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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband threatening divorce every time we argue

72 replies

RainbowStriped · 04/02/2025 09:49

Not so much him threatening it -

For example we might squabble about something mundane. He will then say ‘Oh here she goes again! Are you going to threaten to divorce me again? Racking up a tally now are we? Going to kick me out are you? Here she goes again etc’

He has also said stuff like this in front of our children even though I beg him to wait until they are out of the house to discuss matters. They’ve heard everything unfortunately 😔

Years ago I had to tell him to leave (he stayed with his mum for a couple of weeks) after he treated us all terribly.

A few years after that I tried to end our marriage again, not in the middle of a fight but when everything was calm, told him how unhappy I was. Again he stayed with his Mum for a few weeks and then we decided to try and work on things.

Now whenever I might ask him to do something I’m either controlling everything he does or he brings up divorce every single time!

Seeking advice please. He did it this morning when I asked him to turn off his loud video as I was running around getting everything ready for school and the noise was making me feel stressed.

OP posts:
Indicateyourintentions · 04/02/2025 09:52

What is it about him that makes you want to carry on living with him?
Can you see yourself enjoying your retirement living with him full time when neither of you are working?

FindusMakesPancakes · 04/02/2025 09:53

Sounds like he wants you to tell him to leave again, so you get to be the bad guy.
Break the cycle, actually divorce him.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 04/02/2025 09:54

My dh used to threaten to leave. He did once for a week. And when dd cooked tea he assumed it was to celebrate his homecoming... What a cunt.. When I threw him out a year later the relief was immense.. Try it op. Then change the locks.. He has had too many chances imo.

Original poster
RainbowStriped · 04/02/2025 09:54

Indicateyourintentions · 04/02/2025 09:52

What is it about him that makes you want to carry on living with him?
Can you see yourself enjoying your retirement living with him full time when neither of you are working?

The idea fills me with dread 😬

OP posts:
Indicateyourintentions · 04/02/2025 09:56

i think you’ve answered your question. Time to start quietly making plans.

username299 · 04/02/2025 09:57

Having the same arguments shows there's a communication break down. He doesn't seem to respect you very much. He's treating you like a teenager treats their mum, as a buzz kill.
He doesn't want to take part in family life and is obviously deeply resentful.

What you're doing isn't working.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 04/02/2025 09:58

So actually you have threatened divorce several times but always taken him back, and now he throws it back in your face? Your children must feel so confused and insecure. Just end it for everybody's sake.

Original poster
RainbowStriped · 04/02/2025 10:01

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 04/02/2025 09:58

So actually you have threatened divorce several times but always taken him back, and now he throws it back in your face? Your children must feel so confused and insecure. Just end it for everybody's sake.

I agree. It’s a terrible situation. He’s throwing it back in my face every time we argue. Even if our argument might be about something domestic like doing the dishes etc. Suddenly he takes the argument from 10 to 100. He also plays the victim and won’t address the reasons why I had to end it all those years ago.

OP posts:
MemorableTrenchcoat · 04/02/2025 10:02

RainbowStriped · 04/02/2025 09:54

The idea fills me with dread 😬

Show quote history

So leave.

Mischance · 04/02/2025 10:04

You have taken the right decision to leave him several times, but then let him back - what is that about? Just get on with it.

He does not care about you; he does not want a partnership; he speaks about in derogatory way - why, just why, do you want to be with him? It beggars belief.

chaiformeplease · 04/02/2025 10:06

It's an empty threat and control tactic...he says it so you'll back track and say "no, don't be like that" or retract whatever it is you've complained about. My abusive XH used to do it, and I wish now I had said "well go on then..." at some point, and let him stamp off.

Next time he says it (not in front of the kids) say "actually yes I think you're right, that's probably the best idea isn't it" and take the wind out of his sails. And in the meanwhile get your ducks lined up by talking to a good solicitor. I did this a few years ago and our life is so much easier and happier, you'll only regret not having done it earlier I promise!

user1492757084 · 04/02/2025 10:06

Answer him honestly and calmly.
No, just asking if you would please turn the music down. - Then go on with your morning chores.

Every time he asks if you are going to ask him to leave just say, No and repeat the reasonable request again.

Try this on repeat.
Treat him like you would like to be treated.

He obviously has terrible memories and is also trying to use it to win a situation.

When you are next on a quiet weekend, just with your DH, state near the end that you think couples therapy to help you both communicate more effectively could make life together much happier for you both.
Give it a go.

Original poster
RainbowStriped · 04/02/2025 10:08

Mischance · 04/02/2025 10:04

You have taken the right decision to leave him several times, but then let him back - what is that about? Just get on with it.

He does not care about you; he does not want a partnership; he speaks about in derogatory way - why, just why, do you want to be with him? It beggars belief.

I didn’t want to break my family up and also the practical aspect of separation is a minefield.

If we didn’t have children it would be so much easier.

DH can be lovely and fun to be around but when challenged about anything can be an absolute nightmare to live with.

OP posts:
MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 04/02/2025 10:11

RainbowStriped · 04/02/2025 10:01

I agree. It’s a terrible situation. He’s throwing it back in my face every time we argue. Even if our argument might be about something domestic like doing the dishes etc. Suddenly he takes the argument from 10 to 100. He also plays the victim and won’t address the reasons why I had to end it all those years ago.

Show quote history

Okay, you know you need to leave. So what's stopping you and how can we help? Do you have a clear idea of the steps you'll take?

MollyButton · 04/02/2025 10:11

It is much better for the children not to be living in this minefield. They must feel very unsettled as the minute you complain about anything he takes it in your words "from 10 to 100".
That is no way to live.
You might all be much happier living separately.

Mylovelygreendress · 04/02/2025 10:12

I stayed in my first marriage longer than I should have because I didn’t want my DC to have divorced parents ( in the 80s so a bit more stigma).
My now adult DC think I should have left years before I did as they lived in a horrible atmosphere.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/02/2025 10:22

Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one. And he has damaged this family unit over the years by his volatility.

Do not use the kids here as a reason or excuse to stay with him; they are not going to say thanks mum to you for doing so. They are more likely to wonder why you stay with their dad and could also accuse you of putting him before them. One day they will leave home and sooner rather than later only to return rarely if ever particularly if you're still together then.

FictionalCharacter · 04/02/2025 10:26

Mylovelygreendress · 04/02/2025 10:12

I stayed in my first marriage longer than I should have because I didn’t want my DC to have divorced parents ( in the 80s so a bit more stigma).
My now adult DC think I should have left years before I did as they lived in a horrible atmosphere.

My parents divorced years too late too, and I and my siblings felt the same- we were subjected to a horrible tense home life, full of their resentment, hostility and aggression. Your kids will be feeling the same OP, whether or not they show it.
You say you don’t want to break up the home, but it’s already broken. You’re just living in the same house, unhappily.
I agree with a PP that he’s had enough of the marriage, but is manoeuvring you into ending it so that you look like the bad guy and do all the work.

Original poster
RainbowStriped · 04/02/2025 10:28

Thanks for all your advice.

The incident this morning - initially our oldest was very rude to me which put me in a bad mood which meant I was short with DH ‘Can you please turn that video off?! It’s really stressing me out’ He told me to piss off then turned it off. Fight then happened as I he said I controlled everything he does/he can’t even listen to a video in his own house etc. I said it was just that tiny window when I was getting everything ready for our children to go to school and the noise was stressful to me (I’m on the spectrum)

He said he had enough of my crazy neurotic tendencies etc and that’s when it all escalated.

OP posts:
JudgeBread · 04/02/2025 10:29

"oh here she goes again, going to divorce me are you?"

"Fucking great idea babe, off you pop to mummy's ".

This is no life for you or your kids, be the bad guy he desperately wants you to be and get rid.

PermanentTemporary · 04/02/2025 10:29

What @user1492757084 said. I'd read that carefully.

My dp is divorced. He has had the best divorce it is possible to have, and he says it is because they went to couples therapy for a year. It took a few more months from that to actually decide to split, but they are both at peace with it. (We're going on holiday with his ex-wife and the kids soon, really looking forward to it). They know they did everything they could.

You are co-parents for life. Your kids deserve that you make every effort to find a better way to communicate, whether you live together or not.

Incidentally it was when I looked forward to think about retirement with my xh that I realised it was time to split - it was an unbearable prospect. So I'm certainly not saying you need to stay forever!

Original poster
RainbowStriped · 04/02/2025 10:30

JudgeBread · 04/02/2025 10:29

"oh here she goes again, going to divorce me are you?"

"Fucking great idea babe, off you pop to mummy's ".

This is no life for you or your kids, be the bad guy he desperately wants you to be and get rid.

Unfortunately I just know he will paint me as the bad guy, the evil nasty woman who broke up the family. He takes zero responsibility for any of his behaviours. But yes! Next time I will call his bluff!

OP posts:
CheekySnake · 04/02/2025 10:31

Honestly, OP?

He wants you to end it so he doesn't have to and can tell everyone it was your fault. It is, very simply, about controlling the narrative of the split.

He doesn't like you and doesn't care that much about your children.

Please don't let your fear of having your reputation damaged/him blaming you/him refusing to take any blame keep you in this relationship if you don't want to be.

(child of divorced parents who stayed married for years longer than they should have here, too. And FWIW, all abusers are super nice sometimes. It's part of their MO).

peachystormy · 04/02/2025 10:32

OP well get out then! Clearly he isn't going to get any better he is gas lighting you- and your poor children witnessing it.

JudgeBread · 04/02/2025 10:32

RainbowStriped · 04/02/2025 10:30

Unfortunately I just know he will paint me as the bad guy, the evil nasty woman who broke up the family. He takes zero responsibility for any of his behaviours. But yes! Next time I will call his bluff!

Show quote history

So? Let him. Anyone who knows and loves you will know you're not a supervillain, and anyone who believes him fully can jog on along with him. Don't let fear of his victim complex hold you back from freedom.

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