Horror Story...... thoughts on a happy ending!?

[bess1]

DP and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7yrs and have DS 4 yrs. Prior to getting pregnant, DP adored me, fantastic to me through the pregnancy, although he completely went off sex, found the whole pregnancy, weight gain thing a big no no. I put an enormous amount of weight on when pregnant, complete eating frenzy, went from size 14 to size 24, v. scary! DP still very kind and gentle, rubbing feet, massaging back etc etc. DS born, DP great Dad, however, I found myself with beautiful baby and being horribly overweight, I found myself almost overfaced by the amount I had to lose and for 4 years have been really miserable about size and made little inroads to shifting the pounds. Over the course of the last 4 yrs our relationship has massively gone downhill, DP is now completely emotionally detached from me, he says if it wasn't for DS he would have left, I have said go, but he doesn't seem to really want to (he says he hopes to scare me into changing!) he has told me during rows in no uncertain terms that he finds me completely unattractive, even going as far as to say I am an embarrassment to him and he a complete turn off. As you can imagine that has sent my self esteem even further downhill. My strong side says he should love regardless of how I look, but I can see I no longer resemble the person phyiscally I once was and he is a man after all (not makin excuses for his cruelty though!). I am now on a successful weight loss programme and have lost 4 stones with 3 more to go, so feel I have got a grip on getting the old me back, what worries me more is that I will never be able to forgive him for his treatment of me, we have probably only had sex 10 times in the last 4 years and prior to pregnancy it was 3/4 times a week, so a massive change. Your thoughts/suggestions/support massively appreciated.

i dont know what to say really,but love shouldnt be about what you look like.although i can understand your dh not really wanting to make love anymore,the comments he made were unacceptable,it sounds like he was telling you what to do,controlling you

has he apologised,does he realise how much his comments hurt you?

Exactly, no he hasn't apologised, for about the first year he tried to be supportive about diet and exercising, however, as nothing seems to have suceeded, he has turned horrible. If we talk when we are calm, he says he would like to have the "old me" back and then everything will hopefully be okay. I know that the way he has made me feel is far more damaging, as I no longer find his personality attractive a the mo.

Exactly, no he hasn't apologised, for about the first year he tried to be supportive about diet and exercising, however, as nothing seems to have suceeded, he has turned horrible. If we talk when we are calm, he says he would like to have the "old me" back and then everything will hopefully be okay. I know that the way he has made me feel is far more damaging, as I no longer find his personality attractive a the mo.

Exactly, no he hasn't apologised, for about the first year he tried to be supportive about diet and exercising, however, as nothing seems to have suceeded, he has turned horrible. If we talk when we are calm, he says he would like to have the "old me" back and then everything will hopefully be okay. I know that the way he has made me feel is far more damaging, as I no longer find his personality attractive a the mo.

Sorry, got a bit carried away with replying there!

To be honest, I can see his point of view. But absolutely not the way he's spoken to you etc. Maybe he was trying to shock you into change, and he thought that was a good way to do it?
Ok, in fantasy land we marry people bcause we have an incredible linking of souls. But in the real world, we are attracted to physical traits, and when they change dramatically, it puts everything under pressure. Trust me, I know. And remember that men are essentially very visually stimulated, so any changes in your appearance probably seemed twice as extreme to him as to you.

You seem to do doing very well losing weight (), but there's certainly alot of bridge building to do done as a result of the emotional strains you've both fallen into.

Message withdrawn

I'd try to forget what he said - not easy- and concentrate on making yourself look and feel great- for YOU and your long-term health- not for him.

When you are the new svelte you, you might find that you no longer want him, or care about his opinions, if you have new confidence.

I don't agree with divas. I think we have a responsibility to take care of our bodies for ourselves, but also as others do have to look at them! (I'm half joking!) and i know that if my DH let himself go, I would not be so attracted to him. Maybe that's shallow, but that's how I feel- being honest.

You have done so well with your weight loss- just focus on that. maybe you will decide to forgive him, maybe you won't- but you know the answer to that yourself. If you don't, what do you need to do to find out?

Oh, and meant to add that with you being so unhappy with your weight over 4 years, that feeling will have rubbed off onto him too; if you werent so unhappy, perhaps he'd have stayed more positive? I'm not at all saying pretend to be happy, just trying to see it from his point of view.

I don't understand how you can say nothing has succeeded, you have lost 4 stone!

I can see his point of view too but like mustrunmore has said the way he has acted about it all isn't very nice so I can understand why you are feeling angry and upset about it.
When he says the 'old you' does he just mean a thinner you, or is he perhaps talking about the effect the weight gain has had on you as a person/personality wise?

I assume that becoming a parent has also changed you both so you have no way of knowing if more weight loss would recreate the old pre-baby you.

Thx all,I think when I get to the place I want to be that I will be in a stronger placde to decide what I can forgive and where to go from there. Re; what Mustrunmore said, that probably is very true, before the weight gain I was the life and soul of the party, since weightgain, I am a changed person I rarely want to go out, I am jealous of his every move, wondering if he will find someone else, never want to dance at parties, gone from sparkly person out and about, to the person who would rather be at home in her dressing gown, so I am sure that hasn't been easy to live with.

He wants the 'old you' back, well you might be able to look like the old you, but you won't be her, and of course not! The old you hadn't been through what you have in your relationship. I can understand to a point what he means, a huge physical change would be hard to deal with in a partner, but the way he has treated you over it is incredibly hurtful. He has to acknowledge that before you can even think about moving on. It's not as simple as 'oh she's thin again, sex and romance back on the cards'.

My feelings exactly, I am suppose I have been able to think hopefully it will all be okay when I'm thin! However, deep down I suspect that might be just the beginning of some really big problems, his expectations will be hey ho, back to normal! Mine will be that he has to make me love him again, and I suspect he will feel that he doesn't have to do this, as the weight gain was all within my control, hence my fault that all this has happened. Very sad about whole situation. Day to day we plod on, but it's soul destroying living with someone who makes you feel worthless.

God I seem to post on every troubled relationship thread relating to my ex h and marriage. But hope it's of value to someone and cathartic for me.

My ex had a major issue with pg women and also liked slim women. The thing is I have never been slim except when I was a teenager/late 20s.

I am a curvy woman and age and childbirth has made me more so!

After DS2 he virtually stopped any physical affection and our relationship went downhill over a number of years. I get very grumpy without regular sex . This withdrawal made me feel worthless like a piece of shit tbh

He could be very hurtful to me with his snide remarks.

SO when we split and self esteem on the floor I made a really concerted effort to reclaim my body and look for the positives in my body. What I found was an hourglass figure, nice skin, rather enormous boobs and well proportioned albeit overweight.

I am still overweight, stopped dieting tried to listen to myself and find some self worth aside from my body and looks, although still pay lots of attention to my appearance have dieted on and off since 16, went on a Paul Mckenna seminar and just fed myself positive messages. It has really worked.

I have been seeing someone since last July, not serious but someone who knew me pre babies when I was still curvy but alot slimmer. I have never ever mentioned any negative thing about my body, he has not mentioned anything everything sexually is fine - in fact I am exploring things I never thought I would. I feel sexy and great and he makes me feel more so. Just goes to show that it is not an issue for all men.

You really need to focus on you and getting positive about your body. I don't think your H has approached this in the right way.

Sorry I don't think I emphasised enough the hurt that can be caused when a partner rejects you on this basis.

And how much resentment this will build. I know I look alot better than when I was with exH but felt his feelings should have run a bit deeper than they did. He is shallow to the extreme.

I don't mind a little bit of chunky on a man. Esp if his personality is still there. Sexy cannot be defined by slimness.

Doesn't mean I like a slob though.

Sorry I don't think I emphasised enough the hurt that can be caused when a partner rejects you on this basis.

And how much resentment this will build. I know I look alot better than when I was with exH but felt his feelings should have run a bit deeper than they did. He is shallow to the extreme.

I don't mind a little bit of chunky on a man. Esp if his personality is still there. Sexy cannot be defined by slimness.

Doesn't mean I like a slob though.

oops got so carried away by chunky men I posted twice!!

Think Ray Winstone for example

Thanks for that, good to know (albeit a shame you had to go through it all) that you have come out the other sie, I used to model when I was slimmer, so got lots of male attention, I have managed to convince myself that no man will ever want anything to do with me! Good to know there are some good ones out there.

Name change for this because I am throughly ashamed of myself, and I want to protect OH's feelings.

OH is about 6 or 7 stone overweight. When I first started going out with him, somebody made a derogatory remark about his size and it did put me off him a bit, for about 2 weeks. I never said anything to him. I knew I was being very superficial, but my previous OH was very nice looking and had a nice body. I felt that others would think I had lost my pulling power, IYSWIM.

Wrestling with these ideas in my head, I knew that societies obsession with slimness was making me feel like that, and not my feelings for my lovely OH himself. I decided that if other people couldn't see what I saw in him, that really was their own problem because he is a beautiful man.

Ooh, yes, I like to think Ray Winston.

The obsession with slimness and fear of fat (particularly fat in women) that is currently endemic is a more complex problem than it appears (ie it is NEVER as siimple as 'You are fat. You are fat because you are stupid, lazy and greedy. Stop eating so much and you will be an acceptable human being.') Never mind that the dividing line, especially for women, between'sexy-curvy' and 'fat-cow' is forever moving in a skinnier and skinnier direction.
So there's all that to deal with first. Then there's whether your DH is a superficial sod who wants a barbie doll rather than a woman, or whether he has moved from being sympathetic to being worried to being angry: not that you are bigger but that you are unhappy about it and your size has become the focus of your life, etc, etc.
SOme sort of counselling might help here, just because it will give both of you the chance to say how you feel about things to someone who is impartial.

Think you should give some thought to why you let yourself go on such a major 'eating frenzy' when pregnant. Most of us gain a significant amount of weight when pregnant - and lose it (or not) at differing rates (I'm still a stone heavier than pre-pregnancy and dd is 7).

But it seems there was probably something else going on (emotional/psychological) if you gained 7 stone in 9 months - and that may have something to do with your dp/your relationship, or perhaps was your own 'issue'.

To give your dh the benefit of doubt, it is possible that the explanation is the one suggested by Madamez: worry turning to anger. Rather than being a shallow bloke obsessed with pretty looks. Putting on a lot of weight does have health implications, and it is also clear that it did change your outlook on life. He may have been genuienly frighened and trying shock you into action, like somebody married to an alcoholic might end up saying horrible things about what drink is doing to them.

Anyway, it seems your own worst problems are over; you have taken control over your health and you're doing really well.

Unfortunately, his reaction leaves the two of you with one added problem: the damage done to your self-esteem by his remarks.

I would insist that he goes with you to counselling. You need to be able to discuss what you want out of this relationship. If it is indeed true that he only wanted to scare you, then he should show that he notices the change in you. He needs to understand that weight loss needs to happen gradually, over a period of time. If you did a crash diet just to please him, you could end up with much more dangerous problems. Might be an idea to go with him to your GP.

But most of all you need to talk about how you handle each other emotionally.

Agree with Madamez, and Cory. He can't be THAT shallow a person if he has stayed with you throughout this which indicates that he does really love you.

When he says he wants the 'old you' back, he may not be referring to your size at all but to your personality, i.e. (as madamez said)
the person you were before your weight become the focus of your life - if it has done this.

I do understand your anger, as some pretty hurtful commments were made and I always find things like that difficult to let go of. Counselling is an excellent suggestion.

Congratulations on your success with your diet, though.

OOps, have repeated Beaniesteve, but it was still a good point so worth saying twice lol