My DH and my SEN child

[turbonerd]

I’m putting this here, because it does impact on our relationship.
My DH and I have been together around 10 yrs, married for almost 7.
We have no joint children; he has 3 (18, 15 and 12), and I have 3 (21, 19 and 14).
My oldest DS has moved out; my other two lives here full time.
His oldest DD lives here full time, DS 50%, DD12 70%.

My youngest DD14 is severely autistic. And with quite severe mental develomental delay. She will always require care 24/7. My DH is a lovely and kind man, but due to the nature of my DD’s disability he cannot help me with her. We live in Scandinavia, so the govt help is good; 6 days respite a month. And I’ve recently gotten a very generous carer’s allowance where basically the state buys 75% of my work off my employer. I work 25% to not go crackers.
All the years prior I have worked/studied more than full time and ran myself into the ground healthwise.
We built a house, with a whopping mortgage, do that we could convert some of it for a flat for DD for when she turns 18.

My DH has since the summer been saying that she should rather go to assisted housing.
I’m a bit stuck. I pay 50% on everything though he makes roughly twice my salary. He shares costs with his ex; I pay everything for my children (abusive ex).
I don’t know how to deal with it. Or how to afford the mortgage after she turns 18. My DD would pay rent to us, which would help pay the mortgage. I owe more than DH because he already had a property that he sold. I’m not sure my health will allow me to work full time. I’m stretched financially as it is.
Any advice on how to approach this is welcome.

He is Scandinavian @BoredZelda
So he is looking after his own interests, I’m not worried about that.

But yes, even though we already had discussed many issues and scenarios @Phineyj it does look like we need to take a much more «rigid» approach with written agreements with caveats for «what ifs» in them.
I thought and assumed things because we had actually talked about them and reached a concensus.
But then things change, so DH is not beholden to those decisions forever. But then neither am I beholden to carry on in our relationship if things turn out very differently than we had first planned. I’m not thinking of divorce as first port of call, but I cannot run myself into the ground either.
We will have to discuss over the next few months.

What happens as you age if your daughter lives at home? How does your daughter get on with her siblings and step siblings? Would she drive them away (horrible question, but is this a concern of your husband - see below for what happened in our family). Would it be easier for her to move to assisted living gradually while you can be heavily involved/guide the process?

My PIL kept SIL with significant MH issues at home. She is able to work (so a very different situation) but apart from that doesn’t do anything independently. Now PIL are reaching the end of their lives a big question is what SIL will do/what will happen. She is very difficult particularly around children in the family. DH does not handle the situation at all (sticks his head in the sand and denies there is a problem, then a crisis blows up).

My plan (our plan, as I thought until recently) was that she would live in a space converted to a flat with carers, and then as we all got older to move her into AH - but we were thinking when she is in her 30’s, so 15 years from now. Not in 4 years time.
Inheritance wise she should not live here in our dotage; and the house should be empty as such when we die, as it will be sold and split between the 6 children.

The house is big, with an additional annex above the garage. Hence the huge mortgage! 😬
The flat conversion would have its own entrance and be cut off from the rest of the house.

My step-children do have a Mum who they live with part-time. She had another child who it turns out is autistic also. But they do have two homes, though the girls spend most of their time here with us. I shield them from my DD as much as I can, but they are happy for her to potter around/sit at the dinner table etc as long as they have the annex + a small extra living room + their own rooms.

Thank you for helping me chew through this. It really helps with other people’s thoughts and pov.