I feel like I’m losing my relationship with my daughter.

[TheBramley]

I don’t think my daughter is coming back from university for Easter. She’s not told me yet but she’s invited her sister to stay for the two week school holiday and there is a general avoidance of the subject. We were so close until September and I was so excited when she came home for Christmas but then she was hardly ever home or if she was she was in her room with the door shut playing music. We live in the middle of nowhere and the last bus home is 7pm. She’s having a blast at uni and I can totally understand that she’s so happy to have found her tribe, so I get it, I really do. But we’re down to me initiating every text conversation and they’re getting further apart and she’s always the one that ends them now. She face times her sister daily.

We were so close and now I feel like a needy teenager chasing a disinterested boy and seem have totally forgotten how to be around her ‘normally’ iyswim. I’m over thinking everything and I know for a fact I’d find me annoying if she knew just how much I miss her. It’s been a week since we communicated at all and I’m not sure how it works now. I’m simultaneously scared stiff of pushing her away by being needy and not attentive enough.

I was going to try and address it at Easter but it looks like she’s staying put and she’s already said that as she’s paying rent on her new place from July she will probably get a job over the summer. I thought when she first went that it was only a few weeks each time but now it looks like I might only get the odd weekend and I’m struggling all over again with letting go.

This is normal OP. When I was at uni and, after uni, working in London in my early 20s, I rarely phoned or visited my parents. It was just a time in my life when other things seemed more important! I can imagine it hurts. But it means you have done a good job as a parent and she is ready to be independent. I am really close to my mum again now.

Same here OP with DS, he has already told us he won't be back till the summer and plans to spend reading week and Easter in London where he is at Uni. It's good though isn't it? Far better than having them hate it and want to leave.

I don't think it means we can't be close in the future, it's just cutting the apron strings. An important part of growing up and becoming independent.

It’s all part of the process of breaking away and growing up. She’ll come back when she’s ready, let her be.

It’s just a stage, I rarely went home when I was at university & in my early 20s…

Count your blessings - you’ve had a good relationship previously & her family bonds with her sister are strong. And she’s happy & having a blast!

It's normal. Maybe you could offer to go to her and take her for lunch or a bit of shopping.

As I'm older I can see I did this to my mum when I went to uni. It was never intentional I was just having a really good time. I can now see my mum would have been sad but I was young and carefree enjoying my life. It's not meant to hurt you op she'll grow up and come back 😊

Ask if you can visit for a night and take her out for dinner. Bond on her terms doing things she loves.

WhatsApp them both, say how lovely. Offer to drive sister up with a boot full of food and goodies, together with a gift card for local coffee shop, pizza place etc. Big hugs, wave cheerily goodbye and go on holiday/arrange big house jobs. Perfect break for all!

Yeah, I agree with going and seeing her on her new turf instead. Just a night, feed her and take her shopping.

I understand, OP. I'm in a similar position with my daughter but then I remember how, when I was 21, I moved from one part of the country to another and didn't tell my parents for another month! They didn't even know I was considering moving.

You can choose what you want to see in this.

You feel you are losing her. An alterview viewpoint would be that she's happy, settled, confident and independent and has a great relationship with her sister.

My family home is very rural and I remember going home during uni holidays as a very difficult and frustrating time. I had a boyfriend with a car who would pick me up which kept me sane, but if it weren't for that I might have done the same as your daughter. I felt very obligated to be at home though, and did it mostly through a sense of duty.

My parents never have appreciated how awful I find it to be so physically isolated in the country. They love it and can't imagine anything better. They also don't really like going out and doing things, preferring the peace of being at home reading newspapers and watching tv, so I find them pretty boring to be with which also doesn't help. They have limited conversation and aren't really used to interacting with people. It's all very strained and hard work, with me putting in most of the effort. I imagine they would hold similar perspectives to your post, lamenting the loss of forced closeness but not really considering their part in that and blaming me for how they feel.

Perhaps see if your daughter would like a small break with you somewhere where there are things to do and to give the interaction some purpose and conversation starters.

This is so sad to read op. There must be some back story, yes they go to uni and things change but not to this extent. Are you still with her df, is there a step df in the picture?

When she was home last time and clearly was distant did you talk to her and ask her what was going on?

People saying it is normal, it isn't ime. All I can suggest is message her and suggest goiing to see her and take her shopping or for a meal out.

Even if she doesn't initiate contact just keep on doing it yourself. Every week just a bright and breezy 'hi how's things what have you been up to'.

Good luck.

This is what happens when kids grow up OP. She's a brand new adult getting her first taste of freedom, with a whole bunch of new exciting people.

Teenagers and young adults have an actual biological need to push away their parents. It's hardwired. And yes it makes a rough couple of years for the parents.

But it passes, and for the vast majority of people that relationship comes back.

But for now, try to be happy that she's happy, and spreading her wings. The alternative wouldn't be better.

This would not bother me at all. I was traveling around the world, living in different cities and living my life to the full. I hardly visited home for 10 years and if my DC wanted to do the same I would support them 100%.

Yet she facetimes her sister daily so clearly not so busy having fun.

Contact reduces but not to this extreme.

still very much with her Dad, happy childhood. She’s discovered pubs and clubs and, weirdly, karaoke. I fully get that she’s having a wonderful time - I’m chuffed to bits about that. I just don’t know how to stop feeling so sad that we don’t chat all the time anymore. We laughed a lot. Now I feel like a bit of a gooseberry in her new life and have forgotten how to be ‘normal’. I’d never, ever let her see how sad I am, but I’m bored of myself finding my face leaking. And I wish she wanted to come home for a roast dinner and a film, which I’d assumed would always be a draw, but my formally rather nerdy kid now has bright red talon nails and has discovered cocktails! I just was so looking forward to Easter. Bah! Face is leaking again.

💔 you’re a great mum and have so much love for her. The crying is normal I think but be kind to yourself - book something nice for yourself maybe even a mini break (I do think she could have come home for at least a weekend since you are close) but that’s not to be 💐

You aren't losing your relationship with her, the relationship you have is changing.
I think this is normal and shows that you have done a great job of parenting a child who is now a happy, secure & independent adult - which is no mean feat in today's world. Be proud of yourself and of her.

Whatever you do, don't guilt trip her. I grew up in a rural area and didn't go home after University because there were no opportunities for me there. My parents still guilt trip me about that years later and it is getting worse as they get older!
Develop your own life and interests and show her that you aren't sitting at home waiting for her return. Keep up a breezy, chatty dialogue via WhatsApp and express how proud you are of her.

If you make her feel bad about the new life she is living she will stay away & keep contact to a minimum to avoid those feelings of guilt - I know I definitely did hat with my parents when I was younger.

You will develop a different relationship with her over time. She's enjoying her life now & spreading her wings & has the slightly selfish arrogance of youth. But everything changes and goes in phases.
Xx

So go see her instead.

I'd be booking a Premier Inn and going to visit her. Get her to take you out and show you around, check what's on at the theatre and ask for dates that suit her availability or take her out for a nice non students meal.

I really do sympathise, op. I honestly wouldn’t ‘address’ anything, though. It’s just going to make a big deal of something which is a natural process. She suddenly has a whole other life, as well as her family life, which parents aren’t really part of. Siblings are naturally going to fit in more easily with student life. Parents become ‘wallpaper’ to a great extent!

At the moment, she is coming to terms with balancing both, and the novelty and excitement of forging new friendships and having new experiences is outweighing the pull of her familiar, comfortable family life at the moment. She still wants and needs you to be there, but in the background, getting on with your own life. The worst thing you could do is to indicate that your happiness is dependent on her continuing to relate to you in a certain way.

Suggest a meal out at Easter for the two of you, maybe, not to ‘address’ anything, but to catch up with her news, and to tell her what you’re up to. Ask how the course is going, what the lecturers are like, what the night life is like, is she enjoying herself….Be interested in her new life, it’s exciting! It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want a close relationship with you. She’s already secure in that, it’s just having to take a bit of a back seat while she’s experimenting with the complexities of growing up away from home. It’s still early days. When the novelty wears off, the closeness between you will still be there, I’m sure!

This is normal behaviour I think. I would always count down the days to getting back to uni every time I came home for the holidays and I loved and still love my mum so much. I just relished in my new found independence and found it hard to go back to living with my parents. My mum and I remained very close though and 10 years later I've moved counties to be back home and 5 minutes from her.
Please don't think this is how it will always be. ❤️

Thanks all. I know it’s normal. Kinda liked my apron strings though.