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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Silent treatment

34 replies

Lostinthewoods8 · 01/02/2025 15:09

I guess I'm trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable.

My DP and I haven't spoken since Wednesday, back story is for the last week and a half, he's been keeping me awake using his phone, I've bitten my tounge but mentioned that it's disturbing me. Wednesday was just a horrendous day at work, and had said I was just looking forward to seeing him and getting an early night.

Anyway I came home he was asleep until 7.30 pm, he then got into the bath until 9pm, fine whatever. But then came upstairs was faffing around, finished watching his sports on the iPad, again fine I was awake. Waited patiently for us to be able to just chat and watch something. But no he instantly just picks up his phone to play game's. This point I guess I snapped and just said I was going to sleep downstairs. He was keeping me awake, when I tried to explain why I was annoyed, he just mocked me.

I'm tired, I felt completely ignored. The only message he has sent is saying "all of this over me being on my phone" maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I don't care about him being on his phone, it's just feeling second best to it and him disturbing me.

OP posts:

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 01/02/2025 16:26

Do yourself a massive favour and end this 'relationship'. You don't seem to be getting anything out of it other than a man with a shitty attitude, who is taking you and your home for granted. You deserve better, you know you do x

pikkumyy77 · 01/02/2025 16:35

Take a look at Pete Walker’s book Complex PTSD:From surviving to thriving. He has some really interesting chapters that might help you understand your ‘niceness’ and ‘easy going’ style as a form of trauma response—a kind of freeze/fawn shrinking behavior that seemingly gets you good treatment some of the time. Your cruel childhood and abusive ex have conditioned you to expect good treatment only sporadically, if at all, so you have overvalued gestures like his being beside you at the hospital and under-responded to his nightly private abuse to you. In reality you deserve good treatment ALL the time, not just in public, when his family sees it, or when it is convenient fof him or he is in a good mood.

DorothyStorm · 01/02/2025 16:36

you are not close to his family. They are nice to you because you are dating their son. Once you end this madness you wont see them again. It therefore doesnt matter how he portrays you to them. It is not your concern.

time I'm blamed for how things are, me being sensitive
you call him out on shitty behaviour but he won't accept that.

I genuinely am probably too laid back and too nice
People who are being walked all over often say they are too nice. It isnt true. You can be really nice with good boundaries. What you are is a walkover with low expectations.

IsThePopeCatholic · 01/02/2025 16:42

He is showing contempt towards you. Get rid of this nasty piece of work.

FinallyHere · 01/02/2025 18:46

He was keeping me awake, when I tried to explain why I was annoyed, he just mocked me.

Sorry you are going through this.

Please read what you have written here again, stop doubting yourself and work out what you are going to do about this intolerable situation.

Silent treatment is necer a situation acceptable between two adults. If you share a bed with someone, make it someone who cares about your comfort and well being.

Now I've read further and seen that he is behaving like this as a guest in your house, so you don't have to put up with this for another minute. Do yourself a favour and get him out of your life.

And yes, do have a look at the freedom programme. Look after yourself and enjoy your life free of him.

TipsyJoker · 01/02/2025 20:09

Lostinthewoods8 · 01/02/2025 16:22

Before I met him I was in counselling, to work through thing's from me previous relationship, with my children's dad, I was single for around 5 year's working on myself before I met my now partner.

I don't think I could afford to go to therapy now. It's so expensive. Although I think it would be beneficial. I'd say through actions my parents very much favour my sister and treat her much differently now we are adults

You might be able to afford some sessions when you’re not cover the expenses of the cocklodger that’s slinging off you all week, every week. And if not, def do the freedom programme because it is very helpful. It sounds as if this is t your first abusive relationship and the freedom programme will address that subject matter directly.

TipsyJoker · 01/02/2025 20:16

Lostinthewoods8 · 01/02/2025 16:25

I think it was the typical he wasn't like this when met, he is also extremely loving and caring at points, when I've been in hospital etc he's been by my side the whole time, but sometimes I wonder if that's more of a front to his family.

I'm not sure why, a lot of the time I'm blamed for how things are, me being sensitive or something along those lines. I genuinely am probably too laid back and too nice. I find it hard because I don't have conflict with my friends, but always feel maybe it's my fault things are they way there are in my relationship

This is gaslighting and it’s designed to make you question yourself and your version of reality. It’s also meant to chip away at your self esteem and self worth by making you the problem. Abusive men are never always abusive. Read up on the cycle of abuse. They also love bomb their victims in the beginning of relationships to suck them in and then over time they slowly show their true colours, by which time the woman is invested and attached. Please read that book I linked previously. It will help you to see how these men behave, the tactics they use to control their victims and why they do it. It’s free and it’s very enlightening. I left an abusive relationship myself and I understand how difficult it is but knowledge is power and the book was one that really helped me before I left. You can read it on your phone so he won’t know. Keep in touch and let us know how you’re doing. We are all here for you.

ShushImTalking · 01/02/2025 20:22

He's a nasty piece of work. LTB ASAP.

Farmwifefarmlife · 01/02/2025 20:27

Lostinthewoods8 · 01/02/2025 15:23

The biggest issue is, I can't speak to him about it, because it will just be me causing an issue. I don't usually ask for much from him, intimacy wise, I'm quite laid back and not overly needy, it was just this particular day I just needed to have a bit of a chat and a cuddle.

We rarely see much of each other anyway, he's usually asleep until 7/8pm despite finishing work at 2.30 pm and then I go to bed fairly early, as I have an extremely full on job, then after walking dog's, kids clubs, dinner, I'm pretty wiped out

he finishes work at 2.30 pm what time does he start? Why is he asleep in the afternoon/ early evening?

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