Affair advice

[Lostsoul79]

I am seeking geunine advice from anyone else who has been in a similar position - not judgemental opinions please. I've been having an affair with someone for around 18 months (he's married, I'm engaged) and it's been great until now. I think my partner suspects something, even though we have been careful. What do I do? Cut all contact with my lover? Cool things for a while? I should say that is isn't a purely physical relationship - we have talked about a future together, and the fact that we both feel we are with the wrong people. I feel guilty for what's been going on of course, but doesn't everyone deserve to be happy in our short time here? Helpful advice only please, TIA.

I saw the OP and searched for your previous thread. I smell a fantasist. Goodnight.

This. End your relationship. It isnt right for you.

Honestly, what is with all these "I'm having an affair, but don't judge me" posts lately?

Sorry, I judge anyone who is married/engaged/with someone and has an affair.

This has absolutely ended me

Damn it. Just read that too.

“…doesn't everyone deserve to be happy in our short time here?”

Yes OP, they do, but ‘everyone’ includes the four children whose happiness you are jeopardising with your seedy, loathsome conduct.
You brought your children into the world and inflict this on them? A liar and a cheat for a mother and a risk of a broken home.

You speak of them as though they are getting in the way your happiness - when in fact, it’s you, their mother, the one who should keep them safe from harm, who is getting in the way of their happiness.

If you want to fix this for yourself, you do it by putting your children first. And allowing the other children involved, the chance for their parents to put them first. That means you have to stop acting with such utter selfishness, greed, arrogance and immaturity.

Tell your lover that you have come to your senses and you want to concentrate on fixing your relationship for the sake of your children.

Take it from there.

You will never have a chance to be fulfilled and happy unless you do exactly that. Although of course, your fiancée may just chuck you out of his life anyway and who could blame him.

@Lostsoul79, if you want ‘genuine advice’, then you need to be honest and genuine yourself. Instead, you’re being duplicitous with us, just as you are with your Wife and Children.

In August you were Male, married 14 years with an 8 and 13 year old. Your Female AP was divorcing and wishing that she was married to you. In addition to having an EA, you had recently snogged her. You said you had ‘sleepwalked into marriage’, ‘married the wrong person’, and ‘parenting had very much meant intimacy had taken a back seat.’ You were clearly trying to justify your infidelity and theft of your W’s agency.

You received excellent advice —> sort your marriage or end it in an ethical manner instead of choosing to cheat. Although you claimed that you ‘don’t want to hurt my wife and kids’, you have proceeded to further harm and humiliate W by having a full blown PA/EA and to nuke your children’s stability. You are a faithless, self-serving coward who is happy to dupe all of them by pretending to be a monogamous husband and honorable father/role model.

You are now fearful that your sneaky double life is about to be rumbled by unsettled, cuckolded W, whom you have heretofore managed to keep blind to your adultery. I hope that she does discover your treachery and puts you out. You’ve had more than enough time to act like a decent human being and stop making a fool of her.

@Lostsoul79

Are you male or female first?!

If you're trying to disguise your situation by changing sex in posts then my advice is stop abusing your partner by having an affair and stop assisting in the abuse of the other betrayed partner.

You are being judged on here, it's a vile, self serving, selfish and entitled action.

How are you financially if your DP leaves, considering you aren't married and you may very well end up alone?

I never understand how anyone trusts a married man. You know he's a great liar (and has a questionable moral compass). How else could he have been shagging you for a year and his wife not know? Or do you think your more special than the DW he is legally comitted to and the DM of his DC.

IRL I don't know any man who left to play house with the OW and raise someone else's young DC, one he also doesn't trust, no matter how much he says he does.

As the saying goes, doubly so in your cases... 'If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.'
I feel for your fiancée and the DW. They have no idea they're living a lie, making decisions without full knowledge of the facts of their own lives. That's before you consider the DC in all of this. Meanwhile, all you're concerned about is covering up the deceipt until YOU are ready to decide the future.

It’s hard to believe this is a serious post, OP. What sort of new solution do you expect Mumsnet to come up with that you haven’t already thought of? Are you hoping someone will say they found a way through that left everyone happy including the children?

Seeking genuine advice........

No. You're seeking admonishment and/or excuses.

You won't find that on here for being a cheat.

Throw them both back out of respect for your finance, so he can find someone decent, and out of respect for yourself, a married man who cheats is never an end goal.

A ten year engagement isn’t really being engaged is it? You’re partners with jewellery. But if you were expecting to marry ten years ago, I can see why you might be disillusioned with your partner.

People with children leave their spouses all the time. Not saying that isn’t a big deal, it is - but it’s doable. So, as you want to be together what is stopping you?

I think a lot of people who get into affairs say those romantic things and imply there are insurmountable problems standing in the way at of their true love when deep down there isn’t a chance in hell that they will willingly leave their partners. They just want to fuck around without disrupting their lives.

If he hasn’t left his wife to be with you by now it’s unlikely he ever will. If you want to take the high ground you should end your relationship with both of these men. Maybe you think your partner doesn’t deserve any better than to be cheated on but you could take the view that you no longer want to be a woman who does that.

Alternatively, ditch your side piece and stay with your partner. But only do that if you’re prepared to work out why you thought cheating was ok and what can be done to make your relationship enough for you going forward.

The trouble with that is cheating alters a relationship in an intangible way that can never be reversed.

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 literally at Mumsnet posters recently you are all blowing my mind!

If your not happy which evidently your not as your being dicked by someone else then you need to leave and end your current relationship. If your 'lover' doesn't do the same thing and leave his marriage you know what it was to him. You also need to remember a lot of OM just love the thrill and will just tell you what you want to hear at the time because they don't want that 'buzz' they are getting from the affair to go. In future please be mindful of how damaging it is to people when someone they love betrays them the way your doing to your fiancé.

Goodness! Hardly anyone seems to read the thread before posting.

Please read the thread first. This is a poster who in their last post claimed to be a man. 🙄

Someone with a lack of integrity gets zero labour from me. You're an adult, I'm sure you can figure it out yourself.

Hello and thanks for all the reports. The OP has understandably deregistered their account seeing as they have been caught posting a reverse. However we are going to let the thread stand for now, at least.
MNHQ

If there is no intent to marry, she isn’t engaged.

He is 100% a man.