Worried about partner and his new female friend

[inarightmesstoday]

Hi everyone

I've got a situation that has started to bug me and I don't know if I'm over analysing it and being too sensitive, or whether my partner or his new female friend are actually taking the piss a bit.

In a nutshell -
We've been happily seeing each other for 8 months

It's a long distance relationship though, he lives about 2hrs away in a village. We see each other every other weekend mostly. It's a lot for me to get down there, do a weekend then go home back to the working week. He does come up to me too as well though.

A new woman has recently moved to the village, her and my partner met about 5 weeks ago in the pub and they seem to have really hit it off. They go on occasional dog walks together, have had a couple of nights in the pub with others there, not just the 2 of them. I've met her once, she really wanted to meet me apparently and one of the first things she said to me was that her and my partner had been getting funny looks from everyone in the pub, the 'gossips', to the point where they felt they should switch seats so they weren't sitting next to each other. I thought, oh ok - he never mentioned that.

She was nice, very loud though with a big loud laugh which I noticed she would lean into him at times with this laugh. She only stayed for one.....and then messaged him later to say that she thought I was lovely blah blah - it felt a bit like she was giving him her approval? - I don't know.

She then entrusted her precious dog to him to look after for a weekend while she went away to visit her ex. I'm thinking, right but by this point you've known my partner all of 3 weeks.

I didn't go down last weekend but heard they'd had what sounded like a bit of a raucous night in the pub - and I just got really upset.

I'm not jealous per se, more just thinking what the hell is this? I don't think he's my property, he's welcome to have all the friends of whatever genders he wants - but it just feels really quick and full on and I feel a bit like I'm being pushed out. I said this to him today, after he told me she had been on the phone to him in tears about her ex - I was like, wtf? May I just remind you, you have known her all of 5 weeks now - you don't really know her and you definitely don't know her ex, does she not have any other friends she can bawl too?

He was a bit defensive but wanted to talk about it and wanted to be reassuring to me that he in no way thought of her as anything else other than a friend. She's not his type apparently and he isn't hers - don't know how he knows that.

The other week I had said to him that I thought it was nice he had taken her under his wing as she's a single woman in a new area, and he said actually it's her who's taken him under hers...

I can't help feeling hurt. I don't trust her and he stupidly thinks we're going to be friends. I've been calm to him about it, I haven't overreacted....yet! But it's only going to deepen isn't it, so I've come to MN for some advice!

Thank you

Nope! No, thank you! Leave them both to it and find a man closer to home.
A "once a fortnight" boyfriend is never going to work out anyway.

Yes, I agree.

They are inevitably going to get closer than you two are.

Do you have plans to live closer together (or actually together) at some point?

Oh god. She’s definitely aiming for him from the sound of it. And the nicey-nicey meeting you shtick - she’s infiltrating his life fully.

If you guys have a row she’ll be round his with wine and comfort.

Ugh I’d be tempted to think fuck it, you can have her, and dump him.

You've only been seeing each other 8 months and this might be a pattern in his behaviour you are only just now seeing or it might be he has met someone a bit full on and doesn't quite know how to deal with her.

That he is not listening to you and being defensive sounds like a pattern of behaviour, he's been here before. If it wasn't her, it could well be someone else and if she is already crying on his shoulder after 3 weeks, it's moving on way too fast for a neighbourly friendship. However you know the man and I don't so I could well be completely wrong, you ave to go with your gut instincts on this one.

If you are uncomfortable with it now I doubt you will ever feel better about it. He isn't listening to you and being defensive when you bring it up. LTRs need a vast amount of trust to survive, do you trust him?

Sounds like she wants him.Whats the she wants to meet you shit about ? Wants to sus out the competition more like

Yeah I would be worried. Years ago I had a similar situation when my boyfriend was away at uni. He met a girl as friends who was gushing about wanting to meet me and going on about how similar we were etc. I'm pretty cynical and I think fairly good at seeing the real person and did not like her one bit as she was so obviously fake . Turns out she tried it on with him and they ended up kissing (that's what he said happened but probably more went on). I think some women enjoy fucking over other women (a similar thing happened in an earlier relationship too!) which is depressing.

Yeah I wouldn’t accept this. How on earth does he know he’s not her type? Has she told him? He should have answered I’m not interested in any other woman, not just she isn’t his type. So is he saying if she was it would be different?

The problem is with long distance relationships, you don’t really know what he’s upto. I’m sure it’s innocent but if you feel he’s crossed boundaries you need to tell him now, rather than him carrying on, and getting more upset.

Thanks everyone - yeah, we've had a chat tonight, about lots of other stuff before the elephant in the room - which I then brought up, and felt bolstered by your replies, because it isn't ok, I wasn't imagining it or suddenly had turned into a hysterical jealous type.

He said he admits his boundaries are poor, he sees what I'm saying, he will be more aware in future but hasn't been so aware up until this point....and I said I don't want to sound possessive, or bunny boilerish, but something is off with her behaviour - can you not see it?? He said he now can. Urgh, I don't know.

He's a really attractive person in that he's warm, welcoming, a great laugh, kind, jovial, generous etc -I think he innocently sees her as just another friend to add to the others, the more the merrier - but when I said, well if I put myself in her shoes, I would never cosy in with another woman's man in this way, he seemed to look at it differently and agreed

Why do we need to state the obvious? - I really don't think he would like it if it was the other way round and I had some new male friend on the go that was cosying up and confiding in me .

Why do we need to state the obvious?

Oh I know that one. She's flattered him with acres of attention from the moment she met him so he can't see it for what it is.

We all like being flattered but it makes us blind to the motives behind it. When it's someone wanting your partner they make them first feel bad for them and want to support them, then the partner starts sharing the issues that are cropping up in your relationship (usually due to the emotional affair starting up). From then on it's a very short trip to the bedroom and feeling this is someone special. Men are often prone to the knight in shining armour pull or the damsel in distress.

I've warned several friends from getting suckered in like this.

Some people, men and women, enjoy screwing up other peoples lives and go all out for partnered people. Wanting to meet you was to make you aware of her being in his sphere and so quickly his best neighbour mate (big laughs, leaning into him etc) and seeing what kind of person she would be snatching him from. The better the competition the bigger the prize.

I'm glad you've talked about it. What is he proposing to do about his poor boundaries around her?

Oh come on, don’t do this to yourself. It’s hard but do the right thing and walk away from this shit show. You don’t need this drama in your life.You know it’s a train wreck for you in the making…whatever you’re punishing yourself for by setting yourself up to fail like this, you don’t need to. Just walk away now with your dignity.

@inarightmesstoday, things are way too intense between your P and this OW, and their energy sounds charged. She has taken ownership of him, and he is flattered, boosted and validated by her attention. He has weakened his boundaries for her.

They pair off at the pub, even when in a group, and have fun, raucous times. She laughs and leans into him, confides in him with tears (damsel), and entrusts her beloved dog to his care. They take walks together with their pets, talk on the phone, and, I assume, exchange messages. All of this taken together is too much, too potent — totally inappropriate for a partnered person. They are building an intimate connection that is undermining and harming your relationship.

Another thing. She has intentionally put you on the back foot by divulging that the pub patrons were side-eyeing them, as they looked like a cozy couple. She clearly sees him as fair game.

**I have just seen your update, @inarightmesstoday. I’m glad that you confronted him with your very reasonable feelings and observations. Frankly, I am not impressed by his claiming that he just realized how poor his boundaries are. I hope that he makes real changes and is not just paying lip service to put you back in your lane. LDRs only work when there is mutual trust and respect. I would not be continuing this relationship.

I suggest that you both read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. She examines how one partner’s weak boundaries and investment of emotional energy in a third party can threaten and damage primary relationships.

Move on don't get into the pick me, pick me.
Life's too short and if you continue and it's long distance would you be wondering if he's with her.
Don't do that to yourself.

@inarightmesstoday, is he now acknowledging that he needs to distance himself from this woman, and, if so, what does that look like to him? No more shoulder for her confiding, less pub visits, cessation of favors, calls and texts, etc.? She sounds headstrong and determined to attach herself like a magnet. Heretofore he has gone along with that for the ego massages, but he needs a plan for implementing stronger boundaries. She won’t like it and will push back.

He needs to talk to you about how he will implement the distancing and how he will respond to her. The problem is that you won’t really know if he follows through or if he continues their coupley dynamic and interactions.

I bet you a tenner they know each other years.

I'm not sure what you want to do OP. This is the problem with long distance relationships, there's always the problem of them meeting someone closer to home.

You can't forbid him from seeing her and you obviously have to trust him. I would say she's after him but you'll have to see how it pans out.

"She's not his type apparently and he isn't hers "

If sex is on the table, she'll be his 'type'!

Nah, I wouldn't be happy with any of this.

Cripes you're all right - I was so upset this week which I absolutely don't need! Second guessing myself - am I being jealous / unkind? She did put me on the back foot with telling me about the gossips, she must have been checking me out to see if i knew - which i didn't and which was obvious to her - so already the secretive behaviour has started. Hmmmm - I also thought did they already know each other, because otherwise how is it so over familiar in such a short space of time.

Damn it, I was really enjoying his company up until now!

How u doing op x

Thanks @Itstimetoquit - I'm ok, I ended it. I've been a bit of an idiot really and have come to my senses now.
When we first met, I wasn't in a great place at all but at the time had thought I was doing ok, my dad had just died 5 months prior. First red flag I guess!
I had a nosey on him on the usual SM sites and I could see he was following a lot of girls that clearly were not friends or relations - and I could also see he'd been commenting on their images....such as 'wow' and getting no response like all the countless other gormless men that were commenting 🙄
In my stupidity grief, I put it down to him possibly being a bit lonely in not having been in a relationship for a long time himself. Again - red flags but I don't know, I think I overlooked it and actually felt sorry for him which if anybody had said that to me I would have said eww no! Creepy.
Things were then enjoyable for a while, but now I look at it, I was actually grieving and looking for a release from that maybe - and that was all it was really.

You weren't stupid, you haven't been an idiot. You were grieving and you were vulnerable.
You have done the right thing ending the relationship.
All best wishes going forward with your life.

You did the right thing. You deserve much better than what that guy was offering. Hang in there

I agree not stupid at all.

We can all easily miss red flags, they aren't always glaring. I'm glad you did the right thing for you.

female intuition is a powerful thing. If something feels off, then you’re not imagining it

Ending things was a smart move, @inarightmesstoday. It sounds like he craves the validation of women, even when in a relationship.

Did he ever distance himself from this woman?