Can sex life be rekindled in a long term sexless relationship - and how?

[CanWeRekindle]

My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We have 2 children - a teenager and a tween. Over the years our sex life (never swinging from the chandelier) dwindled away and it has been a few years since we had sex. I think we’re happy though. Last night when we were in bed (wine had been consumed) husband brought this up in conversation (he never has before) and said ‘don’t you want to have sex … obviously not now’ (I think meaning he wasn’t pressuring me) and I said ‘I don’t know’ and that I felt awkward. I think he was offended by the ‘I don’t know’ but if we haven’t had sex for years and have been jogging along, it seems to me that ambivalence can’t be a huge surprise because otherwise we wouldn’t have got to where we are. This morning I said to him that we should talk about it. Then our son came in. Husband has taken son out to sport this morning.

We are very comfortable together. We are a good team. I love him. I don’t feel a mad urge to rip his clothes off and due to the fact this is the first time he’s mentioned it I thought we were both jogging along with the same expectations. Now he’s brought it up, yes I would like to have a good sex life because it’s clearly something that can be an important and extremely enjoyable part of many long term relationships and brings closeness. But can we get that from where we are? And how could we get there? Do we just start and see if I ‘get into’ it. Do we have a plan, but that doesn’t seem very sexy.

Has anyone been here and got their sex life back? And how?

Some context that might be relevant:

Even in early years I don’t think our sex life was hugely passionate, compared to some I read about on here. Neither of us had a lot of sexual experience when we got together. I suspect neither of us are particularly ‘skilled lovers’.

We are not great talkers - I don’t even know how to start a conversation like this. I mean I guess he has but how to continue it.

Conceiving our children was not an easy journey. For a long time sex was a calculated attempt to get pregnant. Our younger child was conceived via IVF.

I haven’t had a period in over a year so I assume I’m menopausal. Haven’t had any hormone tests to confirm.

I have lost a lot of weight in the last year. There’s a part of me that wonders if he now finds me attractive again and my feelings are a bit hurt I guess by that. That now he wants to have sex but didn’t when I was bigger.

I think you need to discuss it and prioritise it if it is what you both want.

Can you afford to go away together? There is nothing worse for a sex life than children at home.

We don't have a lot of sex unless we are away on holiday together without the kids. Or if we are on holiday- have a bedroom well away from the kids. Door lock included.

Do you have family that would look after the kids if you went away somewhere nice for the weekend?

I think you just get out of the habit. And if you are both up for it then you just need to get back into that habit.

Did you get a chance to say anything this morning before your son came in? I'd probably text him and say you would like to have sex again and you really want to talk about it later, as it seems from your post he doesn't know what you're thinking.

I wonder if some counselling would help you communicate with each other better.

You absolutely can get your sex life back. But you need to talk about it - tell him that you feel like he only fancies you cis you've lost a bit of weight. And be prepared to listen if he tells you about his he has felt rejected by you over the years.

We went through the same thing about 14 months ago, and we now have a really lovely, intimate connection, better than at any other time in our relationship.

Now that the pressure of having sex for making babies is off, it is amazing to re-discover the joy of having sex purely for pleasure. You have both seen each others bodies change and age so hopefully you can let yourself relax and soften and build that physical intimacy up. I would echo advice to ship the kids off for a couple of nights, get some lube, and see how it goes. Best of luck.

This is my first ever post, but thought I would post as your position resonates so much with me.

My sex drive went MIA over a period of time (combination of children, working full time, looking after elderly parents and menopause). My husband even asked a few times whether we would ever have sex again.

Things are much improved - less stress with work, kids and parents. I also take various multi-vitamins.

I am by nature very independent and had got into a habit of doing separate things after the kids were in bed. We have reconnected by spending more time together (little things like watching TV on the sofa, walking dog, shopping etc). It has brought us closer and the intimacy has returned.

Definitely, speak with your husband. Hope all goes well.

Yes, you absolutely can!

He's opened the dialogue which it sounds like is a big deal for both of you, so take the bull by the horns—send him a text message right now and let him know you’d love to have sex. Suggest discussing it tonight once the kids are in bed.

How affectionate are youwith each other day to day?If physical intimacy has been lacking, jumping straight into sex might feel like a shock to the system. Start by rebuilding touch—cuddling, kissing, and reconnecting physically before taking it further.

In terms of whether he finds you attractive, I wonder if it’s more about how you feel in yourself - if you’ve lost weight and are feeling more confident then perhaps he’s noticed and your confidence has peaked his interest?

If you’re both making assumptions rather than talking openly, couples counselling could be a useful step to improve communication before anything else.

I recommend this podcast
The Don’t Buy Her Flowers Podcast - Episode 0200_

Now, take the first step—reach out to him and start the conversation!

My DH and I brought our relationship back from the brink and now I’m so glad we did. Been together 22 years and are stronger and more connected than we have ever been before. For us it was a Ciscos choice and instead of just jumping in we just started doing nice things for each other. I started making his packed lunch and buying him the little treats I know he likes. Putting the occasional note in telling him how happy he made me. I would make his favourite meals and run a bath when he was due him. He started buying me flowers, doing the bins without being asked repeatedly ( I haaaate bin duty). We made specific time to talk about “house” stuff and would go the pub for an hour and talk about the month gone and the month coming and how we felt things were going/what we wanted to change. After 6-8 weeks of that we found that non sexual intimacy just seemed to come back naturally. After a week or two of massages/hand holding/kissing it just kind of blossomed and we have gone from strength to strength. The strength of our connection can sometimes overwhelm me. I thought I loved him after a year and at year 7 etc but it’s nothing compared to now.

Agree with others - you need to talk about this, and be prepared to listen. Very similar situation here - together 20 years, good relationship, very contented, no sex for a while now. I'm perimenopausal and just not really interested. He doesn't seem interested either but we haven't talked about it for a while. I know we need to. I would like to start having sex again but I know it won't happen by magic

It sounds like you have a very contented relationship and that's an important start. You can get things back on track sexually. Start the conversation and remember that you are on the same side, and you can work it out together

I think texting him now might help salvage what sounds like a conversation that he may be feeling a bit rejected by. Something like ‘Dave, you caught me off guard last night when you asked me if I didn’t want to have sex anymore. Honestly, I really would, but I wasn’t sure if you wanted to anymore? Can we have a chat about it later tonight’?

Then when you do get a chance to chat perhaps start by being curious - ask him whether he’d like to start having sex again? Why he thinks it dropped off? Perhaps share why you think it has dropped off, and go from there?

I really wouldn’t get hung up on whether he finds you more attractive now you’ve lost weight or not - if he wants to do it now, and you want to as well, then focus on that instead. 💜

Following because I'm your husband in this.

I definitely agree with those saying to tell him you do want sex with him. My DH is non committal about it and it puts me off trying to talk about it as I feel like he's not keen. So if you are potentially keen make that clear.

The lack of sex must have been on his mind for a while to bring it up when a bit tipsy. That leads me to the question of if you are as close as you think you are or if you not very approachable to your Dh? It’s just an area you might need to explore as my partner and I will talk about sex of one of us isn’t hsppy - we haven’t been together 20 years but 5 years. Maybe you are a good “team” when it comes to family but how much alone time do you have? These are not attacks on you btw.
I would get the hormone test done as if you’ve had menopause in a way it makes it easier as no need to think of contraception, you can be spontaneous when you start to restart your sex life! Good luck! Talk to him
asap!

I'd suggest trying to spend more time being affectionate but with no expectations of sex- after a bath/ shower, have a cuddle in bed. Skin on skin contact. Usually leads to a stirring. Sometimes I still cba but it does help.

Op, how much weight did you lose, and how did you feel about your appearance when heavier.

i ask because i also lost weight, but the truth is i didn’t think i looked good fat, and would not blame my husband if he wasn’t attracted to me fat. I looked bloated and heavy, if I didn’t think I looked good why should I expect him to?

so I’m trying to examine if you felt attractive/hot when heavier. If so fair enough you expected your husband to. But if you didn’t it’s unreasonable to be expecting him to feel differently than you yourself did.

you also don’t examine why you didn’t wish to have sex with him, rather making it his fault.

Thank you all.

I messaged him earlier thanking him for starting the conversation, saying I love him and saying we should talk. I didn’t use the word ‘sex’ because there’s every chance our son might see his phone. i will make sure I make it clear later that I do want to have sex.

One problem is I would like to have more sex in theory but it feels like such a hurdle that it’s been so long. And we aren’t physically very affectionate day to day so perhaps that’s something to address.

I did wonder about counselling before I posted but I’d be amazed if he’d go for it. He’s an introverted and private person.

in terms of how I feel about myself having listened to weight I do feel more confident and that I look better. So perhaps it is a more positive interpretation that he’s picked up on that more than assuming that when I was fatter he didn’t fancy me and now he does because I’m thinner (I’m still not thin btw - still in the overweight category).

We didn’t have sex for about 2 years and it was sporadic before that.

It was primarily me that didn’t want it, so I initiated things (starting with spending more time on the sofa watching tv). This gradually evolved and was reciprocated.

We had some tricky conversations (I am very shy about things), but we are in a much better place.

I think saying you feel it’s a hurdle sounds like family life is busy ( like it is for all women). Some tips from me are get a tv for your room if you are worried about the noise, morning sex on weekends as teenagers sleep a lot, lock for your bedroom, wfh on same day and have sex on your lunch break. You need to get out of mind set of looking for hurdles, look for opportunities! Myself and my dp had very quiet sex on Friday night as my tween stayed over instead of being at her dads as he was away. I hadn’t seen my dp for 11 days which equated to 11 days no sex so we just went for it … it was actually quite fun and we both felt more connected and loved up afterwards. Sorry if that is tmi but from experience it’s something that’s important to myself and my partner. Good luck speaking to your husband, I hope you can both slowly get back to it.

You don't talk much, don't have day-to-day physical affection and haven't had sex for years.

That sounds like not much of a relationship. Are you wanting your marriage to continue?

I really recommend listening to psychotherapist Esther Perel on YouTube or podcasts about reviving long-term relationships.

It’s a fair challenge. I can see how it sounds. But for me yes 100% want the relationship to continue. I love him and he says he loves me. We enjoy each other’s company. Have fun and laugh. He’s my confidant and safe space. I know he’s on my side and I’m on his. I know I said we don’t talk much but I suppose I meant we’ve never been very good at talking about sex, about that side of our relationship. We don’t kiss and cuddle and if we did that more I’d expect we’d have sex more too.

Maybe start off by asking if he'd like a back massage or ask if he'd give you a back massage, with no expectation that it will lead to anything else.

It may be too full on a suggestion for you at this stage, but if the initial conversation happened after you'd had some wine, could you just...have more wine and see what happens?
Get dressed up, go for a nice meal and have a few drinks and arrive home a bit less inhibited?

Why don't you take the pressure off sex and start with intimacy? A hug, a kiss make a point of giving each other a hug every day and a kiss when you leave/get home or throughout the day. A cuddle in bed. If you haven't had sex in a long time it may feel like a huge jump but if you can take small steps to create an intimate bond between you it'll move on from there.

Same situation here op and it also feels like hurdles or barriers. I know on paper what to do, build up a bit of non sex intimacy to start with, talk, but even the doing of those things feels quite challenging. There's probably a degree of bite the bullet needed. On some level I'm not bothered about sex but then I'm still relatively young, do I want to never have sex again?! I don't want to split up. Just offering solidarity as I completely understand.

A quick update because I’m at work. We had a good chat last night and I was able to reassure him that I do want to restart our sex life. He was relieved because he’d assumed otherwise (understandably) from my ‘I don’t know’ comments.

We are planning to prioritise our relationship and closeness. I made sure I gave him a kiss on the mouth goodbye this morning. I need to ask around locally for a babysitter. It does feel a relief to have spoken and both agree to take action. Obviously more to do.

I will try to update here in case helpful for anyone else.

Thanks everyone who has commented.

Good luck OP.

Good luck op, I reality hope this works for you both ♥️