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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stupid mistakes of the past coming back to haunt me

43 replies

arrowplant · 01/02/2025 14:47

I'm in my 40's now but way back when I was in my early 20's me and DH split up for a few months over something stupid back when we had only been dating for about a year or so. During that time I bumped into on a night out a friend of his brothers and we started seeing each other quietly, it was purely sex and nothing more for me anyway, he may have had a bit of a crush for a while prior as it was him that did all the chasing. It was a bit messy, not my style at all and I ended it after a couple of months. Then a few months again after that I got back together with my ex who is now my DH of many years. I swore his friend to secrecy and have generally avoided him for many years as much as possible.

These days its getting much harder to avoid him, we all live in the same neighbourhood, and my husband, his brother, my SIL and his friend and his wife always want to socialise together, he's often at my house to see my husband or watch sports and there is a horrible tension between us which he seems to enjoy. He always makes little comments to me when we are out of ear shot and I just want to forget the whole thing. Its my policy just never to engage with him on this at all, obviously I will have to talk to him in the wider context of socialising but when he makes these comments I just blank him and I still try to avoid him if I can.

I am happily married and I think he is as well. Honestly it was the dumbest thing I ever done but then I thought I'd never see him again after a brief affair and out of all the guys they hung around with all those years ago he's the only one who is still around and in our lives. I don't really want to have to come clean and tell my DH everything, it will only upset him and its all so long ago so I just need to suck it up.

Let it be a lesson to everyone to mind who you have your fun with, they could still be hanging around like a bad smell years later.

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 01/02/2025 14:53

If the truth comes out somehow then it does. You cannot stop that.

Only issue is dh will be annoyed you did not say anything and allowed the friend to hang around.

You might think you know dh, but this sort of thing can have the ‘our whole life was a lie’ affect and cause rifts. It could shatter his happiness. Also, don’t underestimate the humiliation factor and everyone knew but me feelings.

TipsyJoker · 01/02/2025 14:53

Tell your husband. You weren’t together. You did nothing wrong. This will eventually come out as this guy is enjoying having the power over you. Don’t allow that. At least if it comes from you your husband can say you told him and were honest about it. Explain to him that you regret it and wanted to forget it and move on and that’s why you didn’t say anything before. Take control of this. This other man is emotionally abusing you and your husband needs to know who this guy is. This guy could end up telling him when you’re not there too. Get in first and be honest. If you don’t, you’ll come off worse. If your husband is upset, allow him to talk openly about it and suggest marriage counselling if he’s struggling with it. He shouldn’t be because you weren’t together and allowed to do what you like. We’ve all make stupid mistakes with people we regret. I bet your husband has too.

SunshineAndFizz · 01/02/2025 14:54

I have a similar situation with someone who now has a DC in my daughter's class.

Don't confess, it'll only make a huge drama out of it. Just ignore him as much as possible and pretend it didn't happen.

TipsyJoker · 01/02/2025 14:56

We all have a past. Marriage is build on the foundation of honesty. Tell your husband before someone else does.

Original poster
arrowplant · 01/02/2025 15:04

Thanks everyone, I just don't know if telling him is the best thing, I feel like if it were me and it was nothing then I'd rather not know and by telling him I'd only be trying to make things better for myself. The confounding factor though is his continued presence in our life and his current behaviour.

OP posts:
festivemouse · 01/02/2025 15:05

Honestly I think you should tell your husband - especially as he's often at your house socialising with your husband and seems to be holding it over you! It might not be pretty, but it's got to be better than your husband being blindsided if one of these comments gets overheard at some point.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 01/02/2025 15:07

Did your husband also have flings while you were separated?

Original poster
arrowplant · 01/02/2025 15:08

@festivemouse I feel like he seems to imagine there is still some frisson between us, which there is not. I think in his head its all a bit of fun but I hate it. Like I say I prefer to just keep quiet on the whole thing, could I perhaps speak to him, tell him how awful I find it and tell him to quit it. I actually don't think he'd want his wife to know either, he has certainly never told her because if he had it would have come out.

OP posts:
AgnesX · 01/02/2025 15:09

It's history, tell this guy so and that he needs to move on (play cool to this idiot). As far your DH is concerned you weren't together, it wasn't serious, it's history and all you should have to be worried about is potential embarrassment.

Original poster
arrowplant · 01/02/2025 15:15

@AgnesX This may be my best first move, I even think their is a slight chance he'd shit himself if I flashed my anger at him.

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 01/02/2025 15:17

You've done nothing wrong, you were single.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 01/02/2025 15:19

If I were your husband I'd be annoyed if you were now having private conversations with this creep. I would prefer you to tell me so that we could both speak to him.

Original poster
arrowplant · 01/02/2025 15:27

@MounjaroOnMyMind Well I wasn't planning on meeting up with him for a tete a tete but just to let him know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wasn't enjoying is attention but I do see your point.

OP posts:
Janetfrommarketing · 01/02/2025 16:01

I’m always so surprised when things like this pop up. I cannot remember 20 years ago 🤣

category12 · 01/02/2025 16:05

I think the time to have told your DH was many years ago - now it would just seem questionable.

Do not go out of your way to speak to this man privately even if it's to tell him to back off. Obviously if he makes comments when he gets the opportunity, tell him to stop in no uncertain terms then.

Hillrunning · 01/02/2025 16:06

Can you give us an example of these comments? The only things I can think of make him an utter creep.

HaroldMeaker · 01/02/2025 16:10

I would feign total nonchalance with this idiot. And I would not breathe a word to my husband.

pikkumyy77 · 01/02/2025 16:11

arrowplant · 01/02/2025 15:04

Thanks everyone, I just don't know if telling him is the best thing, I feel like if it were me and it was nothing then I'd rather not know and by telling him I'd only be trying to make things better for myself. The confounding factor though is his continued presence in our life and his current behaviour.

But it is nothing except that this guy is essentially making it feel like extortion on a day to day basis.

I would say keep it to yourself but this ex lover is absolutely spoiling to drop it into the social situation. I think you should tell your DH proactively and reduce its impact.

”Darling I never told you this because it happened while we were broken up and I quickly realized it was a horrible mistake. I broke up eith him right away and really just never thought it would matter as X was’nt part of our lives. But now that he is insisting on socializing with us I realize that the relationship was even more of a mistake than I thought. I don’t want this old mistake to affect us now. Can we stop seeing them so much?”

ManchesterGirl2 · 01/02/2025 16:22

I don't understand why it needed to be hushed up, you were broken up at the time. You did nothing wrong.

Original poster
arrowplant · 01/02/2025 16:23

@pikkumyy77 I don't think he is planning to tell everyone, I really don't think his wife would be too thrilled to be honest. However there is a risk he says something one time and someone else hears I suppose. I sometimes think its just how he deals with his own inner tension over things. I just wish he would stop involving me in that.

OP posts:
Original poster
arrowplant · 01/02/2025 16:25

@ManchesterGirl2 We were but I don't think my DH would have been thrilled to know I'd been sleeping with his brothers friend, we were getting back together after a break up, it felt a bit fragile at the time and so I hushed it up. Probably shouldn't have but I did and I can't go back and undo that.

OP posts:
Original poster
arrowplant · 01/02/2025 16:29

Janetfrommarketing · 01/02/2025 16:01

I’m always so surprised when things like this pop up. I cannot remember 20 years ago 🤣

I seem to have a very clear memory of everything that ever happened eve, almost. My husband doesn't remember what happened last week. This other man seems to remember a lot as well as at Christmas he was talking about something I did years ago (before my split and our fling) that I had totally forgotten about which surprised me as I say I normally remember everything, I wish I didn't!

OP posts:
Original poster
arrowplant · 01/02/2025 16:29

@category12 Yes I agree with you.

OP posts:
Original poster
arrowplant · 01/02/2025 16:30

Hillrunning · 01/02/2025 16:06

Can you give us an example of these comments? The only things I can think of make him an utter creep.

An example I would give you would only confirm your suspicion, there is a reason he failed to hold my interest.

OP posts:
Flatbellyfella · 01/02/2025 16:37

Do not tell your husband anything, it may destroy him. you could tell the other guy he is guilty of harassment towards you & that is an offence.

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