Money in the safe...

[TiddleToddletee]

Myself & DP have been together 11 years. 2 young kids. He works full time, I work part time. I earn £1200 a month, he earns £4K. He also is a Partner in a business which he gets a (small) income from.

The house is his. I pay him £500 a month towards bills.

Lovely partner, no issues in the relationship.

I found out a few months ago he has around £2500 in his safe. It didn't bother me, nor really cross my mind. It doesn't get used.

But then it has started bothering me how I'm always left with nothing pretty soon after pay day & he earns so much more than me. Yesterday I went in the safe & took £100 out. £50 has gone on the kids swimming lessons, the other £50 I haven't done anything with. I feel guilty & will likely put it back. However I just can't help but feel annoyed this money is just sat there, when I'm very often left with nothing pretty soon after pay day (I buy kids clothes, shoes, I pay phone bills, fuel, etc)

Now he does do a lot, & he pays for a lot. I already feel like I should be paying him more than I do. I was in a lot of debt when I met him & he took out a loan for me in his name as my credit rating was so poor. If I needed money he would likely help.

I know I'll probably be slated for writing this, I just feel torn that I feel guilty but also not guilty for taking the money. I believe in karma so I'll have to own up & tell him I took it or replace it.

But there's part of me that thinks it's ok I took it, he won't know it's even missing, he never counts the money. It would only go on the kids, not me personally.

Am I turning in to a right knob head?!

You're a bit of a knob for going into his safe and taking £100 without him knowing! That's stealing in basic principles.

If you don't like the financial situation, change it. Have a conversation - speak up, change the way things are done - don't resort to being petty and stealing money from a safe.

You have presumably downsized your career for childcare, without being married.

That is crazy.

Prioritise your earning power.

Wait, you pay him £500 for bills, but also have to pay for the kids activities? What else are you paying while he sits back comfortably?

I don't understand how a member of a living together with kids couple goes without money and the other has a lot of surplus.
I think you have to make a better financial agreement.
Couple means sharing, no one member struggling and the other not.
You are paying him rent, taking care of his kids and whowever knows what else. That does not look like a full in couple to my understanding.
Don't get money from the safe ask him to contribute more towards those things you are paying.

You need to get married.

Don't steal his money. Have a grown up conversation about finances.

Put the money back, and talk to him. Show him how much money is needed for the children's activities and say you are struggling to juggle the money.
If he is as reasonable as you say then I'm sure you can sort something to make it work.
However by taking the money, it feels underhand. You need a conversation to sort this out.

I don't want to get married, it's not for me, before it's suggested again.

We have life insurances in place & if anything happens, we are both sorted.

I think I may have to look at increasing my hours, if possible. It just works very well around the kids atm. He does drop offs & I do pick ups.

I suppose I feel as he bailed me out when I was up shits creek, that I can't really ask for any more financial help from him. That's me, btw, not him.

Putting the money back in the safe now! Thanks for giving my head a wobble.

You're not a bad person OP and I promise I only typed about being a knob as your post asked if you were a knob head 😂

He bailed you out, but that doesn't mean forever you can't ever change your financial situation. 100% have an open chat with him!

@festivemouse It's ok, I feel like a knob head most of the time so 🤣 thank you though, it's good to talk, I feel I need to take a little more charge of my financial situation & this chat has spurred that on so I'll be talking to him tonight.

No you're not sorted at all short of a civil partnership or marriage. Do not kid yourself here. There is also no mention of a will for either of you.

You are unmarried in the eyes of the law and both of you will be treated as this by the state.

You owe him nothing least of all financially here. Is potentially upping your hours your sole solution re the financial disparity?. He is taking advantage of all your labours here both inside and outside the home.

You've also given over so much of your own power within the relationship to him. If your children have his surname rather than your own that's yet more power all too freely given away by you.

Indeed put the money back in the safe and have a conversation about finances. How open he will be to change will be shown in how that conversation goes.

@AttilaTheMeerkat we each have a will. Sole beneficiary of each others.

Kids have double barrelled last names.

Not interested in civil partnership, marriage, just not for me. But thank you.

You might be sorted in the event of death, but not in the event of separation.

Don't take money from the safe, have a conversation with him about the need to share money more fairly within the family.

Where has OP stated she pays for the kids activities? £50 towards swimming may well be a one off......

I think what a lot of people forget, is although one persons wage may seem considerably higher than the other, after tax, the difference is much smaller.

Assuming your quoted incomes are pre tax. then £1200 a month after Tax and NI is roughly £1100. £4,000 after tax and NI is around £3000.

If he pays for most of the bills/mortgage bar £500, then each of your disposable incomes becomes fairly even.

I presume a fair chuck of the £700 surplus goes to paying off your debt, which you accrued prior to meeting him.

You've already said he pays for a lot, and you feel guilty for not paying him more, so you need to find a way of increasing your earning potential.

The money in the safe is irrelevant, as long as you are not married, its his money and he can ( within reason ) do as he likes with it. For all you know he could be saving up for a nice holiday, a ring/jewellery for you, or it could be a cash payment for something/his business and he just hasn't had time to bank it.

Surely he should be paying at least half of the children's expensesactivities as a minimum? Really any costs to do with them should be split proportional to each income, that would be reasonable. You certainly shouldn't be going short because you're paying everything for the kids.

The house is his and you work part time so you’re no way near “sorted” and extremely naive. You’re not above stealing from his safe so you’re not above getting married. Don’t be daft.

You should really have a talk with him about expenses.

The costs of your shared children should be shared.

You shouldn't have taken money from the safe without agreeing with him, that's not great.

Him earning loads more, you paying rent, you having no money - is shit. That's what you need to address.

Seriously, paying rent to your life partner and leaving yourself without money is absolutely nuts.

As someone who gave up work in an unmarried partnership to look after the kids, please please don't do it. We didn't have a joint bank account and I had to ask for money in the end it was horrible.
I was left with absolutely nothing when we broke up and literally had to start again from scratch, I ended up homeless because legally everything was in his name so I had no claim to anything.

I also said marriage wasn't for me, I was fucking stupid.

Ask yourself if you split acrimoniously, will you have anywhere to take your children?
Will you have money for a rental deposit?

As soon as I and my now husband got together, I insisted on a joint account, we also decided to get married as it is more secure (neither of us have ever contemplated marriage before this)
It cost less than £400 and we were married, we have a a baby and other children with exes and we both feel safer knowing if we break up everything is equal.

Plus none of this is fair.

You should both have an equal amount of money after bills are paid anyway, regardless of whether you're married or not.
Parenting together means just that, he should want you to have money for the kids.

What would he do if you said this is not fair, he needs to contribute to the children?
Would he be mortified you were struggling?
Or dismiss you?

Yeah sorry but if you are struggling financially and feel things are unfair then you sit down and talk to him. You don't steal his money.

Especially when you say he took out a loan to pay off your debt when you first got together - what a way to repay him!!!

It's not about the money in the safe.

You are not in an equal partnership.

Let's not mince words about it, shall we?
You are a thief.

@TiddleToddletee He can make you homeless at any given time and you wouldn't have a leg to stand on. What's his views re marriage?

What about having "our" money rather than "his money " and "my" money?
You have kids together , you sit below the same light bulbs, and eat together. I can't any reason why not.

On a different tack I would be concerned whether your house contents insurance will cover you for that much cash in the house in the event of a break in.

I hear you when you say marriage or a CU is not for you but the reality is you are in a poor situation should things go wrong.

If your dp was to die you won't benefit from no inheritance tax. You won't automatically inherit. You won't automatically be considered the person to make decisions like turning off fr support.

If the relationship broke down you would be in a vulnerable situation

Regardless of whether you like the idea or not? In the UK it's really not great not to be married or in a CU

However I just can't help but feel annoyed this money is just sat there, when I'm very often left with nothing pretty soon after pay day

Only someone who doesn’t pay the majority of the bills thinks that an emergency pot of cash not even totally half your monthly incomes is too much or a waste.

To me your attitude would also be a budgeting problem for me, taking out of savings to spend half on swimming lessons and half just frittered would be a hard no for me.