world of warcraft widow...

[weebam]

hi,im new here,love reading all the topics and have got loads of advice when i was pregnant so thanks everyone. im a mother to a 12 yr old boy and 5 month old boy,my husband and i have problems (who doesnt) i could bore you with them for hours but for the past few months he has been addicted to this game and im struggling to cope. he is on it whenever he has the chance,and i end up goin to bed around 9.30 as i get up every day and night with our son. he sits up till 3 or 4 in the morning and so is done in and struggles to get up for work.he has reduced his hours to part time but is so late all the time that he is going to get sacked.i have tried talking,shouting,nagging,crying,being the perfect wee wife but im not getting anywhere. he doesnt see the harm,even tho he is losing his family. advice (or miracles) anyone please???

My husband and son are both addicted to this game. They have two computers next to each other. My stepson plays with them as well from Uni 200 miles away. I am about to be kicked off this computer now so they can play. They even made me create a "mummy" character.

poor you,thot i had it hard with just one being addicted!

exactly the same thing for me - it sounds nizarre doesn't it - i almost feel ashamed - i feel embarrassed - like its not real or serious.

last year - my husband after ignoring me for the 2 previous years - waking up on american times to play 'utopia' a strategy game - going to work and then being constantly afry becuase he had no sleep.

this viscious cycle culminated in some minor domestic violence - the no sleep, me begging or attention feeling like i was begging him to take notice of me daily.

i introduced my whole routine around this - becuase he woulddn't give it up.

eventually after two weekends in a row of drunken DV i left and went to a refuge

all over a stupid computer game man!

its an addiction.
its a recognised one too

for us it resulted in the banning of the game, angar management and relate.

we have been married 19 years - 18 at that point - and it seemed such a fucking waste of our lives to throw in the towel over this.

but i tried for two years - i bitched about it here.

no one thought it ws that serious.

it is

He is behaving like a 12 year old.

Delete game.

Ebay disc.

Tell him to grow up

Hi, i know all about WoW.

Basically, for me he is an 'addict'. This is something that many people share/experience with this game (I should know, ive played the game, but so far managed not to get obsessed by it) so this suggestion may not help much.

One thing you can try (but he WONT like this) and its not going to be easy to implement, but there is a 'Parental control' setting you can use against his profile. This means, using a different login to get onto his actual profile (not his in game password) so ONLY YOU can assign in slots of 1/2 hr periods, that he can play in.. i.e. between 5pm and 12pm, across the week. Maybe more at the weekend.

However you need to keep the password to yourself whatever his begging/excuses maybe (altho if he needs to make a payment then you should do it without him being in the room, or if so, change the password after hes done it and send it to your private email).. it will be hard for him to let you do this. You may need someone to help you do this if your not PC/game/internet savvy?

Other than that, you may need to consider addiction counselling!

good luck!

Well, I never knew it could be an addiction, but I had similar with xh. That sheds some light. I took it all very personally

ive tried everything,including the begging for attention,i also have pnd and am tryin my best to deal with this daily,and managing quite well i think,on account of everything thats happened over the last year,we got married after 4 yrs togetha,2 days after we got back from honeymoon, xmas eve,i found out he had been visiting a girl upstairs in the flat for "chats". although he lied about where he was whenever i asked him,it was her mum who told me and he finally admitted it but said it was only to talk about our problems. then it was porn,anytime,anykind,anywhere.on his mobile was messages from girls who were up for sex at the weekend in our area,he said he logged on to the site by accident.the porn thing has died down but im still insecure so thats probably why i feel so neglected too. i feel like a mother of 3 instead of a wife and mother of 2.its bloody hard trying to be happy when i feel like total crap. (sorry,needed a whinge)

its not a whinge at all - thats trivialising the fucked upness of your life over imaginary fucking dwarfs.

if he sat at the telly all day until 3am - did fuck all ignored real life

would this be ok?

would it be ok fot you to mumnset until the wee hours and then say " oh fuck it - just too tired to deal with real life today. i have to gather my energy to talk to this imaginary bird called custardo on the internet.

?

i know,he is raging at me just now coz ive took the laptop into bed and said i dont know how long i will be on it for. he is desperate to get on it.my eyes are stinging with tiredness but im trying to let him see what its like to be ignored for a computer,and this is just one night!! oh man,i just want to go to bed with my husband and fall asleep with him next to me,is that too bloody much to ask!!!!!! and no,it wouldnt be ok for me to do that,i had to get up with the wee manwhen we all had the flu because "he had it worse than me". so i wouldnt get away with it for being too tired! lol;

i can sympathise re.the WoW,but if my dh had been having 'chats' with another woman he wouldnt be here anymore,simple.

i have started many a thread about my dh and this game since ive been on MN.i had ante-natal depression and PND,dd3 is 14 months now and i think im on the road to recovery.however;

we have a pc each,and he plays WoW while i go on MN.

we both come off the pc at the same time(usually by 10pm but he is raiding tonight grrrr)then spend some time watching tv/cuddling together before going to bed.

it has helped me to have councelling and now group therapy for my self-esteem issues.i no longer take his addiction personally(i used to think he was trying to avoid spending time with me or using it as a way to meet other women),and i have found that my not ranting at him etc has had a positive effect on him also.

i know that your dh is the one with the problem,but you cant control how he behaves,you can only control yourself.as you start to feel better about yourself then he will either realise you arent going to take anymore crap and sort himself out,or you will realise that you can do better and tell him where to go.

Hey Weebam

Me and my husband both play WoW so I can see both sides.

Have you tried sitting down with him and talking about it? Telling him calmly how it makes you feel - something like 'I know it's not your intention but it really does make me feel that you don't want to spend time with me.' Perhaps you could come to an agreement - three nights a week he gets his WoW, the other four you do something you both enjoy.

With games, a lot of women tend to steam in and yell 'why are you spending all your time on a STUPID GAME?' which pisses players off - it's a hobby like any other and nobody likes to be told their hobby is stupid. (Of course it is inherently stupid pretending to be an elf. But it is also fun. And I think it's inherently stupid to kick a ball around, horses for courses and all that...)

That's a good post, Divastrop. I think this really is something you need to work out together and compromise on. If that doesn't work...then I'd suggest that there is something a lot deeper going on. Reading your later posts, it seems to me that the WoW is only a symptom. I think you need to deal with the underlying causes of this, as if you put a stop to the WoW by force I suspect he will just find something else.

thanks all,i have tried talking calmly to him,letting him play without moaning but he just stays on it constantly.ive told him i feel neglected and that when the wee man is in bed i feel under pressure to go also as i know he is desperate to get on the comp and play.i know how addictive games can be but surely his responsibility as a father and husband should come first?there is loads of things i would love to have the time to do but cant. my older son had football on sat morning at 8.30 and i had to take the wee one as his dad had stayed up till 5 playing the game and couldnt get up to watch him!! and he hasnt got up with him at the weekend fo the past few weeks as he is supposed to coz he is teething and is up thru the night so im a walking zombie. saying that,he slept the past 2 nights from 9.30 till 7 so heres hoping thats him bak to his routine. we have many underlying issues but he thinks that once something happens its in the past and should stay there,whereas i want to discuss it,understand why it happened etc so that we can try to stop it happening again.so things just keep happening. argh!!

have you told him you will leave him if this continues?tell him you want to lay down some ground rules such as he gets you a laptop of your own,and you both go to bed together every night so he can get up with the lo's in the morning as well as you.tell him if he doesnt agree to this then your relationship is over,as you are living like a single mother anyway so you may as well be one.maybe he will actually think about what he's doing if he knows he could lose you and the dc,and if he doesnt change,then you will know he doesnt give a f**k about you anyway and that you're better off without him.

Ah WoW has a lot to answer for. (And all the other MMORPGs)

The problem with WoW is how long the instances take. With most other games you can say not until after x pm when kids are in bed etc and it isn't so much of an issue, but when all the cool kids are going on raids starting at 7pm and the children don;t go to bed until 7.30pm then you have problems.

I was lucky, DH needs very little sleep so it didn't interfere with work, moods etc.

DH has played games for as long as we have been together (I have played them too).

We tend to have a cycle of a big bust up, him being more selective over playing times for a while, then drifting back into playing too much.

I don't have any real advice - we have pretty much found our own rhythm now where we parent during child waking hours (with the odd bit of MN/game of the moment ), then evenings we tend to do our own thing most of the time (I work most evenings anyway).

It works for us now.

Many tears and long discussions to get us here though.

Custy - I have read your problems on and off, but never knew what the problem was iyswim (drink etc) - it is scary just how addictive gaming can be.

divastrop,i have told him i feel like single mother,i was one for 8 years and i thot this time it would be great having a supportive hubby etc.he is younger than me so i think immaturity has a lot to do with it but he was so good with the little one at the start. now he only really settles for me and thats hard for both myself and the wee one.he has missed out on a lot,yet he could be such a great dad,as he is great with him. he just doesnt think about the other stuff.like,if im out at football with my other son,he will sit on comp and there could be a pile of dishes,washing,bottles needing washed,sterilised etc and he will just ignore it,so when i get in with the 2 kids i have to do it all once they are in bed.so im a moan and shattered.vicious cycle. he has dropped to part time hours also and said that as he is bringing a wage in ihe should be entitled to relax at night,not get up with lo etc. yet i bring in the exact same wage(maternity pay) and am on duty 24/7. doesnt seem quite fair. man,i could go on for hours and hours but im crap at typing since been off work and my brain has turned to mush.

Yeah, instances take some time. Me and DH are lucky in that we play with a few friends, some of whom have babies themselves. They have no problem when one of us has to dash off because DS is crying, or if DS is ill so there's no way we can do an instance we've planned. If someone in an instance slagged me off for going to sort out my child, I'd tell them to feck off and never play with them again. It ain't the game that's the problem, it's how you play the game - there are always ways round. For example, me and DH have one lie-in each at the weekend, so if we want to do instances until 2am we just do it on the night before the lie-in.

I repeat, though, it doesn't sound like WoW is the real issue here - I think it's a symptom. I think some counselling to help you and your DH communicate better might be an idea. Have you thought about that? Sometimes it's just not understanding what each other are saying - for example, I can see how talking about past mistakes might seem like a good idea to you, but he might just be hearing 'look at all the shit things you have done, let's go over them again and again'. Not that you are saying that - it could just be what he's hearing. With those selective man-ears!

selective man ears,i like it! yeah you could be right,he prob does think that,we used to talk for hours bout everything and now its an effort to tell me how his day has been. i think we do need counselling,but to be honest,with the drop in wages we couldnt afford it,i dont even know how much it costs? i obv have issues too,i aint perfect (far from it) but i just want to try and be a family as best as we can, my son is 12 and is a walking hormone so thats hard too so i would love a bit of support and love. just a bit of attention i suppose. god im such a bloody moan.but its good to vent. i think i might get addicted to this then we will have to fight over the laptop lol

wots an instance? i take it its part of the game,like an episode or something?do you think it would help if i tried the game and we could maybe play together sometimes? oh man,then the 2 kids would be totaly neglected

Playing together does help When we first started living together DH got Ultima Online.

I felt ignored and rejected (no kids then), and he asked me to play with him.

We played together (often both controlling different aspects of the same character - less easy on WoW), and it brought us a lot closer together. Even though I have only played the subsequent games on and off, I have an idea of how they work and understand it all a lot more.

He has to agree to groundrules though - no playing between x hours, no allowing it to interfere with work etc.

yeah i know.i will try again tonight.he was on till 3 this morning again so he will be shattered tonight but he will still want to play. am i being unreasonable to not want him on it every night till the wee hours.am i being selfish? please be honest.im starting to think i might be,he says i am.

WoW Widower lives here

I'm the addict in our family, although it is his game!

WoW is addictive because of the type of game it is. You're playing with other people and everything is moving around you. For example if your game crashes (or server grrr) when you are in the middle of fighting something, you just disappear from the game, your enemy carries on as if you hadn't been there but next time you come back you are where you were with your health in the same state as when you left but the enemy at full health. You can't pause the game or just come off for a sec, you have to make sure you're safe first. I agree about instances, I've spent six hours in one before, probably made a bit longer because it was during the day and I was looking after Tink at the same time. You make friends on there (I have IRL friends that I play with on there) so it becomes as much about socialising as playing, I know when I'm not feeling well I'll go on and find something simple to do and just chat to people. My IRL friends come round a couple of times a week and sit around with laptops! I had to get a router so they could.

I think for those who play it it's as much a hobby than anything else. I've spent all day knitting, sudoko, reading etc before now, I don't see much difference. It's about the people more than the hobby. If the hobby is having an effect on the relationship or is masking something in the relationship then that needs to be looked at.

claricebeansmum, can't ebay the game, it's not like most software, you register it to your account, once the code is used it's wasted.

An instance is a special area of the game where you need a team, it's harder and you get better rewards.

I definetly think it would help if you tried it yourself, but to play together you need a seperate PC and account. If you had a character you could get him to boost you so that you can catch him up quicker and he could train you up. It's not a solo game (I yelled this at my guild once ) it's sociable and far better when played together.

he told me he only ever talks to people about the game and its only men.and its only sometimes.i dont fancy the game tbh,i prefer bejewelled etc.nothing too taxing.i would try it tho but would be worried i would neglect other things and dont really want to go down that route. i dont mind him playing,its the amount of time he does and how its affecting our relationship and that with his son.

No, I don't think you're being selfish at all, weebam. It is perfectly normal to want to share some things with your DH and spend some time with him, and his behaviour is totally unreasonable in the context of his family life. If he was a teenager, fine, but he's not. There's nothing wrong with enjoying a hobby but you have to have some consideration for those around you.

I love playing together but you need separate copies of the game and separate computers if you want to have different characters playing together at the same time. (They know how to keep the money flowing in )

An instance is where you get a group together and go through a dungeon together. The main game is quests which don't take very long but some of the instances are massive and it takes ages to get through them. If you kill the boss at the end you get very nice armour or weapons which is why you have to play through to the end! And if you drop out of a group they can get pissed off, though as I've said, I wouldn't play with anyone who had that attitude (ie teenagers).

Thinking about the whole deleting the game, etc, stuff...I really don't agree with that. Treating people like children, even if they are behaving like children, doesn't do a relationship any good in my eyes. What's the point of someone doing something if they're being coerced to do it? They don't really mean it. They have to want to sort things out.

Why don't you have a look at the Relate site and find out a bit more about counselling? I admit I've got no idea of prices but maybe they have something for people with not much money - I'm sure they don't cost the earth. It's www.relate.org.uk. They also offer phone and email counselling as well as face-to-face. Can't do any harm to give them a call and find out more!