Stupid mistakes of the past coming back to haunt me

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I'm in my 40's now but way back when I was in my early 20's me and DH split up for a few months over something stupid back when we had only been dating for about a year or so. During that time I bumped into on a night out a friend of his brothers and we started seeing each other quietly, it was purely sex and nothing more for me anyway, he may have had a bit of a crush for a while prior as it was him that did all the chasing. It was a bit messy, not my style at all and I ended it after a couple of months. Then a few months again after that I got back together with my ex who is now my DH of many years. I swore his friend to secrecy and have generally avoided him for many years as much as possible.

These days its getting much harder to avoid him, we all live in the same neighbourhood, and my husband, his brother, my SIL and his friend and his wife always want to socialise together, he's often at my house to see my husband or watch sports and there is a horrible tension between us which he seems to enjoy. He always makes little comments to me when we are out of ear shot and I just want to forget the whole thing. Its my policy just never to engage with him on this at all, obviously I will have to talk to him in the wider context of socialising but when he makes these comments I just blank him and I still try to avoid him if I can.

I am happily married and I think he is as well. Honestly it was the dumbest thing I ever done but then I thought I'd never see him again after a brief affair and out of all the guys they hung around with all those years ago he's the only one who is still around and in our lives. I don't really want to have to come clean and tell my DH everything, it will only upset him and its all so long ago so I just need to suck it up.

Let it be a lesson to everyone to mind who you have your fun with, they could still be hanging around like a bad smell years later.

@Flatbellyfella I agree it would not be good and we are so happy together, he is the only man I've ever loved and I still love him so much. I will keep your other suggestion under consideration.

It was 20 years ago and you were single. I can’t understand why this would be an issue for either you or your husband now.

I get your embarrassment but he’s weaponising your embarrassment against you and that needs to stop. You need to preempt his pathetic behaviour by telling your H because if you don’t, at best he will continue and at worst he could spin your silence to his advantage.

Think about it, this creepy fuck is making you squirm in plain sight, he wouldn’t do it if he didn’t get a kick out of it. The only person being protected by your silence is this guy.

He's a creep. Tell him to get to fuck.

This vile creep is basically black mailing you. You need to do something or you'll be a nervous wreck. Don't tell your DH, it's too late for that and it's a bad idea. This bloke maybe thinks he's being funny - sharing a "little secret" with you. Or, he just enjoys the power. You need to put him straight and intimate that his wife might be just as interested in the little secret as your DH. Fight fire with fire whilst being as cool as a cucumber.

Was this friend dating his current wife when this happened or did he meet her later?

Please don't continue to be at the mercy of this absolute piece of shit. Next time he has a sly dig, tell him to either fuck up or go and repeat it to your husband and his wife, or you will.

I don't know about your husband, but I know mine would be more upset about some creepy cunt taunting me, than he would about the fact that I'd shagged the aforementioned creepy cunt 20+ years ago.

Any secret that results in some horrible little shitstain of a 'man' having a hold over you isn't worth keeping.

In that case I think you have to unless you can get rid of him? I mean he is in your house for god sake

I agree, play it cool but take back your power from this loser

Of course this knob head doesn't want anyone knowing you had sex. But he's enjoying that he's making you feel uncomfortable. You need to put a stop to that. I would hope your husband's main feeling would be anger at this twat making you feel shit than a teenage shag decades ago. He has no right to be annoyed you had sex but every right to be annoyed he's hosted this dickhead who's basically threatening his wife.

I’m sure your DH had a fling or two when you were split up. He may already know about yours. If the opportunity came up to joke about it I would probably do that - ‘remember when you and I were split up? I had a bit of a fling with creepy Dave - I must have been off my noodle’.

He didn't meet her till later but she is very jealous of him and has causes scenes before over him even talking to his ex's. I know they sound awful but she is actually ok but a bit confrontational when she gets a drink in her. I personally don't drink and would probably prefer to no see them so often.

If you were never going to see this guy around again, it makes sense not to mention it to your DH.

However with this man being the way he is, and being around your social life as he is, it'll look 100 times worse than it is (which it actually isn't!) if someone else tells your DH before you do.

I really agree with this.
Do not allow your husband or yourself guilt you for a minute.

Fxxk that shit. You were not together. The end.
You did nothing wrong. Stop behaving as if you are guilty when you are not.

Tell your husband this creepy mistake of 20 years ago makes your skin crawl and you don't want to be around him.
Spell it out.

THEN tell your husband you are now prepared to blow it up for the creep with his wife.

He's sleazing and sniffing around you, and getting a kick out of it.
Shut him down permanently and let his sleazing blow up in his face.

I dont remember that.
That's all you need to say and re-iterate it. You need to blow the wind out of his sails.

Next time he makes a comment don't ignore it. Just say enough, this stops here. He's enjoying having power over you so take it back.

Edited to add that if his gf is jealous then she may notice one of these incidences and it could blow up. She might misinterpret it as something going on between you now and that will make it harder for your poor DH if you have to tell him about your history. It could be catastrophic for your relationship if he thinks you have been lying to him. Stop it now. Tell him to f off.

I don't know about your husband, but I know mine would be more upset about some creepy cunt taunting me, than he would about the fact that I'd shagged the aforementioned creepy cunt 20+ years ago.

agree with this. I think I’d have to tell him that creepy Dave has been making me feel really uncomfortable by making digs about the fact that i stupidly shagged him when You and i weren’t together. Say That it’s really upsetting you as you’d wanted to forget it ever happened but you couldn’t have known he’d end up hanging around like a bad smell and taunting you so you’ve had to tell your h even though you know it wasn’t necessary as you were on a break and creepy Dave was just a misjudged fling. Put the emphasis on him for being creepy and disrespectful now, not on you confessing to what happened then. You’ve done nothing wrong, although it may take your H a little while to accept that. You’ve had years to come to terms with it, and he may feel like you should have told him sooner - the only reason you’re telling him now is because of creepy Dave’s current behaviour.

Surely you'd remember sleeping with someone?