My DH and my SEN child

[turbonerd]

I’m putting this here, because it does impact on our relationship.
My DH and I have been together around 10 yrs, married for almost 7.
We have no joint children; he has 3 (18, 15 and 12), and I have 3 (21, 19 and 14).
My oldest DS has moved out; my other two lives here full time.
His oldest DD lives here full time, DS 50%, DD12 70%.

My youngest DD14 is severely autistic. And with quite severe mental develomental delay. She will always require care 24/7. My DH is a lovely and kind man, but due to the nature of my DD’s disability he cannot help me with her. We live in Scandinavia, so the govt help is good; 6 days respite a month. And I’ve recently gotten a very generous carer’s allowance where basically the state buys 75% of my work off my employer. I work 25% to not go crackers.
All the years prior I have worked/studied more than full time and ran myself into the ground healthwise.
We built a house, with a whopping mortgage, do that we could convert some of it for a flat for DD for when she turns 18.

My DH has since the summer been saying that she should rather go to assisted housing.
I’m a bit stuck. I pay 50% on everything though he makes roughly twice my salary. He shares costs with his ex; I pay everything for my children (abusive ex).
I don’t know how to deal with it. Or how to afford the mortgage after she turns 18. My DD would pay rent to us, which would help pay the mortgage. I owe more than DH because he already had a property that he sold. I’m not sure my health will allow me to work full time. I’m stretched financially as it is.
Any advice on how to approach this is welcome.

Doesn't sound like much of a partnership 😕

Why does he think she should go to assisted living? Why is it better for her to stay with you? What do you want?

It sounds like you need to have a serious conversation. Ultimately if you do not want the same things then you need to split. It sounds like you took on the house you bought because it had the annex . if you think he has been dishonest about this then that is a huge issue.

Honestly, bringing up a disabled child is tough on a parent. It must be even harder for a step parent, no matter how much they grow to love the child. Your husband may have thought he wanted the plan for your child to live with you both, but to have her living with you for the rest of your lives may not now be something he wants to happen. Is this why he is suggesting assisted living?

Thanks for answers.
He is worried that I’ll be too tied up in caring for DD if she lives here, it is pretty all consuming.
I understand if he finds that too intrusive, in one way, but then again this is why we bought and built the house like that. I would not have spent so much if that was not the plan.

She would have carers 24/7 after turning 18, so it should not be me doing thst part. I’d return to work full time (ideally, but not sure if I can).

I feel like we are just two families in one house sometimes. I pulled back from doing a lot of chores when I realised I was run ragged. He’s picked up on the cooking and cleaning for his own kids. I do mine, of course.

It is silly, because all this came to a head when he told me his DD could bring my bed with her when she moves out after the summer. Except she can’t, because I bought that bed and will need it to furnish my DD’s flat (or send it with her). I’ve sort of collected furniture, that I’ve paid for, bit by bit so things are ready. To replace that bed would be £1000 and I already told my DS he couldn’t have it when he moved out.
DH got so cross and sarky when I said no, his DD can not take the bed with her.
Anyway, student flats are usually fully furnished. But he can buy her a cheap bed from IKEA, half of which will be paid for by her Mum. He made it out thst I was so unreasonable for saying no to sending the bed off with DSD. But it’s MY bed.

The thing is I have always felt like it is a good partnership and that we were pulling in the same direction.
It’s been really important to me to pay my way. We have 3 children each, and I had a flat when we met. (With help from my parents). He has always helped me out if I couldn’t pay my full share some months. He’s not stingy. He’s very supportive in other ways too. But perhaps the longevity of our situation has dawned on him, and to be fair he does not have to be in it.

Everything we have done has been with good intentions, though with hindsight it was probably not a good idea to try to blend families. But as with everything there has been good things and some challenging things.

I just struggle with changing this plan for my DD. I thought it was settled, and have planned my future accordingly.
Maybe things have changed since youngest DSD is being assessed for Asperger (we still have that diagnosis here). Perhaps he thinks she’ll need the space. But she’s very high functioning. My DS1 has the same diagnosis, and he studies and lives independently.

Assisted Housing is not easy to come by either. My DD may simply have to stay at home for many years, even if I were to consider applying for it.

I’m just thinking out loud. I know we’ll have to discuss it properly and make a decision.
I struggle to think that I should let my DD go to associated housing also, because in a way she saved my life when I was with their bio Dad. Me and the children have been through a lot. I took a thrashing in court to save her from her dad. My boys have been through a lot and I don’t want them worrying about their sister.

That seems a really tough situation.
I wouldn't consider it a partnership though. From what you've described, things aren't really blended but more two households in one house.
You aren't on the same page with regards to how decisions should be made and although living in the same house, it seems very separate.

The bed issue for example. It sounds like you bought the bed that dsd is using. In his eyes, it's her bed so she can take it with her but in your eyes, she's using it but it's still yours. No-one should be reallocating furniture without discussion. Surely even if you wanted her to take it then there would be no bed in that room for her to sleep in when she visits. Same as when you've planned to put it into the annex. You'll be missing a bed in the house.

He's seeing things as shared and joint property when it suits but not when it doesn't. The fact you became overwhelmed and stepped back and he only stepped up for his children and himself speaks volumes to me. That's not a partnership. And if he'd been doing that previously, you may well not have become overwhelmed.

I think you need to sit down together and have a big talk about the future, finances, goals, plans for retirement. You don't seem to be on the same page at all.

It sounds like you're more than pulling your weight in financial terms in the relationship. Effectively, you're contributing towards the upkeep of his children as well as covering your own.

I think he's taking liberties not contributing fairly. And then his response to you not wanting his DD to take a bed from you - a bed you've already bought for your DD, and which you wouldn't let your own son take for that reason - is worrying.

You made decisions in the past based on the future plan for your DD, and you still believe that to be the right plan.

Your DD has to come first. If you honestly believe this is the right thing to do, I think you would come to seriously regret going against it.

He may be a generally decent man (but still one who's benefitting form your money, when you have to think about your DD's long term care) who is starting to realise the impact of your DD on the rest of your lives. But if he is basically decent, he'll understand that you won't want to change your plans. He knew your position, you agreed a plan together, just because he's changed his mind doesn't mean you should.

If he tries to bully, guilt-trip or coerce you into to changing your mind, then I think that will confirm you need to stick to your guns, and he isn't quite so decent.

OP, you sound like an amazing mum and a lovely person.

One thing - in a truly equitable partnership if he earns more then you should work out fair, accurate percentages of what your contribution to the household outgoings should be based on your incomes.

Especially important when your abusive ex has no financial contribution! What’s happening is not fair to you financially. Xx

It is very separate the way we live in the house.
It became like that when I realised I’d fallen into doing all the household chores and shopping, aswell as us working together on rehabilitating and building the house when my DD was on respite.
I physically could not do it anymore. DH worked more on the outside Jobs and dealing with the cars etc.

When we moved together in the New house I said we’ll have to cook separately because there are also serious dietary requirements to consider.
My DS2 cooks his own stuff. We have a little extra kitchen since the plan was to alter some of the ground floor to a flat.

The bed issue is a bit telling, yes. It is also so stupid, because why would you lug a bed half way round the country?
It is a good bed, it has travelled a bit, and in this house it was in my DS’s room which DSD «inherited», and I’m happy for her to use it.

He’s never been short of money, and thinks I overreact to some situations. We’ve had thi before: why don’t you just …? When I can’t afford it. Not out of malice, but he has just always been very comfortable financially.

A fellow Scandi resident, which country are you in, if its the same as me that changes advice as systems etc are different

I wanted to do 50/50 because of the children. If we did 70/30, say, then things would be very unfair if one of us dies - inheritance wise.

Also I don’t want to live in a house that is not half mine. That would make me even more vulnerable financially, I think?

But I would never have stretched myself this far «just» for a house. No, I feel a little hoodwinked there.
Though DH is absolutely within his rights to change his mind, but then I must consider too. This mortgage is an enormous chunk of my salary. It was worth it for the long term security for my DD. But if that is out the window, then this is a massive amount of money that I’d rather spend on other things.

In relation to what, do you mean?
The Assisted Housing?

We are in Norway.

Yes, as I know rules around housing, benefits, child maintenance from the NRP vary hugely between them, so I knew it would be silly to post about x y and z without knowing.

Have NAV not been helpful in gaining child support, or providing financial support until the RP complies with NAV?

If he's expecting your DD to move into an assisted living property, what are his long term plans for his children? It seems a bit off given his 18 year old is still living at home!

My ex is very abusive. He tried to kill me. In the UK, so outwith Norwegian jurisdiction, so no issue for him when he followed me here.
I did have nav forcing him to pay support (they pay it, and he has to pay them back) for about 2 years. But I gave that up because it made him think he owned me still.

He has been abusive to the boys too, and they have fled from him - but always return to keep contact because they love him.
But my DD cannot talk, and he would have killed her I’m sure. Luckily he did leave the country for a bit so relinguished his Parental responsibility fir her voluntarily at that point, about 2 yrs ago now.

In the long term, what do you envisage happening to your daughter if you die first? Eventually she may need to go into an assisted living home. Is it fair to keep her at home knowing that one day she will have to be uprooted.
It is important to consider her long term care. It may be that she is better settled into an assisted living complex with lots of weekends at your house.

DSD18 will move out to study after this summer. Our A-level equivalent takes a bit longer here. They usually turn 19 the year they start Uni.

But it is the cost of her in AH aswell. She will have to pay probably all her Allowance in rent, food and care. Usually no spare money, so I’ll have to step in and fund her a bit.

Yes, I’m thinking about that also @Dianapiano . That is an important consideration for sure.

I don’t know yet about that.

I would find this very offputting. You sound like a great mum who is trying to do the best you can for your daughter’s happiness. I don’t see how he can reasonably object to her staying, especially as she will have carers coming in. It sounds like both you and she would be happiest this way? You need to sit down and have a proper talk with him.

@Allihavetodoisdream
He can object because he will have to live with the consequences for the rest of his life. I have seen friends of mine move in a mum, then die unexpectedly leaving a reluctant husband or wife with an elderly MIL who has to then go into a Care Home. In many ways it is so important to think about the 'what ifs'. Assisted Living with regular weekends and holidays at home is probably more sensible and kind in the long run.

OP, there was a BAFTA winning drama/sitcom on the BBC called There She Goes. It is available to watch free on BBC i player (I don't know if you can access it)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/There_She_Goes_(TV_series)
It is about a severely disabled child living with her Mother, Father and brother. The last episode deals with long term care arrangements. It is based on a true story. It is funny and very moving and might make you think through your options.

I don't have any advice but I think you have to about daughters care needs on a long term basis. I think if she requires assisted living in the future, she may need to be prepared for that process.

Is he British, or Scandinavian? I ask because he sounds very similar to my British friend's Scandinavian husband. Something about his attitude comes across as very selfish to me, but I'm told it's just the Scandi way. That said, after 25 years of marriage, raising two boys, my friend is absolutely done with it.

You need to decide what you think is best for your child. He is either on board as a partner, or he isn't.

I think this is a very complex situation with a lot of unknowns, a scary sounding ex, and many children (at least one with high support needs and what you and DH need is a written down plan and possibly the assistance of a mediator? solicitor? SEN advocate? to make it.

There is a lot of "I thought that" / "I assumed that" in your post.

Your DH doesn't seem to be on the same page. You're planning much further ahead than him. Your health isn't the best. Things need agreeing and writing down.

I think you are paying in more than your fair share but I can understand not wanting to feel beholden.

Thank you. I will watch.

My thought was that she’d eventually move in to AH. For those reasons you talk about. But in my mind we were looking at her being 30, not 18.
But yes, I do need to consider DH’s situation in the different scenarios too.