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Original poster

Feeling shocked & stuck!

28 replies

FlorenceB19 · 03/02/2025 15:07

Back story...in a relationship for 4 yrs
(50f & 57m)
5 mths after I separated from H of 28 yrs!
A valued work colleague of 10 yrs declared his love for me. He love-bombed, claiming he always had strong feelings, he fantasised about us getting together, he'd never felt this way before etc. he put me on a stupid pedestal! Not warranted!

He left a 6 yr relationship which made him homeless & I offered him a safe place in my rented apartment, while he got back on his feet!

Big mistake! Things moved on quickly & I felt pressured into the relationship! (Reoccurring theme for him as a cuckoo nesting in someone else's home)!

I always pushed & pulled as my gut feeling saw too many red flags!! But the green flags out weighed them)

He was needy, clingy, obsessive yet very attentive! I shared personal experiences with him & he has always held them against me! I therefore felt trapped fearing he would disclose them to others! (He had made threats to tell!) I felt I needed to keep him sweet!

Fast forward 1 yr he suffered a severe stroke & we nearly lost him! I nursed him back to a better place yet he had changed. He became more jealous, questioning my every move, he lacks patience & gets frustrated with minor things & has daily outbursts.(unattractive traits) I struggle with low libido & more so as I'm not physically attracted to him.

Our relationship has been strained since his rehabilitation!

I have told him I love & care for him but not in love & never have been! (Harsh I know but I've tried to force falling in love but my heart just won't go there) I'm confused as I do care for him!

Recently I noticed him being shady with his phone! Then I noticed a pop up message from. Thai massage saying "I've found a good Thai lady for you" so I searched his messages & they talk about her wanting a good man & him sending his photo saying he wants to meet up this week & that he hopes to be a good man!

I'm thinking wait until next week to see if he has more contacts with these women?

My only proof is if he forgets to delete the conversation from his phone.

I have photos of this conversation but since he has deleted from his phone! & he will continue to delete them!

I find myself waiting for the odd moment in case he leaves his phone unattended but he doesn't! Looking for concrete proof & not wanting to stop his intentions)!

How do I approach this?

OP posts:
Hellohellebores · 03/02/2025 15:10

Why wait?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 03/02/2025 15:13

Tell him that the relationship is no longer working for you. It's your place, so you'd appreciate it if he found himself somewhere else to go (with a date by which you want him to be out). Be emotionless and cool and don't let him guilt or browbeat you into letting him stay.

It sounds as though you've stayed far longer than you wanted to anyway. Now it's time for you to be you.

Original poster
FlorenceB19 · 03/02/2025 15:14

I'm unsure how or what to do next?

Do I wait for more proof or is it enough with him just planning on such events?

What's his intentions meeting with a Thai woman? & not telling me?

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 03/02/2025 15:16

You’re not in love with him and the relationship isn’t working for you so why need proof of anything or anyone else?

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 03/02/2025 15:16

Seriously? Why bother. Just ask him to leave now.

Hellohellebores · 03/02/2025 15:17

FlorenceB19 · 03/02/2025 15:14

I'm unsure how or what to do next?

Do I wait for more proof or is it enough with him just planning on such events?

What's his intentions meeting with a Thai woman? & not telling me?

Well, what do you think? Do you want to live with a man who's chatting up Thai women online? Whose permission do you think you need? It's your flat!

JadedVeryJaded · 03/02/2025 15:17

FlorenceB19 · 03/02/2025 15:14

I'm unsure how or what to do next?

Do I wait for more proof or is it enough with him just planning on such events?

What's his intentions meeting with a Thai woman? & not telling me?

🤦‍♀️

Original poster
FlorenceB19 · 03/02/2025 15:18

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 03/02/2025 15:13

Tell him that the relationship is no longer working for you. It's your place, so you'd appreciate it if he found himself somewhere else to go (with a date by which you want him to be out). Be emotionless and cool and don't let him guilt or browbeat you into letting him stay.

It sounds as though you've stayed far longer than you wanted to anyway. Now it's time for you to be you.

After his stroke we moved into social housing as he needed adaptations for his deficits!
We talked last year about signing the tenancy over to me & finding him his own place to live, as I gave up so much for him but always needed my own space!

OP posts:
Pinkmoonshine · 03/02/2025 15:18

Value yourself!!! Get rid of him asap

Original poster
FlorenceB19 · 03/02/2025 15:20

Pinkmoonshine · 03/02/2025 15:18

Value yourself!!! Get rid of him asap

I try to value myself, but have a tendency to put my feelings & needs on a back burner as I tend to care for others more than myself!

OP posts:
username299 · 03/02/2025 15:20

You approach it by working out how to get out of the relationship.

Terrribletwos · 03/02/2025 15:22

He love bombed you when you were in a vulnerable place.

He is now needy and disrespectful and shady.

Absolutely let him go. I am not understanding why you think you should stay with him?

Hellohellebores · 03/02/2025 15:24

Ok, so it's his tenancy now, is it? Even easier - just find yourself a new place. You're still working, right? So hopefully you can find yourself another rental like before, and wash your hands of him. Just leave. He's taking the absolute piss and always has been.

TwistedWonder · 03/02/2025 15:25

Terrribletwos · 03/02/2025 15:22

He love bombed you when you were in a vulnerable place.

He is now needy and disrespectful and shady.

Absolutely let him go. I am not understanding why you think you should stay with him?

Agree. OP you’re only 50 years old. How much more of your life do you want to waste on a needy, disrespectful user of a man you’re not in love with?

Don’t let him keep dragging you down to be old before your time. You get one life - live it

MrsJHernandez · 03/02/2025 15:27

If you don't love him and don't want to be with him, why are you wasting time and effort looking for concrete proof of these other women?!

Just end it, and ask him to leave. Done!

Original poster
FlorenceB19 · 03/02/2025 15:32

Hellohellebores · 03/02/2025 15:24

Ok, so it's his tenancy now, is it? Even easier - just find yourself a new place. You're still working, right? So hopefully you can find yourself another rental like before, and wash your hands of him. Just leave. He's taking the absolute piss and always has been.

Unfortunately it's a joint tenancy & I've spent all of my £20k savings on rental & refurnishing the home etc!

Neither of us would be able to afford private rentals as it's equal to each of our monthly incomes!

Best case scenario would be for us to find him suitable social housing to assist his relative basic needs to ensure it's affordable for us both to live separately!

OP posts:
MayaPinion · 03/02/2025 15:32

Are you on the tenancy? If not just find somewhere else, tell him it’s over, and leave. It’s that easy.

Hellohellebores · 03/02/2025 15:39

FlorenceB19 · 03/02/2025 15:32

Unfortunately it's a joint tenancy & I've spent all of my £20k savings on rental & refurnishing the home etc!

Neither of us would be able to afford private rentals as it's equal to each of our monthly incomes!

Best case scenario would be for us to find him suitable social housing to assist his relative basic needs to ensure it's affordable for us both to live separately!

Show quote history

OMG. I don't know the best way out of it, but ask whoever you need to ask - your housing association, Citizen's Advice, etc - and get yourself free, and then run like the wind. See if you can even rent a room as a lodger, maybe look into one of those schemes where you live as an old person's lodger to provide companionship (not care) and the rent is cheap - can't be worse than your current situation.

And see if you can get some low cost therapy or something around your boundaries and why you think your needs are completely subservient to those of any chancer who walks into your life. Seriously.

Mauro711 · 03/02/2025 15:40

Don't worry about if he's cheating yet or not. It doesn't matter. You want to get out of this relationship regardless and you definitely don't need a reason. He lovebombed you and this is the consequence of that, at some point you were always going to wake up and realise that you had been manipulated.

Spend less time thinking about what he is up to (he's finding his next victim btw) and more time separating yourself from him.

Original poster
FlorenceB19 · 03/02/2025 15:41

MayaPinion · 03/02/2025 15:32

Are you on the tenancy? If not just find somewhere else, tell him it’s over, and leave. It’s that easy.

I am on the tenancy & he signed it over to me last year, but I have held off processing it! In case social housing won't help him if they deem he deliberately made himself homeless!

I was informed by our housing co that I could action the transfer at any time in the future with just the word to go ahead.

OP posts:
Hellohellebores · 03/02/2025 15:45

FlorenceB19 · 03/02/2025 15:41

I am on the tenancy & he signed it over to me last year, but I have held off processing it! In case social housing won't help him if they deem he deliberately made himself homeless!

I was informed by our housing co that I could action the transfer at any time in the future with just the word to go ahead.

Show quote history

Oh right. Do that then.

Original poster
FlorenceB19 · 03/02/2025 15:54

Mauro711 · 03/02/2025 15:40

Don't worry about if he's cheating yet or not. It doesn't matter. You want to get out of this relationship regardless and you definitely don't need a reason. He lovebombed you and this is the consequence of that, at some point you were always going to wake up and realise that you had been manipulated.

Spend less time thinking about what he is up to (he's finding his next victim btw) and more time separating yourself from him.

100% this!!

I do feel he is looking for his next nest!! or more appropriately victim! As I've found other messages from other women meeting up for coffee... not an issue for me (I'm not the jealous or jump to conclusions type of person) but I'm obviously concerned that he hasn't told me about them & kept them secret!

These messages have also been deleted from his phone!

However, regarding the Thai woman, I feel he's looking for sexual pleasures in the meantime!

He hates being on his own, whereas I thrive in solitude.

He recently stated he can't move out as he won't be able to afford living on his own & suggested we live together but separate ways! I declined stating it won't work as I need my own space!

He is on a social housing list but we need to get a social worker & occupational therapist involved to do an assessment report stating his needs for housing to become a priority bidder!

OP posts:
Original poster
FlorenceB19 · 03/02/2025 16:06

I forgot to add that my daughter & large dog lives with us!

It won't be easy for us to find a private rental that is affordable or allows pets!

Hence why we discussed & agreed I stayed in the house & find him something suitable! (Over a year ago!!)

I do think he maybe fearful/struggle living on his own as he's needs people around him at all times!! He doesn't like his own company! & he likes partners to become co-dependent on him! I never played that part as I am too independent & that caused us other kind of issues & insecurities on his part!

He has never owned his own property.... he's crap with money & clings to vulnerable women! & lives off them until he moves on to the next! (I wasn't aware of this reoccurring theme until recently)

OP posts:
UpUpUpU · 03/02/2025 16:08

OP, you sound like you actually want to stay? In which case, it is your life and if you want it to be miserable that is up to you.

He sounds like a sleaze who has pushed his way into your home and made himself very comfortable. You have ways and means to get rid of him so what is stopping you?

And please don't end every sentence with an exclamation mark, it is giving me anxiety 😂

Hellohellebores · 03/02/2025 16:09

Does your daughter work? How old is she? I'm struggling to believe this is real, to be honest. His problems are his problems. They don't need to be your problems. Sign that piece of paper and wave him goodbye. You don't need to prove anything about the other women, because he already knows perfectly well what he's doing, and there's nobody you need to prove it to. Tell the relevant authorities that you're not his partner.