Can sex life be rekindled in a long term sexless relationship - and how?

[CanWeRekindle]

My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We have 2 children - a teenager and a tween. Over the years our sex life (never swinging from the chandelier) dwindled away and it has been a few years since we had sex. I think we’re happy though. Last night when we were in bed (wine had been consumed) husband brought this up in conversation (he never has before) and said ‘don’t you want to have sex … obviously not now’ (I think meaning he wasn’t pressuring me) and I said ‘I don’t know’ and that I felt awkward. I think he was offended by the ‘I don’t know’ but if we haven’t had sex for years and have been jogging along, it seems to me that ambivalence can’t be a huge surprise because otherwise we wouldn’t have got to where we are. This morning I said to him that we should talk about it. Then our son came in. Husband has taken son out to sport this morning.

We are very comfortable together. We are a good team. I love him. I don’t feel a mad urge to rip his clothes off and due to the fact this is the first time he’s mentioned it I thought we were both jogging along with the same expectations. Now he’s brought it up, yes I would like to have a good sex life because it’s clearly something that can be an important and extremely enjoyable part of many long term relationships and brings closeness. But can we get that from where we are? And how could we get there? Do we just start and see if I ‘get into’ it. Do we have a plan, but that doesn’t seem very sexy.

Has anyone been here and got their sex life back? And how?

Some context that might be relevant:

Even in early years I don’t think our sex life was hugely passionate, compared to some I read about on here. Neither of us had a lot of sexual experience when we got together. I suspect neither of us are particularly ‘skilled lovers’.

We are not great talkers - I don’t even know how to start a conversation like this. I mean I guess he has but how to continue it.

Conceiving our children was not an easy journey. For a long time sex was a calculated attempt to get pregnant. Our younger child was conceived via IVF.

I haven’t had a period in over a year so I assume I’m menopausal. Haven’t had any hormone tests to confirm.

I have lost a lot of weight in the last year. There’s a part of me that wonders if he now finds me attractive again and my feelings are a bit hurt I guess by that. That now he wants to have sex but didn’t when I was bigger.

Do you have fun together in a flirty way? How tactile & physically affectionate are you with him generally? How often do you have a proper kiss, as in a snog? I would say those things have to come first before thinking about having full sex again.

Thanks. Not often enough to all those things. We have both been making a noticeable effort the last couple of days though. And I am trying to find a babysitter so we can make time for dates again.

I’d definitely recommend reading or listening to Esther Perel’s works - she tackles a lot of the issues with dwindling sex drives using real life couples from her practice.

(edited for spelling)

I'm in the same boat OP. We tried couples counselling recently which was helpful in getting us to talk more openly and to understand all the stresses and resentments and personal baggage that had led us to this point. But I don’t think it made any difference to our non existent sex life.