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Original poster

Dating

30 replies

Tishy778 · 03/02/2025 19:40

I can't make my mind up about a guy I met online. We had our 5th date yesterday. We have had 3 dinners out which he paid for. Yesterday he came to my house for lunch. When he arrived he said he was sorry he didn't bring anything. I was expecting flowers or wine or something. He ended up staying for dinner too and I felt a bit pissed off. I hadn't invited him for dinner but he sort of ended up staying. He's well mannered otherwise. Cooking two meals and not bringing even a tiny gift - am I being unreasonable? Should I say something?

OP posts:
Cheesandcrackers · 03/02/2025 19:46

Here's a little thought experiment for you. On one side of a page write down the things he paid for or you would have expected him to gift. On the other side write down the things you provided/paid for. If your not happy with the outcome then send him on his way. I'm sure he'll be fine.

TwistedWonder · 03/02/2025 19:55

He’s paid for your food and drink for 3 dates and you’ve got the hump because he hasn’t carried on providing for you? Surely after 3 free dinners put the least you can do is cook for him in your own home?

Did you even offer to contribute to the dinners he pays for?

Sorry but you sound rather grabby and entitled.

Original poster
Tishy778 · 03/02/2025 19:56

Cheesandcrackers · 03/02/2025 19:46

Here's a little thought experiment for you. On one side of a page write down the things he paid for or you would have expected him to gift. On the other side write down the things you provided/paid for. If your not happy with the outcome then send him on his way. I'm sure he'll be fine.

I was thinking about this, but its more down to the effort involved, not the money. I cleaned the whole house from top to bottom, and put the heating on for a good 24 hours in advance and spent ages picking an outfit /doing my hair. He turned up in scruffy trainers and a crappy old coat. It basically took me a day to prepare. I think maybe I'm just not that into him which is why I'm annoyed plus Im broke so things like putting the heating on are a big deal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tishy778 · 03/02/2025 19:58

TwistedWonder · 03/02/2025 19:55

He’s paid for your food and drink for 3 dates and you’ve got the hump because he hasn’t carried on providing for you? Surely after 3 free dinners put the least you can do is cook for him in your own home?

Did you even offer to contribute to the dinners he pays for?

Sorry but you sound rather grabby and entitled.

Yes I offered to pay for every dinner we had.

OP posts:
DaringLion · 03/02/2025 19:58

Put the heating on 24hr in advance .

graffittimonkey · 03/02/2025 20:18

I imagine he wasn't hanging around for another meal, I imagine he thought he was going to get lunch + sex when you invited him over.

OneHardyMintZebra · 03/02/2025 21:19

This really wouldn’t bother me at all. But I don’t expect gifts just because. He has already taken you out for dinner 3 times.

And he didn’t make you spend ages getting ready, put the heating on or clean the entire house. Maybe he loves his crappy trainers and old coat and thought he didn’t need to get dressed up for a lunch at your home? And you could have always said you had plans if you didn’t want him to stay for tea.

Call it a day, he clearly isn’t for you. We all want different things, which is ok. But I wouldn’t make him feel bad because you expected a gift; other women won’t and may get on with him fine. Just like the next guy you date may do the little extras you want

Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 21:23

Wow 😂 sorry but this is so entitled. He's paid for 3 meals for you. I like getting gifts and yes I'd maybe expect a bottle of wine but there's no way I'd be pissy about it if they didn't. You clearly don't particularly like him the way you are speaking about his outfit etc so I'd just leave it at that.

Fiery30 · 03/02/2025 21:26

You sound a bit entitled. He apologised for not bringing anything, so what's the big deal? He clearly enjoyed your company, so stayed longer than expected. How are any of these bad things? Did you expect him to just starve? Not sure what's so wrong in feeding a guest, who is your date. And the stuff around cleaning house, dressing up- this is standard when any guest comes home. Why are you burdening his visit with your actions? Why put the heater 24 hours in advance- did he want the house to feel tropical? You chose to do these things and now somehow he is responsible for them? Whenever my date comes over, I'm actually pleased to do stuff for him, just like he is for me. Seems like you have different expectations on how you want to be treated.

SnugCoralFinch · 03/02/2025 21:29

I wouldn’t expect flowers after only a few dates, and tbh he’s paid for everything up until now, it’s also not his fault that you find having visitors stressful.

I hate siding with men 🤣 but I think you’re being very unreasonable.

SpringBunnyHopHop · 03/02/2025 21:30

You sound grabby.

TwistedWonder · 03/02/2025 21:35

Hmm putting the hearing on for 24 hours and spending a day uk get ready for having lunch indoors - sounds way OTT

Id always think a date indoors was a pretty casual affair (and probably more about sex than food)

EarthSight · 03/02/2025 21:43

Tishy778 · 03/02/2025 19:56

I was thinking about this, but its more down to the effort involved, not the money. I cleaned the whole house from top to bottom, and put the heating on for a good 24 hours in advance and spent ages picking an outfit /doing my hair. He turned up in scruffy trainers and a crappy old coat. It basically took me a day to prepare. I think maybe I'm just not that into him which is why I'm annoyed plus Im broke so things like putting the heating on are a big deal.

Show quote history

I cleaned the whole house from top to bottom, and put the heating on for a good 24 hours in advance and spent ages picking an outfit /doing my hair

The things you value and want to be appreciate for, aren't necessarily the things he values, and that's not a good recipe to begin with. It's only early days and you're already resentful.

However, to be honest you sound intense, to put it kindly.

Trying to claim some credit for putting the heating on for 24rs is really over the top. It's sort of a basic expectation that you'd heat your own home to a reasonable level anyway....isn't it? Why did it need to be on for 24 hrs??? If someone was so broke that they couldn't afford to heat their home to a comfortable level, then I think his shoes are the least of your worries.

He may not have expected you to clean the house from top to bottom, and one would wonder, why was in not in a presentable state in the first place? Is it usually filthy? Or did you go OCD level and were scrubbing behind pipes or the sink with an old toothbrush?

It's understandable why you'd feel a bit resentful if you looked like you'd dressed up a bit and he turned up differently.....but come on. Ages?? A DAY to prepare? People would take less than that if they were meeting the Royals ffs!

DaringLion · 03/02/2025 21:47

Sorry but I can’t get over the heating thing did you want it that hot he had to strip off

EarthSight · 03/02/2025 21:51

Fiery30 · 03/02/2025 21:26

You sound a bit entitled. He apologised for not bringing anything, so what's the big deal? He clearly enjoyed your company, so stayed longer than expected. How are any of these bad things? Did you expect him to just starve? Not sure what's so wrong in feeding a guest, who is your date. And the stuff around cleaning house, dressing up- this is standard when any guest comes home. Why are you burdening his visit with your actions? Why put the heater 24 hours in advance- did he want the house to feel tropical? You chose to do these things and now somehow he is responsible for them? Whenever my date comes over, I'm actually pleased to do stuff for him, just like he is for me. Seems like you have different expectations on how you want to be treated.

It reminds me a little of men who get terribly resentful when they don't get the women they want because 'nice guys'.

It's true that genuinely decent people get fed up of being taken for granted or even abuse, and that's totally understandable, but in most cases, they're not actually nice or generous by nature. What they are is resentful that their effort or 'bid' has not resulted in getting them the goods they thought they were getting. Being nice to them doesn't come naturally so they want to be celebrated for every little reasonable thing they do, things that would be considered basic or normal by other people, otherwise they become angry and bitter.

Missj25 · 03/02/2025 21:55

He has paid for 3 meals out already so he’s not stingy ..
I was seeing a guy before that I liked , He invited me to his house First & I never brought anything, I just didn’t think !!!
I am normally thoughtful & I’m not at all mean ..
So I wouldn’t be reading too much into him not bringing anything..
I think it’s a bit weird that you minded him staying for dinner tbh if you like him !!!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/02/2025 22:20

graffittimonkey · 03/02/2025 20:18

I imagine he wasn't hanging around for another meal, I imagine he thought he was going to get lunch + sex when you invited him over.

Yup after he'd taken you on free dates out I bet he was really hoping!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/02/2025 22:21

TwistedWonder · 03/02/2025 21:35

Hmm putting the hearing on for 24 hours and spending a day uk get ready for having lunch indoors - sounds way OTT

Id always think a date indoors was a pretty casual affair (and probably more about sex than food)

Me too

healthybychristmas · 03/02/2025 22:46

I can see it's annoying if you weren't expecting to cook him dinner but you probably could've made an excuse about having to go out. I don't know why you needed the heating on for 24 hours!

Original poster
Tishy778 · 03/02/2025 23:02

I live in a 16th century listed building with no insulation. The average temp for the last week has been 5 degrees inside. Most people don't want to endure that hence I wanted to make it comfortable. The heating has to be on for that long at maximum to get to 16 degrees. It costs more than a dinner out to get the house warm.

OP posts:
illegalSausage · 03/02/2025 23:07

I wouldnt have invited him at home for lunch thats too much effort. I think he's cheap, i like more generous and thoughtful men.

OneHardyMintZebra · 04/02/2025 18:39

Tishy778 · 03/02/2025 23:02

I live in a 16th century listed building with no insulation. The average temp for the last week has been 5 degrees inside. Most people don't want to endure that hence I wanted to make it comfortable. The heating has to be on for that long at maximum to get to 16 degrees. It costs more than a dinner out to get the house warm.

But that’s not his fault is it. If you don’t want to heat your house then don’t invite people for lunch at your house. How’s he to know that it is going to cost you X amount to heat the home just so he can come over.
I think the reasons that you’re annoyed are really unfair. But ultimately sounds like you’re not right for each other either way. As if you liked him you certainly wouldn’t be complaining that heated your house for him! So I’m not sure what you’re hoping to achieve by saying to him that you expected a gift from him if you’re not bothered about him anyway?
Just let it go and hopefully the next guy you date will be more thoughtful

TwistedWonder · 04/02/2025 18:40

illegalSausage · 03/02/2025 23:07

I wouldnt have invited him at home for lunch thats too much effort. I think he's cheap, i like more generous and thoughtful men.

Hes paid for all of their dates so far - how does that make him the cheap one?

category12 · 04/02/2025 18:48

Tishy778 · 03/02/2025 23:02

I live in a 16th century listed building with no insulation. The average temp for the last week has been 5 degrees inside. Most people don't want to endure that hence I wanted to make it comfortable. The heating has to be on for that long at maximum to get to 16 degrees. It costs more than a dinner out to get the house warm.

Well, you should have taken him out for dinner then instead of resenting switching the heating on?

Or just heated the main room you were going to be in. If you can't afford to heat the place, there's nothing wrong in being open and saying "my place is pretty chilly, bring a jumper".

I think a bunch of flowers or bottle of wine would have been nice and pretty normal tho.

LilacRaven · 04/02/2025 18:52

illegalSausage · 03/02/2025 23:07

I wouldnt have invited him at home for lunch thats too much effort. I think he's cheap, i like more generous and thoughtful men.

I think she's cheap. Id never let someone buy me three dinners in a row. Bet she didn't get him a gift.