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Original poster

Partners insensitive comment

28 replies

BrightMauveCat · 02/02/2025 09:13

A little back story, we met around 4 years ago, engaged and getting married this year. We have a nearly 2 year old and I'm in peri, so as you can imagine in knackered. I also have an ill father and two older teens who certainly keep me on my toes.
So last night we were watching a program and I mentioned how latina women are always so beautiful, as in well groomed, feisty etc which I admire. I was also like this before peri got its hands on me.
Now my partner who has never actually made me feel crappy about myself, turned around and said that Columbian women are the most beautiful of the latina women. Now this is where I I felt that horrible drop in the stomach, I know I've let myself go to a certain point. He sees this and continues with, " well you perv over other men". I actually don't as I have absolutely no interest in other men (another wonder of peri).
I might add our sex life has also gone downhill with all my issues and work etc.

I know it's normal for men to look but he is fully aware of how I feel right now as we have good communication and i found it insensitive, I feel horrible about myself and how I am at the moment but I also wonder if I'm over reacting?

Would you ladies feel the same way?

OP posts:
NowThatYouSayIt · 02/02/2025 09:18

I don’t think I’d have thought twice, but it sounds as if you were fishing for a compliment/looking for reassurance while he thought you were just having a conversation about Latina women.

TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 09:19

Are you Latina?

Rachmorr57 · 02/02/2025 09:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MyUmberSeal · 02/02/2025 09:21

I honestly wouldn’t give it a second tonight. Perhaps me and my husband are in the minority, but I know all the famous women he finds attractive and have no issue with him telling me. Likewise, I tell him. We’ve watched Peaky Blinders several times and I never fail to tell my husband that I’d choose Thomas Shelby over him any day.

Do something to make yourself feel good about yourself, hair cut, nails, a few items of new clothing. All will be fine.

Olika · 02/02/2025 09:22

I wouldn't think too much of it.

Findacleverusername · 02/02/2025 09:23

Well personally I think you bringing up the subject of other women being beautiful when you aren't feeling positive about yourself was a bit silly. I suppose he thought you were giving him licence to talk about his preferences.
But yes I would have found his comment insensitive in that it's never a good move imo in a relationship to talk about which other people you are attracted to.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2025 09:23

Why does he apparently think in his words, "you perv over other men"?. Has he made similar comments before now?.

Is he that bloody paranoid about you having it away with any man that he now wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making?. That's a big red controlling flag re him right there. Is this man really who you want to marry?.

Plaided · 02/02/2025 09:23

So it’s ok for you to judge a woman’s looks according to their ethnicity, but not him? He was agreeing with what you said and offered further clarification.

It sounds like you started this and he didn’t say anything contrary to you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/02/2025 09:25

Why did you say that? Was he supposed to disagree? It sounds like you set him a test and think he failed. That’s called playing silly games.

FabFeb01 · 02/02/2025 09:25

You did bring it up. I probably wouldn’t have made that comment in any context but particularly if I was feeling rubbish about myself. What did you want him to say?

mamajong · 02/02/2025 09:26

Honestly, I think you're over reacting. You mentioned the attractiveness of other women and he essentially agreed, but attractiveness is just one quality and what he said is a throwaway comment that it doesnt really mean anything. It comes across that you set a trap for him which he fell into. Peri makes me feel crazy sometimes so no judgement for it, but it does sound like you need to do some work on your self esteem and/or just not say these types of things to your partner.

Calliecarpa · 02/02/2025 09:31

Play silly games, win silly prizes. Making a generalisation based on ethnicity like 'Latina women are always so beautiful', 'well groomed' and 'feisty' is daft in the first place, and arguably quite offensive. Are they really? All of them, always? I'm not quite sure how you expected your P to respond.

Sassybooklover · 02/02/2025 09:32

Honestly, I wouldn't have thought twice about the comment. You started the conversation by your own comment and your husband added his part. I know the celebrities that my husband finds attractive and he knows mine! 🤷 I know not everyone is the same in their relationship.

debauchedsloth · 02/02/2025 09:46

Yup. You are overreacting. You are trying to push your unhappiness about yourself on to him - it's comfier to blame someone else as causing our shit feelings, than to own our own stuff.

YOU Think you look crap - he doesn't.

Original poster
BrightMauveCat · 02/02/2025 09:52

I know I am insecure. I'm a DV survivor and at the moment I don't have any time what so ever to pamper myself.
I didn't say it as a trap just that I admire them from what I've seen on tv. I know on TV isn't necessarily a true account. If a woman is beautiful I have no problem saying it but it's very unlike him to actually say something like that and then In my head to excuse it and say I perv at other men.
Perhaps that was the issue not so much that he made the comment?

OP posts:
TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 09:57

If you’re not a Latina woman
that I can’t see why you’re offended

Original poster
BrightMauveCat · 02/02/2025 10:05

@TicklishRubyCritic no I'm not latina. Also my comment wasn't to offend, it was just how I perceive latina women as being beautiful.

OP posts:
TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 10:10

BrightMauveCat · 02/02/2025 10:05

@TicklishRubyCritic no I'm not latina. Also my comment wasn't to offend, it was just how I perceive latina women as being beautiful.

Yes but his comment was Colombian women are the most beautiful out of Latina women

you’re not a Latina woman

TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 10:10

BrightMauveCat · 02/02/2025 10:05

@TicklishRubyCritic no I'm not latina. Also my comment wasn't to offend, it was just how I perceive latina women as being beautiful.

You and your fiancé simply share the same perception then

Original poster
BrightMauveCat · 02/02/2025 10:14

@TicklishRubyCritic yes we obviously do.
I think the issue is with me. Obviously I have taken this all the wrong way and maybe it's time I started making some time for myself and feeling a bit more like me. After all you can't pour from an empty cup.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 02/02/2025 10:17

Are you on HRT, OP? You sound like you might be hyper sensitive as well as suffering from fatigue.

Original poster
BrightMauveCat · 02/02/2025 10:21

@Apileofballyhoo no, I've only been offered the coil. I'm so over it already, it's turned me into a different person and as you can tell it's hard to navigate life when you feel this way.

OP posts:
TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 10:23

Are you happy in your relationship? Do you teens get on with him? Less than 4 years to meet someone, move them in, fall pregnant and have a 2 year old… when you already have two children - well, that’s fast!

ItGhoul · 02/02/2025 10:40

You’re being incredibly over-sensitive. You brought the subject up and he literally just joined in the conversation. I suspect he only said anything about you perving over men because he felt he had to defend himself when you reacted badly.

NorthernGirl1981 · 02/02/2025 10:47

I wouldn’t worry about it OP.

Me and my DH often joke about who we fancy off the TV.

We were watching The Crown a few weeks ago and I was poking fun at him because I knew he’d previously made comments about how beautiful Diana had been. When we went to bed that night and things started getting amorous I whispered in his, “You can even call me Diana if you like” 🤣

It was like a scene from Gavin and Stacey when Pam and Mick go into their role play of Charles and Camilla….

But on a serious note, it doesn’t seem like he said anything hurtful and he was just adding a comment to something you had already said and was just agreeing with the point you had made.

You are obviously dealing with some horrible emotions at the moment but don’t let them turn a molehill into a mountain.