Feel completely trapped with someone who doesn’t want to change

[straightonaplaneagain]

And won’t address it.

I have even started drinking the cool aid of delusion, to coin a phrase. It’ll go something like this

H will appear upbeat after work. He is sober. I know what’s coming. He’s going to be drinking that night. I have feelings of anger, internal rage, sadness.

Once the drinking starts, he’s chatty, easy going and funny. So funny. Wants to have conversation with me he wouldn’t have otherwise. He’s happy and content. He might listen to some music, always watches short clip funny videos and shares them with me. He seems at peace with life and his lot.

The next morning, if it’s a work night, he will always announce he’s working from home that day. And he’s fine in the morning, still quite upbeat.

Afternoon comes. He’s low in mood. Wants to eat constant crap. Raids the fridge and cupboard. Depressed. Tired. Very tired.

Late afternoon/evening, he is dead behind the eyes. The morning after this, he’s quiet and won’t talk very much at all. Insists he’s fine.

And that’s that. The cycle is over and will start again, probably Friday night if he’s not too tired.

He does this twice a week. Meaning he’s recovering for about 3 days a week or so in total.

I can’t escape it. I feel like I myself am fooled that it’ll all be fine, and I like the man he is when he’s drinking.

What on earth has happened? Why can’t I get my head around this?

I Love him. And I can’t leave him. I need him practically,

But it’s having a horrendous impact on my life and he never wants to do anything anymore with the kids on a Saturday. Claims he’s too tired or unwell. When questioned about alcohol usage, says that’s not fair and he’s just tired/doesn’t want to/isn’t well.

Its like he genuinely believes this.

I don’t drink any alcohol. Never smoked. So I can’t relate to how it makes you feel because I’ve never liked the taste. But I know this isn’t right

He has turned to me before and announced he needs to give it up. Turned to me again at different times and said he needs to ‘just keep to a once a week or so thing’. But it never sticks

It is what makes him happy, content, relaxed.

He is drinking either alone in the living room or maybe around me chatting. Doesn’t go out to do this

If I ask him to come and see my family, he will say ‘well you know this means I’ll have to drink Sunday too then’. If there’s anything in the diary to see his mum or anything, drinking is on the cards there too. He doesn’t see much of his friendship group anymore due to very distant lives but of course, drinking always involved there too - happens once in a blue moon, like twice a year, I have encouraged him to get out more and take it in turns. He isn’t interested

Life is really hard for him. I get it. But he can’t keep on. But if it feels so good, how do you stop?

Both of our girls are severely disabled. It’s like the alcohol is all he has besides work and relentless caring. And I get it, I do. It’s fucking awful a lot of the time.

I am friends with a few of the mums from my daughter’s special school. All are single parents with the exception of two same sex (women) couples. All of them drink! It isn’t a judgement. But yes; all of them very much like to relax with wine with what little time to themselves that they have

His drinking is affecting your life.
He doesn’t want to stop. So he won’t.
The only thing you can change is whether you put up with it.
Sorry OP. It’s shit. Al anon supports families.

Thank you. Is there such a thing as support groups for people with family who drink but they don’t at all? Because his behaviour has never made me drink or even think of it, but I wonder if there are people out there going through similar

Sometimes I feel like my emotions are being screwed with by it all. My own moral code has got so confused. I can’t even explain it, I don’t see how I can find the words

Leaving isn’t simple. It would have a very real, complicated and frightening impact on me and my DDs and that’s all factual

Al Anon is for families of alcoholics, not the alcoholics themselves (though some recovering alcoholics are also in Al Anon). You might find it really helpful, in identifying ways to stay sane while living with his behaviour. There are plenty of groups online - you can find them through the Al-Anon website.

In Al Anon you will also not get the ‘just leave him’ stuff that doesn’t recognise the complexities of your particular situation. You may find ways not to be so affected and impacted by his moods and choices.

i am sorry you’re going through this - it sounds incredibly hard.

Edited to add: Al Anon is not the same thing as Alcoholics Anonymous (which is for the alcoholics themselves). I’ve always thought they could do with a rebrand as this is really confusing for people.

I will also add that I don’t know the answer to what he must be thinking, but hasn’t said. How can he let go of the opportunity to feel that light and good, even if it’s just for a few hours?

I know the answer. The answer is a stable mood and being able to wake up thankful you aren’t hungover. But maybe that feels worth the sacrifice to him

It is just all so awful and I want to scream at my lack of options here

If he left, he wouldn’t be giving up his FT job help care for the girls. I would have eventually, as in quite soon eventually, put one into residential care.

I cannot care for both safely alone anymore 24/7 because you can’t leave the house with both. Which means he is at least always here to stay with one whilst I do something with the other one

He is also 50/50 and does an even share of caring when he isn’t working. Meaning I’d lose that too. And he is a good cleaner, and does a very good share of all housekeeping etc

You’re in a relationship with an alcoholic and you’re playing the usual roles associated with such spouses namely codependent, provoker and enabler. It matters not that he’s not drinking everyday , it’s the effects it has on you and in turn your DDs that matter. At the very least you need to contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to people affected by other people’s drinking. Alcoholism is not called the family disease for nothing, you’re all affected.

His primary relationship is with drink and his thoughts centre around where the next drink is going to come from.

What is more scary, watching him drink himself to death whilst you watch on or rebuild your lives without him in it every day?. There are no guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism. He could go onto
lose everything and everyone around him and he could stilll choose to drink afterwards.

Saying that he’s a good cleaner is a deep low in a bloody low relationship bar you have for yourself. Is he all you think you deserve?. Truly it is not and your DC deserve better too wherever they reside.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I suppose he may think, if we were gone, what’s the point at all? And then spend every single day drinking

Currently he spends 1 evening or 2 a week doing it. But of course it’s heavy. He’s told me before that he just can’t stop with a few drinks. I’ve seen him try to limit it before by buying a small bottle and then caught him at the front door with a delivery driver handing him more… because he claims he got the taste and then wanted more as it just wasn’t enough

He doesn’t recognise this is the same thing as the famous ‘I can’t just have a drink and stop. I can’t stop when I start’. It’s the same thing! But he doesn’t seem to know.

Ultimately, I have to decide if it’s a split with him and sending my DC into care placements as they both need 1-1 care, or putting up with it all so I can at least get 50/50 share of help with the caring (at home, he doesn’t much like leaving the house with them hungover), and having someone do an even share of cleaning and helping in general

This isn’t a pity party but I’ve already buried a child. The heartbreak it would cause me to live without another child, although they’re obviously alive, would break me. That’s the choice I’m having to decide on.

It is terrifying.

How much is he drinking when he has a drink? Is it a couple of glasses or is he getting blind drunk?

It could be that rather than having a hangover he just feels depressed. His actions sound like he is, but whether that’s related to alcoholism or not is unclear.

Yes, please seek support - there is a good organisation called Al-anon for family members of problematic drinkers.
They have support groups etc

He drinks a full £13.99 Jack Daniel’s (adds cola), usually in one sitting. Sometimes leaves a little bit. I’m no good with units, but I think it’s well over the whole weekly recommended. Think I checked before on the specific bottle he buys and it’s 14 units

Sometimes he will buy the massive 30+ unit one but always leaves a bit. Sometimes he will buy the 14 unit one and a few beers to go alongside

But I’d say usually it’s the 14 unit bottle on its own and he adds coke

If he's drinking that much, is he safe to leave with your children? That sounds an awful lot and surely he'll be prone to making mistakes/slip ups that might endanger the girls.

He seems also to be only drinking when he is not working.

He only drinks when they’re asleep. Never when they’re awake. He’s always reached the hangover, feeling crappy stage by the time it’s morning

I am not excusing his piss poor decisions but for me, he’s around still because he does 50/50 care when not working, cleans and tidies, and gets up early with me for the girls despite the drinking

He isn’t doing 0 and then sleeping in. I’m not painting him to be a golden charm but just to point out he isn’t entirely useless like many of these men can be

He always seems to work from home the next day if he has work, that’s for sure

But if he's drinking that much at night he won't have processed it all before the next morning - he will still have a lot of alcohol in his system. And it's clearly still affecting him because of his behaviour.

Adding Coca Cola to it is not making things more palatable . Chances are he is always on a comedown from alcohol which itself is a depressant hence his low moods. He’s likely to be self medicating with alcohol.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. Make better choices now with you and they in mind. They do not need or warrant a drunkard for a father in their lives .

I sympathise. I've just thrown dp out yet again for similar behaviour. Knocks it on the head for a bit then it always creeps up again until day drinking and/ or all day hangovers take over. When a few drinks in has a small burst of energy and may commence some small project which then gets abandoned for the next 6 months. Also starts manically planning "Tomorrow will get xyz" done whereas I know of course you fuxking won't tomorrow you will be hanging and do sweet fa! Why do u think tomorrow will be any different to any other day?! Arghh.

Yeah, I get a lot of this but thankfully nothing that gets abandoned! That would drive me insane

But he will start deep cleaning sofas, pulling out ovens to clean behind sometimes. That sort of thing. Drives me insane because it’s usually really late and I’m in no mind set to be that ‘switched on’

The problem is that alcoholism is progressive.

He might be able to function for a while like this, but his body won't cope forever (I mean, it's not coping all that well now given he's still drunk in the mornings and hitting hang-over in the afternoons) and it'll likely slide into being more days drinking and less time sober.

You might be able to go on like this for some time as a family, but you need a plan for it getting worse. Your hand may well be forced.

Has he any notion to tackling it with the help of his GP or support groups?

I think it's because they've created a psychological link between alcohol and motivation but obviously it's not what we need when it's late like you say and you're also on edge because you're dreading tomorrow and knowing you will be dealing with everything while they're a useless lump.

Pulling the oven out to clean it!. He’s really doing all that as a distraction tactic to stop you asking questions about his drinking. He does not go into work the next day precisely because he’s still on the comedown from alcohol. And how does he get to work?

It matters not either his children are asleep when he’s drinking because they see and hear all your reactions both spoken and unspoken to him. Trying to protect them from his alcohol abuse whilst you all live together is impossible.

Your own recovery from his alcohol abuse will not start until you and he are apart. You’re all affected by his alcoholism as well, it’s not called the family disease for nothing. You’re certainly affected by his drinking and so are your children.

Whats going to happen eventually is that the wheels here will come off completely and when that inevitably happens where will you be then with your kids?. Are you still
hoping that he will change ie stop drinking altogether?. That’s a forlorn hope but your hope keeps you trapped as well as your codependent nature. You are confusing love for him with codependency.

There is nothing you can do other than help your own self here. He does not want your help or support and besides which you are too close to be of any real use to him. He in turn like many alcoholics is in denial of his alcoholism. Denial is a powerful force.

Yeah that sounds like too much alcohol. He doesn’t see it as a problem so I don’t really know how you would approach. Suggest that he stays sober for all of February and hope that he sees a difference in himself. I think he probably comes under the heading ‘functioning alcoholic’ but that probably makes it harder for him to see the problem

Have you ever asked him why he feels the need to drink so much Op? He doesn't drink every day but once he starts he can't stop, he sounds like a very unhappy man if he's so much nicer when he's had a drink. If you asked him why do you think he'd be honest with you?
I'm not suggesting any of this is your fault but I've known a few men who drank too much to drown their sorrows