I'm going to try and keep this brief but will probably fail. I'm really hoping for some kindness here as I'm really lonely, struggling and a mess at the moment.
I've been in a relationship for 9 years and we have a 4 year old child. It's an abusive relationship and it's been very, very hard. I'm currently having chest pains, feel sick, constant headaches and mouth ulcers. I also have high blood pressure.
He is a narcissist. I know this word gets thrown around, however he is textbook, 100%.
I know I need to leave, I have began saving money however I am not ready yet. I am trauma bonded. I have had therapy but honestly I'm not strong enough yet.
We have a cycle whereby I say/do something he doesn't like and he tries to control my behaviour with threats to leave/for me to leave. My poor behaviour may be asking him to help in the house because he's home all day, or being unhappy he's in the pub 4 nights a week. He used to threaten to leave and go to stay at his parents house, however when I stopped reacting he stopped with that threat. It then moved on to him telling me to work more, which I do; so he can't argue about that...although he sometimes tries. So his new one is saying I have to pay all the rent (in front of our child) or telling me I need to leave.
It's a cycle and he gets angry, threatens, I work harder and in a few days he's completely normal.
However things have not been right for nearly 2 weeks now. 2 weeks ago he was unhappy with me for saying something in front of a family member that he said made him look bad (everything is about appearance with him). He sent me a load of messages and that was that. Last Monday our estate agent came to do a house inspection. I decided to catch her outside and very quietly asked about our joint tenancy. I thought he was sue to start work but he wasn't and he was trying to listen and came outside when we were talking. When she left he was saying I bet you were asking about other houses, what were you talking to her about, I bet you were slagging me off, he was shouting. However he then went in the other room and didn't speak to me for 4 days.
He's now talking to me but things obviously aren't right. He's sleeping downstairs, spends all day in bed and goes to the pub most nights (he was there no day, weds, Thursday - couldn't go Tues I had plans). He drinks around 12 units of alcohol within a 2 hour period before even leaving the house.
What I am trying to work out is; are we even together? I would talk to him as that's the logical thing to do but he deflects, gaslights and gets angry. He's not said we aren't together but not sleeping in our room and no physical relationship. I can't work out if this is another one of his "punishments" so I tie myself in knots or if we are over. I also feel like he's taking advantage... Not officially ending it so I'm at home as back up, perception of a normal relationship, he can see child regularly and has a regular babysitter. He once said he liked it when we didn't talk because he could do what he wants without me nagging...he basically spends the day in bed, drinks most evenings and refuses to do anything in the house despite the fact he's home all day and I work full time.
Also, we have had no discussion about being separated and no conversation about child arrangements, house etc. He threats to stay in the 4 bed house we are renting but has always wanted to move back to where he grew up and goes there regularly. He owns his business and earns a lot more than me but has significantly reduced his hours, does around ab hour or 2 a day, so his yearly salary is around 45k.
I'm literally heartbroken and I'm trying to work out if we are even together or he's punishing me.