Feel completely trapped with someone who doesn’t want to change

[straightonaplaneagain]

And won’t address it.

I have even started drinking the cool aid of delusion, to coin a phrase. It’ll go something like this

H will appear upbeat after work. He is sober. I know what’s coming. He’s going to be drinking that night. I have feelings of anger, internal rage, sadness.

Once the drinking starts, he’s chatty, easy going and funny. So funny. Wants to have conversation with me he wouldn’t have otherwise. He’s happy and content. He might listen to some music, always watches short clip funny videos and shares them with me. He seems at peace with life and his lot.

The next morning, if it’s a work night, he will always announce he’s working from home that day. And he’s fine in the morning, still quite upbeat.

Afternoon comes. He’s low in mood. Wants to eat constant crap. Raids the fridge and cupboard. Depressed. Tired. Very tired.

Late afternoon/evening, he is dead behind the eyes. The morning after this, he’s quiet and won’t talk very much at all. Insists he’s fine.

And that’s that. The cycle is over and will start again, probably Friday night if he’s not too tired.

He does this twice a week. Meaning he’s recovering for about 3 days a week or so in total.

I can’t escape it. I feel like I myself am fooled that it’ll all be fine, and I like the man he is when he’s drinking.

What on earth has happened? Why can’t I get my head around this?

I Love him. And I can’t leave him. I need him practically,

But it’s having a horrendous impact on my life and he never wants to do anything anymore with the kids on a Saturday. Claims he’s too tired or unwell. When questioned about alcohol usage, says that’s not fair and he’s just tired/doesn’t want to/isn’t well.

Its like he genuinely believes this.

I don’t drink any alcohol. Never smoked. So I can’t relate to how it makes you feel because I’ve never liked the taste. But I know this isn’t right

He has turned to me before and announced he needs to give it up. Turned to me again at different times and said he needs to ‘just keep to a once a week or so thing’. But it never sticks

It is what makes him happy, content, relaxed.

He is drinking either alone in the living room or maybe around me chatting. Doesn’t go out to do this

If I ask him to come and see my family, he will say ‘well you know this means I’ll have to drink Sunday too then’. If there’s anything in the diary to see his mum or anything, drinking is on the cards there too. He doesn’t see much of his friendship group anymore due to very distant lives but of course, drinking always involved there too - happens once in a blue moon, like twice a year, I have encouraged him to get out more and take it in turns. He isn’t interested

Life is really hard for him. I get it. But he can’t keep on. But if it feels so good, how do you stop?

Both of our girls are severely disabled. It’s like the alcohol is all he has besides work and relentless caring. And I get it, I do. It’s fucking awful a lot of the time.

I am friends with a few of the mums from my daughter’s special school. All are single parents with the exception of two same sex (women) couples. All of them drink! It isn’t a judgement. But yes; all of them very much like to relax with wine with what little time to themselves that they have

It's so sad. He seems like a decent man who is just depressed and dependant on alcohol. Could you get him to talk to his GP? He might have a mood disorder or it is just his drinking causing it but he should speak to a specialist (a psychiatrist specialised on addictions). Life does seem hard though for both of you with two girls severely disabled. I have an autistic son and there were times when he threw fits that I couldn't have survived without some alcohol but I stopped drinking because I felt close to being an addict.

I think you are so deeply affected by his drinking you may not be able to imagine what life is like without this huge problem.
Please do read about Al anon or about alcoholism if you can't yet attend Al anon meetings.

I was with a binge drinker for 29 years. As soon as I read your post I felt immediately exhausted, as it brought back memories of life with someone who just does not want to stop drinking. We had two daughters too, and I assumed that because he wasn't a violent drunk and because he only drank on the weekends and out the shed that it wasn't affecting them. It was only once I realised he was never going to stop drinking and kicked him out.(after 29 years of putting up with it, ultimatums, crying and trying to do everything in my power to get him to stop). He is not close to his girls and they remember the times being scared when he went to work xmas parties and came home paraletic, even though i thought they didnt remember. He never wanted to go places with us. Being with a drinker effects the whole family. I thought I wouldn't be able to cope without him, that I needed him. And that's not the case. I was the responsible one during the marriage and I realised I am a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for. I can totally understand how torn you are. I felt so trapped. It's been 5 years since we separated and we're now divorced. He is still drinking.

I came across a woman on YouTube who talks about living with a drinker and other topics related to similar issues. Her name is Heidi Rain. I also found talking to others in similar situations extremely supportive. Also, seeing a counsellor who deals with drug and alcohol or just a counsellor can be so helpful. There can be trauma associated with living with a drinker as with any unhealthy situation.

I think the most important thing I learned is they have to want to stop drinking. My ex would give up for a week or a month sometimes when I gave him an ultimatum. But the cycle would always start again.

I think some posters on here are failing to understand your circumstances - and that him leaving has very real implications for your girls being able to live at home.

You are in such a hard place. And it does sound like he is understandably overwhelmed by challenging circumstances and alcohol is his outlet.

Maybe look at short term and long term solutions. Eg short term - going to al anon, properly exploring options to get other support if you were single, seeing if you can both get weekends off to go away alone or togjethrr by getting respite care

And from that hopefully a longer term option grows.