Husband threatening divorce every time we argue

[RainbowStriped]

Not so much him threatening it -

For example we might squabble about something mundane. He will then say ‘Oh here she goes again! Are you going to threaten to divorce me again? Racking up a tally now are we? Going to kick me out are you? Here she goes again etc’

He has also said stuff like this in front of our children even though I beg him to wait until they are out of the house to discuss matters. They’ve heard everything unfortunately 😔

Years ago I had to tell him to leave (he stayed with his mum for a couple of weeks) after he treated us all terribly.

A few years after that I tried to end our marriage again, not in the middle of a fight but when everything was calm, told him how unhappy I was. Again he stayed with his Mum for a few weeks and then we decided to try and work on things.

Now whenever I might ask him to do something I’m either controlling everything he does or he brings up divorce every single time!

Seeking advice please. He did it this morning when I asked him to turn off his loud video as I was running around getting everything ready for school and the noise was making me feel stressed.

He wants you to be the one to end it so he can go around to all and sundry seeking tea and sympathy wailing, "she left me".

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of. It's about power and control and he here wants absolute over you and the DC.

Do not ever undergo any form of couples counselling with him. Abuse is not a relationship issue and this is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

I disagree with some of the pps - I don’t think he wants you to leave. He is using these tactics to quickly win control of a disagreement , knowing you won’t want it blowing up in front of the kids.

It could be turned around if he is willing to acknowledge what he is doing and try to change. Counselling?

You can always head him off
'Please turn that video down and no I'm not planning on divorcing you'
'Can you take the trash out now? No I'm not planning on divorcing you I just need the stinky trash out of here'.

He needs to learn to take you snapping at him once in a while without blowing up. I am sure he snaps at you occasionally too when he's feeling ill, or someone else has annoyed him.

This is who he is. He feels entitled to act like this too.

Abuse is not a relationship issue and joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Umm Why was he watching a video while you were “getting everything ready for our children to go to school”? What role does he play??

I would end this nasty situation TBH. While living with him, he’s painting you as the bad guy / “mean mummy” anyway and your stress will just be affecting the children. You’ll feel so happy and free without him weighing you down. He can do whatever he likes on his own time then.

You are right - he is taking it from 0 to 100 as a way of shutting you up. He doesn’t care enough to consider your feelings, only his own.

I lived like this for many years with someone who couldn’t take any form of criticism and would always turn everything into an attack back on me. This is called DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim something? Sorry I’ve forgot the rest.

I wonder if this attitude is the reason that you have tried to leave in the past? It’s very hard to live with Someone Who is Never Wrong.

What was heartbreaking for me was finally realising my ex’s treatment of me was deeply manipulative. He wanted to have control of me at all times.

Keep reading up on this type of behaviour. Once your eyes are opened you can never unsee it again.

The nice times are usually because you aren’t causing waves, and when you playing by ‘their’ rules.

Does your husband think you are his equal or does he think he is better than you and thus deserves more?

He can paint whatever he likes. The family is already broken.
Are you happy that your kids are made to live with this misery? Parents who openly despise each other, fight and threaten will be damaging them.

You could choose to start their healing process by giving them a safe, joyous life instead of this.

If my DH was sat on his arse watching a video while I was running around in the morning, getting everything ready, it would be less about the noise being annoying, rather that he is a lazy bastard who needs to participate in family life.

He was washing up to be fair 🧼

Still, if you’re watching a video while washing up your focus is not on what needs to be done and probably takes you double the time! He gets to relax doing one task, watching a video while you have to remember everything? You definitely weren’t unreasonable to ask him to turn it off as it wasn’t helpful at that time. He’s acting like a spoiled brat too.

Yes, he tends to do that in the morning when getting the kids ready, will do a job completely unrelated to what really needs to be done in the moment.

He just came up to me and said with a smile - are you going to apologise for the way you’ve treated me? Are you going to say sorry?

It seems you pick on him a lot and he feels unsafe in the marriage. Which is understandable given your history of kicking him out. If you want to make a proper go of it, you have to work on things.

@RainbowStriped what did he do that made you kick him out on a previous occasion?

Asking someone to turn the volume down because it's making a stressful time of day even more difficult isn't unreasonable. It's normal. And a normal response to it would be 'sorry, I wasn't thinking.'

It begs the question why he felt the need to have it on so loud in the first place, and whether the goal was to wind you up so that you would complain and he could play victim.

'He just came up to me and said with a smile - are you going to apologise for the way you’ve treated me? Are you going to say sorry?'

Seriously, it's over with him, let him paint you as the bad guy. It won't take long for others to see his true nature.

Imagine yourself two years down the line, life could be so much more.

I can’t go into too much detail here but to give some idea - at the time I posted for advice and a couple of comments said it was one of the worst things they had ever read on Mumsnet.

It was related to how he was speaking to and about our youngest who had recently been diagnosed with a life long intellectual (severe) disability. I also didn’t feel safe around him and felt like he would snap and hurt either himself, one of us or do something very stupid. He said he had a mental breakdown but the things he said about our child were so awful and unforgivable. He also threatened to put our child into care. I didn’t take lightly “kicking him out” I really did not feel safe around him and his behaviour was erratic.

@RainbowStriped sweetheart, he showed you who he is back then, didn't he. Given what you've said about having a child with a disability, his desire to push you into initiating a split is even more obvious. That way, he doesn't have to be the one who broke up the home of a disabled child.

I honestly think you should read up on coercive control and contact women's aid for advice, because there are things in what little you've said that scream coercive control to me, including his request for an apology from you this morning.

Presumably the advice you received last time was to end the relationship ASAP? Guess what? That still applies.

"A few years ago" he needs to let it go or go

you don’t really have a ‘relationship’ do you? when the bottom line is Respect

how exhausted you must be with it all -

The more I read the more alarmed I am that your children have to live with this man.

Whatever reasons you have for staying with him, they are misjudged.

He doesn't make you happy. He makes you walk on eggshells, live in fear of a disagreement. He doesn't treat you with respect.

He says this awful stuff in front of your children. They will also fear him and walk on eggshells.

The longer your children live in this situation, the greater they chance they will grow up to be just like him, or couple up with someone just like him. Because they will see your relationship as 'normal'. They will think 'Mum put up with being treated like this, so I should'. They will follow your lead when it comes to how they allow people to treat them. They will stick around long after they should have left.

Please leave him, and stay gone this time. He adds nothing positive to your life. And so what if he convinces a few people that you're the 'bad guy'???? Do you care more for what people think about you, or your children's (and your own) wellbeing and happiness?

Besided, anyone who truly cares about you will believe you. Anyone who doesn't believe you - well their opinion is irrelevant.

A few years ago and then again a few years after that, i.e. recently. In any case it hardly matters - this is an unstable and toxic relationship and it needs to end.

I'd tell him you both need couple counselling to see if things can be fixed and if he refuses then divorce and if the couple counselling doesn't work, then divorce. He sounds like an idiot who wants his mummy to do his washing up.

what comes across is a deep sense that he doesn’t like you and is playing mind games here to get to you, rather than defaulting to being sincere / honest. When someone is so cynical within a relationship it can play havoc with everyone else’s emotions and lives. You sound like you are starting to see through it all.

Look up DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

Its a tactic of abusers and emotionally immature people who can’t bear the shame they feel when they experience criticism or fear losing control.

Ignore people who suggest couple’s counseling. A person who DARVO’s, whether consciously or unconsciously, is a fundamentally dishonest and manipulative person who will not accept responsibility for their own actions. No amount of counseling will get through to them. Life, to them, is a zero sum game. If you “get your way” as they see it they “lose.”

In a normal, loving, relationship problems shared are problems solved. In his mind you are the problem and hd solves it by getting you to shut up.

What @pikkumyy77 said.

You said that you took a few weeks to cool off twice now. Because his behaviour had been really bad.

Now let’s be honest, did he ever change his ways? Or he promised but actually reverted pretty quickly?
Because the way he says that feels to me that he is shouting he is resentful you ‘forced’ him to do something (behaved appropriately) he didn’t want. And he is making you pay for it as well as manipulating situations to make you the bad guy.

Seeing I doubt he really changed after your two cooking sessions, I’d consider leave for good. Nothing in what you describe shows him as a good man.