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Original poster

Why do MIL’s have issues with their DIL’s, surely it’s counter productive??

32 replies

Alotofgrey · 04/02/2025 09:54

Why do a lot of Mother in laws behave like this? I hate to generalise but I will for this instance so as to gain some understanding. (I know there are fantastic ones).

So your son meets a lady and instantly the mum dislikes the lady. (Nothing wrong with the lady). I assume the mum fears loosing their son. What I don’t understand is by treating the lady poorly this is counter intuitive isn’t it? Because the lady is often the one to arrange the family. I know in my instance my MIL has never approved before it was even possible to know me. So inevitably her fears come true because why would I want to be around and promote time with someone for my family when they dislike me. It doesn’t make sense. If fear of loss was such a worry you’d welcome them so that they want to spend time with you wouldn’t you?

OP posts:
heldinadream · 04/02/2025 09:56

You seem to think people are rational? Look around you - is that really your experience of people?

Original poster
Alotofgrey · 04/02/2025 10:01

heldinadream · 04/02/2025 09:56

You seem to think people are rational? Look around you - is that really your experience of people?

Perhaps I have a brain more logical then because it doesn’t make much sense to me. But yeah I get what you mean.

OP posts:
Frangela · 04/02/2025 10:03

Maybe interrogate your thinking as to why, as you put it, ‘the lady is often the one to arrange the family’, and map this on to all of the potential relationships between DIL, MIL, SIL AND FIL.

ViciousCurrentBun · 04/02/2025 10:04

I am very logical as well.

There is no greater gift than being cared for and caring for someone, romantic or platonic.

My theory is so many women never know real romantic love from a man that their sons become the replacement not romantic but platonic obviously and as it’s the only man they feel loved by they can’t let go.

Original poster
Alotofgrey · 04/02/2025 10:06

Frangela · 04/02/2025 10:03

Maybe interrogate your thinking as to why, as you put it, ‘the lady is often the one to arrange the family’, and map this on to all of the potential relationships between DIL, MIL, SIL AND FIL.

It’s just true in the case of most of the women I have in my life. Most of the children are cared for in majority by the mum and home
life arranged by the mum. It’s a sweeping generalisation I know and I’m only speaking from personal experience.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 04/02/2025 10:07

Alotofgrey · 04/02/2025 10:01

Perhaps I have a brain more logical then because it doesn’t make much sense to me. But yeah I get what you mean.

Show quote history

You won't ever understand people if you expect them to act rationally. You need to empathise with their emotional processes. This gives insight. If that's what you want, it's not clear why you've posted really. For understanding? Or to moan about MILs? Or because you are having an issue with yours?
If it's the third you'll get more help by telling us the issue, rather than couching it in generalities.

senua · 04/02/2025 10:08

So your son meets a lady and instantly the mum dislikes the lady. (Nothing wrong with the lady).
That's a big assumption to make!

Original poster
Alotofgrey · 04/02/2025 10:08

heldinadream · 04/02/2025 10:07

You won't ever understand people if you expect them to act rationally. You need to empathise with their emotional processes. This gives insight. If that's what you want, it's not clear why you've posted really. For understanding? Or to moan about MILs? Or because you are having an issue with yours?
If it's the third you'll get more help by telling us the issue, rather than couching it in generalities.

Show quote history

I was just wondering really . There are loads of threads about similar issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alotofgrey · 04/02/2025 10:09

ViciousCurrentBun · 04/02/2025 10:04

I am very logical as well.

There is no greater gift than being cared for and caring for someone, romantic or platonic.

My theory is so many women never know real romantic love from a man that their sons become the replacement not romantic but platonic obviously and as it’s the only man they feel loved by they can’t let go.

That’s interesting

OP posts:
senua · 04/02/2025 10:10

There are loads of threads about similar issues.
We only ever hear one side of the story.

FrustratedandBemused · 04/02/2025 10:14

My MIL didn’t instantly dislike me, as far as I’m aware anyway, and we still have a lovely relationship now, 16 years on. All my friends get on well with their MILs. There are somethings niggles/annoyances, but I think that’s bound to happen when anyone spends a significant amount of time with a family that’s not their own.

Whoarethoseguys · 04/02/2025 10:19

I didn't instantly dislike my daughter in law. She is a lovely sweet person. And I don't think my mother in law automatically disliked me.
I don't think most mothers do automatically dislike their daughter in laws. Perhaps you have just had very difficult experiences

Whoarethoseguys · 04/02/2025 10:20

ViciousCurrentBun · 04/02/2025 10:04

I am very logical as well.

There is no greater gift than being cared for and caring for someone, romantic or platonic.

My theory is so many women never know real romantic love from a man that their sons become the replacement not romantic but platonic obviously and as it’s the only man they feel loved by they can’t let go.

This is just nonsense.

Original poster
Alotofgrey · 04/02/2025 10:30

Not had the best MiL experience. I’ve had 2. The first was nice enough but very emotionally needy. Called him my baby boy (40) and rang to speak continuously about her emotional state with partners, it was too much in my opinion. He always felt he had to fix her. He wanted to buy her things and make up for her terrible relationships. Second one she isn’t interested in any of us. Doesn’t visit or call or see grandkids. She always felt annoyed with me tbh form the day we met.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 04/02/2025 10:32

Works both ways!

Original poster
Alotofgrey · 04/02/2025 10:34

CurlewKate · 04/02/2025 10:32

Works both ways!

Yes it does but I find that it’s more difficult being the person going into an already established family. My parents were the ones making the effort as the established family and welcoming my partner and the relationship is great.

OP posts:
sunshineandshowers40 · 04/02/2025 10:40

I agree with you OP although I also agree with a PP who said people aren't rational.

I don't think my MIL expected me to be long term. I have tried over the years but we are very different people. She wants a relationship with her son not his family so I have left them to it (they now see each other once a year as previously meet ups were organised by me).

Original poster
Alotofgrey · 04/02/2025 10:45

sunshineandshowers40 · 04/02/2025 10:40

I agree with you OP although I also agree with a PP who said people aren't rational.

I don't think my MIL expected me to be long term. I have tried over the years but we are very different people. She wants a relationship with her son not his family so I have left them to it (they now see each other once a year as previously meet ups were organised by me).

That is what has happened to us. They want a relationship with their son but not me. Whereas before after a day out I’d say on the way back let’s pop in and have a cuppa (they never come to us) I don’t do this anymore and now we never ever see them.

OP posts:
Ratisshortforratthew · 04/02/2025 10:46

Is this to do with your expectations? I might be female, but it would never occur to me to "arrange the family". I don't even have my MIL's phone number (not really MIL as I'm not married but in a serious relationship). My partner talks to his mother and visits her every few months. She doesn't and wouldn't contact me directly. Your "not bothered" is my perfectly reasonable hands-off approach – I'm dating her son, not her or the rest of the family.

Frangela · 04/02/2025 10:52

Ratisshortforratthew · 04/02/2025 10:46

Is this to do with your expectations? I might be female, but it would never occur to me to "arrange the family". I don't even have my MIL's phone number (not really MIL as I'm not married but in a serious relationship). My partner talks to his mother and visits her every few months. She doesn't and wouldn't contact me directly. Your "not bothered" is my perfectly reasonable hands-off approach – I'm dating her son, not her or the rest of the family.

This, exactly. I’ve been married forever, and am quite fond of my MIL and FIL, but I’ve never ‘arranged the family’ at all. If DH wants to see his parents, or for DS to see them, he arranges it. If they want to communicate with him, they phone him. I do the same with my family. ‘Arranging the family’ isn’t my job because I have a vagina!

outofideas2 · 04/02/2025 10:53

I do agree with lots of what you're saying. I have three sons so will potentially be a MIL at some point. One of my sons commented recently that all his girlfriends have liked me and I explained to him that I do my best to make them feel very welcome to our home because I can't predict which ones will be long term and therefore my DIL. I'm not taking any chances!

BeKind3grandkids · 18/12/2025 15:38

Both mother in law's & daughter in law's should make a big effort to get along no matter what. Especially for their married son's & grandchildren! Sometime one or the other may have anxiety or Bipolar problems and they treat everyone this way not just the MIL or DIL! Life is too short! What gets me more than anything is when they both claim to be christians and they treat each other badly and the kids are like sponges they are watching! Think before you react!

sunshineandshowers40 · 21/12/2025 09:52

Both should make an effort. I used to but stopped for various reasons and left it up to DH to sort out, and we see her much much less now.

i honestly think my MIL thought I wouldn’t be long term so didn’t make an effort (together 20+ years now).

I have boys and my plan is to be lovely to all of their partners because as a PP said, you don’t know who will long term!

nc43214321 · 21/12/2025 10:19

Yes I had really been analysing this for the past week especially on the run up to Christmas as I have struggled with my mil and even PIL and I have come to the conclusion that we just have different expectations of what a family looks like and does. We have been brought up differently. I don’t know how to fundamentally make it work as she and her husband will not compromise or take an understanding from my point of view or even have self awareness about the impact of their actions. My parents treat me and my partner very differently. I am not being horrible just trying to understand to move forwards and have a peaceful Christmas. Life is too short for all this nonsense.

Howwilliknow122 · 21/12/2025 13:28

senua · 04/02/2025 10:08

So your son meets a lady and instantly the mum dislikes the lady. (Nothing wrong with the lady).
That's a big assumption to make!

No it isnt, its the exact experience of many women. It happened to me, and my girlfriends and cousins report similar experiences, I only know three women who love their mil and two of them have the same mil..

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