Silent treatment

[Lostinthewoods8]

I guess I'm trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable.

My DP and I haven't spoken since Wednesday, back story is for the last week and a half, he's been keeping me awake using his phone, I've bitten my tounge but mentioned that it's disturbing me. Wednesday was just a horrendous day at work, and had said I was just looking forward to seeing him and getting an early night.

Anyway I came home he was asleep until 7.30 pm, he then got into the bath until 9pm, fine whatever. But then came upstairs was faffing around, finished watching his sports on the iPad, again fine I was awake. Waited patiently for us to be able to just chat and watch something. But no he instantly just picks up his phone to play game's. This point I guess I snapped and just said I was going to sleep downstairs. He was keeping me awake, when I tried to explain why I was annoyed, he just mocked me.

I'm tired, I felt completely ignored. The only message he has sent is saying "all of this over me being on my phone" maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I don't care about him being on his phone, it's just feeling second best to it and him disturbing me.

He is an absolute wanker. And I say this as someone who stays up late while my poor dh wears an eye mask so my reading light doesn’t bother him.

The issue is that you were hoping for some emotional intimacy and he was not attuned to—or interested in—that. When you said you would go downstairs and sleep separately that was what they call a “bid for connection “ snd his chance to put the phone down snd give you some comfort. Instead he became hostile and turned it into a further cause of estrangement.

Take a gard look at this man and ask what he brings to the relationship? Sny man who prefers gaming on his phone to snuggling eith his gf isn’t worth much. Have high expectations! If he doesn’t rise to meet them then bin him.

The biggest issue is, I can't speak to him about it, because it will just be me causing an issue. I don't usually ask for much from him, intimacy wise, I'm quite laid back and not overly needy, it was just this particular day I just needed to have a bit of a chat and a cuddle.

We rarely see much of each other anyway, he's usually asleep until 7/8pm despite finishing work at 2.30 pm and then I go to bed fairly early, as I have an extremely full on job, then after walking dog's, kids clubs, dinner, I'm pretty wiped out

When you say he mocked you, I presume you mean he was mimicking and ridiculing you. This is not how adults behave in a respectful and healthy relationship. That's how 8 year olds behave in the playground. Not surprised you are upset OP. You should be able to compromise and discuss things in a friendly adult manner.

Well that's one of the main reasons I went downstairs as I know it would have ended up in a circular back and forth about how it's me being ridiculous. Basically laughed about the fact he was keeping me awake, then made some snarky comment about how " what does hanging out together mean, going to sleep" basically having a dig that I go to bed early. And then shouted through the door as I was leaving, " oh this is because I didn't cuddle you back" then some other stuff but I didn't hear him.

I would think that he is abusive towards you in other ways too and this has crept up on you unawares over time. Abuse like this is indeed insidious in its onset.

The silent treatment he metes out to you is "punishment" for some transgression you have committed, either real or imaginary (more likely this) in his head. This is emotionally abusive behaviour towards you no two ways about it. Sleep deprivation is a real thing and he is deliberately keeping you awake. He knows what he is doing to you here and he does not care; he just wants to win.

What is the situation re the finances and property?. Are these children his?. Make no mistake they will be affected by all this from him too because they see your reactions both spoken and unspoken to him.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Ultimately you are going to have to leave this man. Would you be willing to contact Womens Aid?.

Are they his ddogs /his dc? He sounds like a man without any responsibilities...
Ltb and don't look back..
He sounds like my exh. I still remember the day a few months in he mocked me for initiating sex and he snubbed me and laughed.. Wish to hell I had ltb then.

And why on earth would you think you re being unreasonable here?. HE is the unreasonable one here, not you and he's not above using DARVO on you either. DARVO is deny, attack, reverse victim, offender and its a tactic often employed by abusive people.

Your boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by poor life experience and or previous abusive relationships, are being further done in by him now.

My property, he has his children every other weekend that stay with him, he stays here in the week when he hasn't got them. No financial tie, as in he doesn't contribute. Children are not his.

Would be a clean break in that regards. I think he is, I wouldn't say it's all the time, but definitely can be, as in Christmas he ignored me when we left, would normally get up give me a hug and kiss and say goodbye, but apparently I had a stroppy face that day and what was my problem.

I hadn't I had been talking to his family and him, I did have a migraine, but made the effort to be polite and chatty. It's hard because it can be lovely for periods of time, and then other times he's just constantly moaning or critical

One dog is shared the other two are mine, but he doesn't like them so doesn't help with them, as in if he's up first won't let them out or anything. So I get up to do it.

Get rid of him.

Get rid, he’s an arse.

He is an arsehole and he doesnt care about you. Be confident you are doing the right thing by calling it a day on the relationship.

does he own his own home where he has his children?

he just mocked me. I'm tired, I felt completely ignored.
He absolutely doesn't give a shit.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Make the break sooner rather than later from him before he really does make you become a shadow of your former self.

What is yours is yours and what is his is his. Sounds also like he's treating your home also as his crash pad when he does not have his children around. I think his ex wife left him for similar behaviour as to what you are describing with him now, he has not changed. Such men too hate women, ALL of them.

Abusers are not nasty all the time because if they were no-one would want to be with them. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse which he has shown you here is a continuous one.

This bears repeating!

Look, OP, you give good reasons why, logically, there is no point bringing things up to him for discussion and why you went more or less silently downstairs. He mocks you, belittles you, demeans you, argues that your needs and wants are “too much” or an inconvenience. But these just aren’t good excuses for his behavior—they are just descriptions of his abusive treatment of you and of how you, in a misguided attempt to shrink to fit, have tried to avoid “being needy” by pretending to be “easy going.”

Did you come from an alcoholic or abandoning family? Are other siblings or your parents high needs so you learned not to ask for much? Are you the scapegoat, forgotten child, or utility child in your own family? Where did you learn to accept such abysmal treatment?

As @AttilaTheMeerkat says: how can we help you leave this situation?

"One dog is shared the other two are mine, but he doesn't like them so doesn't help with them, as in if he's up first won't let them out or anything. So I get up to do it"

Such weaponised incompetence from him is also deliberate in intent. If he is up first what is His Lordship actually doing?. Does he treat the shared dog any better?.

The lazy shit cannot even be bothered to look after these animals properly either and deliberately leaves it to you. Why is he still in your home apparently tolerating these two dogs if he does not like them?. It is because he has a cushy life with you.

No he doesn't treat the shared one any better, he dislikes them all equally, and therefore doesn't help with them. He will get up as late as possible get ready and leave, he has said previously he would like to get up earlier and have a coffee in the morning with me, but this never materialise.

I don't really remember much of my childhood, I think a lot has been blocked out due to trauma. My mum wasn't around much she was at uni so we were picked up and looked after by other people. My dad worked but usually in London. I guess we were left to our own devices a lot at weekends and stuff.

He has checked out.. If he was ever anything but using you as a place to rest his head... And dick I assume.... Urgh fucking grim anyone who won't let a ddog out first thing for a wee. Even my grumpy dc do that for ours!
Change the locks if he has a key. Text him his stuff is in the garden. Lock the door. Leave the key in for now. Close the curtains.. If he gets abusive ring the police. He has no rights to be inside..

You are in a relationship with an abuser. Have a read of this book and you will find him in there.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t love any woman and never will. He sees women as a thing to control because it benefits him. It’s not you. It would be the same with any woman. It’s great that you have your own homes and don’t share children.

I would wait until he leaves to go back to his for his child contact then message him to say the relationship is over and not to come back to your home. Then call the police and tell them that you have just split up with your abusive boyfriend and ask them to put a tag on your address so that if he comes over they will come out as a matter of priority. If he has a key, have the locks changed before he has the chance to come back and try to gain entry to the home. Arrange a day/time for a friend or family member to collect any of his stuff.

Then block him. And if he turns up at your property, do not answer the door and call the police. Leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerously time for a woman and abuse can escalate as the abuser loses control. I say this not to scare you but to inform you so you can take appropriate steps to keep safe.

Ok well: resolve to do better for yourself! Be the protective parent for yourself you wish you had had. Throw him out. Have higher expectations than this grudging, sulky, bastard.

Your childhood has played a large part in you being with this man now because he’s not bothered about you. He’s abusive and will further go onto abuse you particularly if you cannot find the courage that is still within you to boot him out. You know his treatment of you is wrong.

Both your parents were not bothered, let alone being at all around for you and you were looked after by other people. I am not surprised at all to read of you suffering with trauma either, this would have happened to anyone in your situation. Have you ever addressed this in therapy?.

I don't think he would cause a fuss as in police being called, he would either try to emotionally guilt me. Or he would walk away like he doesn't give a crap and why would he care " if I don't want to be with him then why would he care" is his general attitude.

He would want to portray the good guy, I'm close with his family.

Also, once fee of this man, consider doing the freedom programme so you can learn how to spot red flags and abusive behaviours in the future and not fall into another abusive relationship. It might be worth also doing some self reflection or work with a counsellor to try and understand what has attracted you to a man like this and why you’ve allowed him to come into your home, contribute nothing, make your life harder and disrespect you for so long. I don’t say that to make you feel bad or blame you for any of his abusive behaviour because it’s not your fault how he has behaved and any abuse if unacceptable. But understanding why you’ve accepted this for so long will be valuable for you going forward and help you to heal any issues that might come up for you. These men usually see something in their victims that they can manipulate. Understanding your own potential blind spots, working in self esteem and boundary setting might be useful for you. Best of luck op. I hope you get rid of him asap. Speak to women’s aid if you need support to do so.

Before I met him I was in counselling, to work through thing's from me previous relationship, with my children's dad, I was single for around 5 year's working on myself before I met my now partner.

I don't think I could afford to go to therapy now. It's so expensive. Although I think it would be beneficial. I'd say through actions my parents very much favour my sister and treat her much differently now we are adults

I can’t bear petty. This reason alone is enough to bin him!

he’s staying in your home ffs, the LEAST he can do is let your dogs out if he’s up!!

I think it was the typical he wasn't like this when met, he is also extremely loving and caring at points, when I've been in hospital etc he's been by my side the whole time, but sometimes I wonder if that's more of a front to his family.

I'm not sure why, a lot of the time I'm blamed for how things are, me being sensitive or something along those lines. I genuinely am probably too laid back and too nice. I find it hard because I don't have conflict with my friends, but always feel maybe it's my fault things are they way there are in my relationship