Feeling shocked & stuck!

[FlorenceB19]

Back story...in a relationship for 4 yrs
(50f & 57m)
5 mths after I separated from H of 28 yrs!
A valued work colleague of 10 yrs declared his love for me. He love-bombed, claiming he always had strong feelings, he fantasised about us getting together, he'd never felt this way before etc. he put me on a stupid pedestal! Not warranted!

He left a 6 yr relationship which made him homeless & I offered him a safe place in my rented apartment, while he got back on his feet!

Big mistake! Things moved on quickly & I felt pressured into the relationship! (Reoccurring theme for him as a cuckoo nesting in someone else's home)!

I always pushed & pulled as my gut feeling saw too many red flags!! But the green flags out weighed them)

He was needy, clingy, obsessive yet very attentive! I shared personal experiences with him & he has always held them against me! I therefore felt trapped fearing he would disclose them to others! (He had made threats to tell!) I felt I needed to keep him sweet!

Fast forward 1 yr he suffered a severe stroke & we nearly lost him! I nursed him back to a better place yet he had changed. He became more jealous, questioning my every move, he lacks patience & gets frustrated with minor things & has daily outbursts.(unattractive traits) I struggle with low libido & more so as I'm not physically attracted to him.

Our relationship has been strained since his rehabilitation!

I have told him I love & care for him but not in love & never have been! (Harsh I know but I've tried to force falling in love but my heart just won't go there) I'm confused as I do care for him!

Recently I noticed him being shady with his phone! Then I noticed a pop up message from. Thai massage saying "I've found a good Thai lady for you" so I searched his messages & they talk about her wanting a good man & him sending his photo saying he wants to meet up this week & that he hopes to be a good man!

I'm thinking wait until next week to see if he has more contacts with these women?

My only proof is if he forgets to delete the conversation from his phone.

I have photos of this conversation but since he has deleted from his phone! & he will continue to delete them!

I find myself waiting for the odd moment in case he leaves his phone unattended but he doesn't! Looking for concrete proof & not wanting to stop his intentions)!

How do I approach this?

Opps!! Sorry 🥴🫣 I didn't realise I was doing it so much.

I definitely don't want to stay in this situation.
Generally speaking I am a calm person & tend to prefer to compromise to find a happier solution for all involved.

I don't act out on impulse & try to read the entire situation from every angle & from everyone's perspective & then look for ways to move forward.

It wouldn't match up with my core values to cause harm to others, regardless if they have caused harm to me.

I know in reality when I do confront him with these messages etc he will feel embarrassed, shamed, regretful & depressed etc, yet for me that damage has already been done.

I have only remained in the relationship as he has stated he would jump off a bridge as he doesn't feel his life is worth living if we're not together. I do take his threats seriously so I need to find a peaceful solution so that he feels ready to move on without me & then I can lick my wounds & move forward with my life knowing that yes the situation caused us both harm but he will recover in the long run.

I have only remained in the relationship as he has stated he would jump off a bridge as he doesn't feel his life is worth living if we're not together.

Huge red flag! He is blackmailing you. You are not responsible for his mental or physical health and it seems as if he doesnt extend you the same respect.

If he was that bothered about his relationship with you, he wouldn't be chatting up other women. He's not going to jump off a bridge. Why don't you tell him you'll jump off a bridge unless he clears off - see how seriously he takes you.