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Original poster

Have you ever lent money to family member?

27 replies

FamilyFool · 03/02/2025 16:54

My partner tried to help his uncle out as he was struggling financially, trying to be a good relative and help him pay his mortgage as he has a family and didn't want them homeless.
He ended up helping him with other bills too over a couple of years due to bad business deals.
He didn't tell me he was doing this as it was from our savings bank account.
I was so angry when I found out but was conflicted as I thought he was being a caring nephew and had the family's best interests at heart. I then messaged his uncle to say don't ask for any more money from us. He dislikes me now.
It's still a family secret.
Unfortunately he then lost his house and moved in with his other nephew and we get a lot of digs from his wife hinting that we are not generous or helpful. She doesn't know we have helped hugely as her husband said he doesn't want her involved as "it would upset her".
However after months of we will get it back next week, then next week we will pay it back, we are no closer to getting the money back.
What would you do?
Would you tell the wife?
The nephew?
It's a lot of money which I was hoping would help with my son's university fees. As my son nears university age am getting more annoyed.
I feel so stupid revealing this but I've added it up and it totals £27,000.
This is not made up or remotely funny.
The uncle is getting old and don't want him to have a heart attack but am still annoyed with him.
What would you do to recoup some of the money and stop the "uncaring" jibes from his wife?

OP posts:
kiana2015 · 03/02/2025 17:23

I would absolutely tell the wife and demand the money back instantly

Mrsttcno1 · 03/02/2025 17:44

Well there’s nothing you can do to get the money back if they don’t want to or aren’t prepared/able to give it back, it’s gone now. We have given money to family before when they have needed it but it’s always an amount that we wouldn’t be devastated if we didn’t get back because really if somebody is in a position where they need to lend money from family, it’s unlikely they’re ONLY in debt to family and it’s also unlikely that they’re going to be able to pay it back, so we’ve only ever given what we would be okay to lose.

I would tell her though, if nothing else then to stop the digs, explain you’ve already given all that you can and until you get that back the bank is closed.

Original poster
FamilyFool · 03/02/2025 17:46

kiana2015 · 03/02/2025 17:23

I would absolutely tell the wife and demand the money back instantly

I'm tempted to tell her but think I'd end up being the baddie for busting the family secret ! X

OP posts:
Original poster
FamilyFool · 03/02/2025 17:47

Mrsttcno1 · 03/02/2025 17:44

Well there’s nothing you can do to get the money back if they don’t want to or aren’t prepared/able to give it back, it’s gone now. We have given money to family before when they have needed it but it’s always an amount that we wouldn’t be devastated if we didn’t get back because really if somebody is in a position where they need to lend money from family, it’s unlikely they’re ONLY in debt to family and it’s also unlikely that they’re going to be able to pay it back, so we’ve only ever given what we would be okay to lose.

I would tell her though, if nothing else then to stop the digs, explain you’ve already given all that you can and until you get that back the bank is closed.

Hmm will wait and see if she gives a dig again and if my tongue is loose from a drink?! Argh

OP posts:
Odiebay · 03/02/2025 17:50

Lots of lying by the men on this family. I would absolutely be honest and ask for it back. I'd be surprised if you see a penny tho.

I'd bet good money he wasn't using the money to pay his mortgage/bills which is why you can't mention it to his wife .

I wouldn't have any shared savings with your partner.

thepariscrimefiles · 03/02/2025 17:58

How much of the £27000 given to this uncle were savings that you contributed to the joint savings pot? I would be absolutely furious with your partner for 'lending' his uncle the money without consulting you and I would be demanding them back immediately and I would certainly mention it to his wife. They have £27000 of your and your partner's money and the wife is slagging you off for not being helpful or generous? I couldn't bite my tongue any longer.

UghFletcher · 03/02/2025 18:02

Don't cover their arses any more. The dirty secret has given him £27k of your money, money that was for your children.

Tell everyone, it's not your shame. It's theirs for being dirty, robbing bastards

category12 · 03/02/2025 18:11

I think you're not getting the money back.

I mean, realistically, if they lost their house and are living with family, you're SOL on getting it back.

So it's a choice between

  • you blow the whole thing up and don't get the money
  • or keep quiet and don't get the money.
Original poster
FamilyFool · 03/02/2025 18:13

category12 · 03/02/2025 18:11

I think you're not getting the money back.

I mean, realistically, if they lost their house and are living with family, you're SOL on getting it back.

So it's a choice between

  • you blow the whole thing up and don't get the money
  • or keep quiet and don't get the money.

I think you're right but what is SOL?

OP posts:
category12 · 03/02/2025 18:23

Shit out of luck.

bellalula · 03/02/2025 18:46

FamilyFool · 03/02/2025 17:46

I'm tempted to tell her but think I'd end up being the baddie for busting the family secret ! X

Show quote history

Fuck that. I wouldn't have been able to bite my tongue when he first said something. You're highly unlikely to get the money back, they clearly don't have it. Best thing to do would be letter before action and give them 14 days to get a repayment plan agreed with you.

bellalula · 03/02/2025 18:49

Also, where has the money gone? My guess would be an addiction of some sort - coke, gambling or onlyfans?

leafyloop · 03/02/2025 19:01

I lent my brother in law money (not on the same scale as you but a significant amount to me).

I had a horrible time getting back and did end up telling my sister.

Turned out he had a garage full of unopened parcels of stuff he'd been ordering online.

I have never lent money to anyone again.

MedusaAndHerFavourites · 03/02/2025 19:23

DH lent his father money behind my back. He thought it would be a two week loan and that I'd never find out. That was 8 years ago and we are still no nearer to getting it back. DH is stupid and his father is no better than a thief.

Original poster
FamilyFool · 04/02/2025 13:35

MedusaAndHerFavourites · 03/02/2025 19:23

DH lent his father money behind my back. He thought it would be a two week loan and that I'd never find out. That was 8 years ago and we are still no nearer to getting it back. DH is stupid and his father is no better than a thief.

Hmn I think I need to say goodbye to that! Expensive lesson.
I'll see if I get any more digs,,!

OP posts:
Original poster
FamilyFool · 05/02/2025 08:10

MedusaAndHerFavourites · 03/02/2025 19:23

DH lent his father money behind my back. He thought it would be a two week loan and that I'd never find out. That was 8 years ago and we are still no nearer to getting it back. DH is stupid and his father is no better than a thief.

How much did he take from you? 🤔

OP posts:
MedusaAndHerFavourites · 05/02/2025 08:34

@FamilyFool

More than we could comfortably lend.

DarlingSophieImHome · 05/02/2025 08:49

Why are you waiting for more digs? If you tell her you might actually get some money back so she can save face. Tell the wife. You were more than happy to tell the uncle to stop asking for money. I would just contact her and say your comments have sat with me and I want you to know that we have lent your husband £27k and are still waiting for payment back.

I have lent money to my siblings and my parents, all of it was repaid when they said it would be. Any transfer is labelled on the banking app as "loan" so that it is understood that it is a loan and I have it in writing when that is to happen.

However, it wasn't £27k, I have lent £20k to be returned on the sale of a house which as above, I did get back.

MayaPinion · 05/02/2025 09:01

I wouldn’t do it in front of the family, but I would meet the wife separately and tell her gently that your husband has already given hers £27,000 without your knowledge and was promised it would be returned quickly. X years later you still haven’t received it and you don’t know what to do because you still haven’t received it. I might even throw in that you’re extremely worried about it and have discussed taking it to the small claims court - one or two thousand can be written off but £27,000 is more than some people earn in an entire year. You would appreciate it if she didn’t slander you any further when you have already gone above and beyond for her family to your own family’s detriment.

senua · 05/02/2025 09:14

What would you do?
Would you tell the wife?
The nephew?
Imagine if you were the nephew and thought you were doing the right thing, being supportive of family. Then you found out that your uncle had shafted another nephew. And that the cousin hadn't given you the heads-up. So, effectively, two family members had let you down. How fed up would you be?
Tell the nephew. And thereby let him tell the wife.

Boredwiththeoldusername · 05/02/2025 09:32

Yes, never again. The relative who owes me has always been a champagne lifestyle type of person, hopeless with money unless flashing it around, and never set anything aside for a rainy day. That was ok when he earned good money but not now. I really resent being daft enough to lend him money and get drawn into his drama of a life, but couldn't see him homeless. I'm prepared to go to court if I don't get it back next week when he downsizes, but aware he owes money all over the place so there'll be a queue!

Coconutter24 · 05/02/2025 09:38

FamilyFool · 03/02/2025 17:46

I'm tempted to tell her but think I'd end up being the baddie for busting the family secret ! X

Show quote history

You’re already the baddie for not helping, what you got to loose. If she keeps having digs at you I would say that the £27000 that was used from your savings to keep a roof over their heads was supposed to go towards your sons uni fees and now your unsure what to do because no one has made an attempt to pay it back… then see what she says

caringcarer · 05/02/2025 09:48

I often lend one of my DC money and they have always repaid me. My DS needed a new section of roof on his house and I let him borrow the money and he repaid me £100 per month until it was repaid. I let my other DS borrow money to buy a newer car and he's repaying me £150 per month and sometimes he repays an extra hundred. It will be repaid in another year. He could have got a loan from his bank but then he'd have had to pay a lot of interest and the bank of Mum doesn't charge interest and allows repayment that they can afford. My finances are separate to dh's finances though. If they were joint I'd check with him he didn't mind. If a couple have joint savings one of the partners should not just lend any of the money without agreement from another partner. That would be a breach of trust and I wouldn't stay with anyone who did this behind my back. In your situation I'd write a formal letter setting out all money borrowed and also a repayment plan stating it must be repaid as it is DS university money. If they failed to start to repay anything I'd take the uncle to court. The court will usually order a repayment plan.

TheyAreNotAngelsTheyDontCareAtAll · 05/02/2025 09:56

That would be grounds for divorce from me!
Neither a bortower or lender be. One always ends up out of pocket, and it isn't the borrower...

Lurkingandlearning · 05/02/2025 10:13

He’s old and can’t afford his own accommodation. You are never going to see that money again.

You don’t have to blow things up to let those people know what he has done to your family. Next time she makes a comment say, “You need to ask uncle why you are so wrong to say that. He shouldn’t have any problem setting you straight on how much we have done for him.” That is explicit enough for them to know you’re out of pocket without running through the list of unpaid loans.

Besides, you need to save your energy for blowing up your husband and telling him he had no right to give away your son’s university fund to his feckless fucking uncle. That he has no right to spend any of your savings without consulting you and that one way or another, second job, selling his belongings etc he is going to replace every penny.

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