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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend say F**k and P*** Off to me

33 replies

Kittycat1999 · 31/01/2025 14:12

My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years, and there's a pattern I’ve noticed whenever he gets frustrated with me—he tends to tell me to "p** off" or calls me names if I’m annoying him. Usually, I try to brush it off, but today I just couldn’t anymore.
Here’s the situation: Our electricity tripped, so we had to check each plug one by one. I started the process, but then he took over, and I stayed at the box to watch the switches. I kept asking him which switches he was flipping and whether he was following the electrician’s instructions, but he didn’t answer. I started getting frustrated because he wasn’t responding, so I went into the other room to ask him again. I asked if he was doing things the way we were told, and when he ignored me again, I snapped and called him out for acting like an a** hole.

Now, I know I lost my temper, and I’m not saying I handled it well, but being ignored like that really bothered me—especially because he knows that’s something I can’t stand. That’s when things escalated. He called me a b, told me to p off, and used other hurtful names. I never called him anything like that. I tried to explain why I reacted the way I did, but he just kept saying hurtful things. I’m owning up to the fact that I lost my cool, but his words really cut deep.
I’ve apologized to him, but he hasn’t apologized to me, and it’s been weighing on me.

OP posts:
TheAirfryerQueen · 31/01/2025 14:15

Dump him.

I divorced a dickhead like yours. Honestly, it will get worse.

Find your self respect & move TF on.

category12 · 31/01/2025 14:17

Usually, I try to brush it off, but today I just couldn’t anymore.

Why? By tolerating name-calling and verbal abuse, you're basically agreeing to it being part of how your relationship works.

He routinely ignores you, verbally abuses you and never apologises - you snapping back is not exactly unwarranted.

But basically he's got no respect for you and expects you to put up with it. Stop that.

peachescariad · 31/01/2025 14:17

My DD's bf has said this to her several times and has put the phone down on her a couple of times (she's 22 he's 23)
He's now her ex.

CarliLove35 · 31/01/2025 14:19

You deserve better than this. Tell him to piss off and leave him. NOW.

Kittycat1999 · 31/01/2025 14:32

How do I confront this behaviour because when I try he always blames me?

OP posts:
TheAirfryerQueen · 31/01/2025 14:38

Kittycat1999 · 31/01/2025 14:32

How do I confront this behaviour because when I try he always blames me?

You don't, sweetheart. He won't listen to you. Just LTB as quietly as you can. He's really not worth your energy or your time.

Don't be me and wait 20 years for him to be the man you want him to be. It's never going to happen.

username299 · 31/01/2025 14:40

Kittycat1999 · 31/01/2025 14:32

How do I confront this behaviour because when I try he always blames me?

What are you trying to achieve? Do you think he'll suddenly see the error of his ways and change?

In future, at the first sign of disrespect, run. If a man uses misogynist language such as calling women bitches, run.

MissMoneyFairy · 31/01/2025 14:43

You don't need to confront him, you just look after yourself and make plans to leave, neither of you are happy and you deserve better. You can't change his attitude or behaviour so don't waste your energy.

Brefugee · 31/01/2025 14:43

Kittycat1999 · 31/01/2025 14:32

How do I confront this behaviour because when I try he always blames me?

You leave and tell him this is why

category12 · 31/01/2025 14:43

Kittycat1999 · 31/01/2025 14:32

How do I confront this behaviour because when I try he always blames me?

You shouldn't need to, it shouldn't be happening.

If you have to fight to be treated decently, then what's the point? He's supposed to love and care for you. It's not hard to be nice to someone you like.

WarriorN · 31/01/2025 14:44

"I can't be in relationships with someone who calls me abusive names. It makes me feel very unhappy"

www.relate.org.uk/get-help/how-de-escalate-argument

If he still blames you, leave

Learn what DARVO means too.

Deny attack, reverse the offender (basically blames you.)

Dror · 31/01/2025 14:45

Tell the fucker he's dumped and enjoy life free of some thick, shitty bloke.

spacepies · 31/01/2025 14:48

You both sound like teenagers tbh name calling at each other.

If someone is pissing me off or annoying me to a point i really cant deal with it yes darn right im going to tell them to fuck off and leave me a alone.

WarriorN · 31/01/2025 14:50

Also, he's clearly not intelligent enough to understand how to handle a disagreement or heated conversation. He thinks being abusive is the way to handle it. I doubt he is interested in learning.

You want to be with someone how has the emotional intelligence to navigate normal day to day situations with respect.

BobbyBiscuits · 31/01/2025 14:51

If a man tells me to f off or whatever, I always respond with 'no, you fuck off!' Then I leave the room and try and calm down for a minute. I'd then try and get over it and hope we'd mutually apologise.
But in his case it seems a one way street. In that respect it is abusive. I don't think he values you much. I understand swearing in arguments, I know I do it. But this is something else.

BeBluntDog · 31/01/2025 14:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BeeCucumber · 31/01/2025 14:53

Don’t you mean ex-boyfriend?

Donttellempike · 31/01/2025 14:54

Kittycat1999 · 31/01/2025 14:32

How do I confront this behaviour because when I try he always blames me?

Happy Birthday GIF by Mumbai Indians

You leave him . This only gets worse.

BeBluntDog · 31/01/2025 14:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

unsync · 31/01/2025 14:57

Kittycat1999 · 31/01/2025 14:32

How do I confront this behaviour because when I try he always blames me?

You don't confront him. He doesn't respect you. It will always be your fault. These types of men never take responsibility for anything. Why do you want to be in a relationship with a man who thinks so little of you?

SnoopysHoose · 31/01/2025 15:03

OP called him and arsehole and everyone is horrified he retaliated and called her a bitch?
As per the man is always the worse one isn't he?

category12 · 31/01/2025 15:05

SnoopysHoose · 31/01/2025 15:03

OP called him and arsehole and everyone is horrified he retaliated and called her a bitch?
As per the man is always the worse one isn't he?

Because he has the pattern of behaviour of verbally abusing her and her snapping at him was a one-off. 🙄

Balloonhearts · 31/01/2025 15:07

You walk up to him and you say 'you treat me coldly, with disrespect and I deserve better. Don't call me.' Then you walk away.

WarriorN · 31/01/2025 15:10

SnoopysHoose · 31/01/2025 15:03

OP called him and arsehole and everyone is horrified he retaliated and called her a bitch?
As per the man is always the worse one isn't he?

It wasn't great, as she says. And she acknowledged that.

Being constantly called names does have the potential to begin to change the way you react over time and it's possible the op is starting to mirror behaviour as a result.

Op, you need to leave him

NotthinglikeaBondGirl · 31/01/2025 15:11

SnoopysHoose · 31/01/2025 15:03

OP called him and arsehole and everyone is horrified he retaliated and called her a bitch?
As per the man is always the worse one isn't he?

Yes, OP called him a name first and they were wrong to do so. However this doesn't entitle him to call OP names & tell them to F* off etc. Also I don't think this is a LTB case - you need to talk to each other, maybe have counselling & learn how to communicate without resorting to name calling & swearing at each other.

BTW it would have wound me up if my DH had kept checking that I was following instructions whilst trying to work out what was tripping the switch. I think I would have snapped & told him that I'm not an idiot who can't follow instructions & told him to get off my back.