Please help me decipher this behaviour

[Anon1119]

I'm going to try and keep this brief but will probably fail. I'm really hoping for some kindness here as I'm really lonely, struggling and a mess at the moment.

I've been in a relationship for 9 years and we have a 4 year old child. It's an abusive relationship and it's been very, very hard. I'm currently having chest pains, feel sick, constant headaches and mouth ulcers. I also have high blood pressure.

He is a narcissist. I know this word gets thrown around, however he is textbook, 100%.
I know I need to leave, I have began saving money however I am not ready yet. I am trauma bonded. I have had therapy but honestly I'm not strong enough yet.

We have a cycle whereby I say/do something he doesn't like and he tries to control my behaviour with threats to leave/for me to leave. My poor behaviour may be asking him to help in the house because he's home all day, or being unhappy he's in the pub 4 nights a week. He used to threaten to leave and go to stay at his parents house, however when I stopped reacting he stopped with that threat. It then moved on to him telling me to work more, which I do; so he can't argue about that...although he sometimes tries. So his new one is saying I have to pay all the rent (in front of our child) or telling me I need to leave.
It's a cycle and he gets angry, threatens, I work harder and in a few days he's completely normal.

However things have not been right for nearly 2 weeks now. 2 weeks ago he was unhappy with me for saying something in front of a family member that he said made him look bad (everything is about appearance with him). He sent me a load of messages and that was that. Last Monday our estate agent came to do a house inspection. I decided to catch her outside and very quietly asked about our joint tenancy. I thought he was sue to start work but he wasn't and he was trying to listen and came outside when we were talking. When she left he was saying I bet you were asking about other houses, what were you talking to her about, I bet you were slagging me off, he was shouting. However he then went in the other room and didn't speak to me for 4 days.

He's now talking to me but things obviously aren't right. He's sleeping downstairs, spends all day in bed and goes to the pub most nights (he was there no day, weds, Thursday - couldn't go Tues I had plans). He drinks around 12 units of alcohol within a 2 hour period before even leaving the house.

What I am trying to work out is; are we even together? I would talk to him as that's the logical thing to do but he deflects, gaslights and gets angry. He's not said we aren't together but not sleeping in our room and no physical relationship. I can't work out if this is another one of his "punishments" so I tie myself in knots or if we are over. I also feel like he's taking advantage... Not officially ending it so I'm at home as back up, perception of a normal relationship, he can see child regularly and has a regular babysitter. He once said he liked it when we didn't talk because he could do what he wants without me nagging...he basically spends the day in bed, drinks most evenings and refuses to do anything in the house despite the fact he's home all day and I work full time.

Also, we have had no discussion about being separated and no conversation about child arrangements, house etc. He threats to stay in the 4 bed house we are renting but has always wanted to move back to where he grew up and goes there regularly. He owns his business and earns a lot more than me but has significantly reduced his hours, does around ab hour or 2 a day, so his yearly salary is around 45k.

I'm literally heartbroken and I'm trying to work out if we are even together or he's punishing me.

Given the child’s age and the surrounding circumstances he is highly unlikely to get 50/50. Men will demand this but be unable to show they can uphold it and if his abusive and coercive behaviour is considered he might not get anything at all and I will say this now, if he gets visitation, insist on a third party handover arrangement (maybe your sister in law?) so you do not have to face this man.
Also insist on a parenting plan, contact book arrangement as a minimum.

Thank you for your detailed reply. I'm sorry to hear of what you have been through and pleased to hear you're now free.

I know you're right. I really do. My motivation to leave has been for my child as she has been saying more and more things like this. She's also seen me being pushed and shouted and sworn at and I know that's awful. Yet she seems to prefer her father, despite me always being there.

I need to save 6 months rent upfront and a deposit and I'm not quite there yet, so this has been my focus. However he occasionally withholds money that he pays me to cover an extra bill, so I don't know if I'll be short this month. I've signed up to housing association but currently low priority, this is why I need to see Women's Aid. I need a statement as "evidence" of abuse. Im not sure if they can help but I don't know where else to go and ask.

My concern is this...so he literally only does 1 useful thing. He takes our child to school each morning. Although he was never happy about it, he's accepted it. The reason is because I take my other child to school in a different town and I also start work early. I'm worried he's seen as an amazing father. I could take our child to school and the other one and then go to work. However I resent that he does nothing and I felt I shouldn't be rushing around doing 2 school runs before work whilst he's doing nothing all day.

I get up early to do our child packed lunch, clothes ready etc. I also always get up with our child and "DP" sets an alarm and gets up when I leave to do the other school run.

However my arguement is...partner drinks every day (occasional day off). In pub around 3x a week. Goes back to bed every day...he's not fit to have our child and that's without the abuse.

Unfortunately though the abuse is irrelevant. I spoke with a family solicitor and regardless, he can still go for 50/50.

You need to tell the housing asap that you’re fleeing with your child and are effectively homeless. Women’s aid can be used as evidence as can a GP letter and a letter from the nursery. You could also report him to the police and provide the incident number to the HA.

It's the part-time doctor again isn't it? You've changed some details but your posting style is still instantly recognisable.

Why oh why are you still obsessing over "deciphering" his behaviour and trying to maintain a relationship?? He's abusive, he's been abusing you and your children for years and yet you still want him to treat you like his partner?!

I'm sorry, this probably sounds very heartless but what is it going to take for you to leave?! He is emotionally bullying your older child, turning the younger boy against you, they are witnessing horrific emotional and sometimes physical abuse, yet you are still name-changing and starting new threads to try and understand his behaviour so he doesn't leave you?!!

It's insane. Please be honest with Women's Aid even if you aren't here. You can't protect your children whilst you are this enmeshed and in awe of him. You have money saved, supportive friends and family, you aren't tied to him by marriage or a mortgage, and your eldest child's father is a good co-parent (as you've said on all the hundreds of previous threads you've started) you are in a better position than most to leave, yet you are STILL obsessing over what he is thinking/feeling/doing!!

Honestly the best thing that can happen here is that he leaves you, as it seems nothing is bad enough for you to take the initiative and get your children out of this toxic environment.

OP you don't need to save up for a deposit. When. I left my ex-husband I only worked part time but I was so determined to leave that when a rental became available I got a loan to cover both the rent upfront and the deposit, I didn't know how I was going to manage financially but I wanted to get out so I did, and I was fine. In the kindest way I think you're insisting on saving up this money to put off the decision but you need to leave yesterday for the sake of your child.

I just don't want to make it formal and create issues. I haven't got the energy for a fight. It's just my word against his and he says that I'm abusive and crazy.

Just to say I really feel for you. The 50/50 risk is real. It's so hard when it's your word against theirs and they are saying you are crazy- I'm in somewhat similar situation minus partner using alcohol. Wishing you luck getting out of it.

I can't get a loan as I already have a loan out for a car and I owe on my Next account. I can't get into more debt as I've no idea what my finances will look like as a single mum.

He can go for 50/50 if he wants. He can go for 100. he probably will and make a song and dance about it.

That doesn’t mean he gets it.

I'm sure that someone with more knowledge and experience could pop in here and help direct you to the relevant support to find out what benefits and assistance you might be eligible for. This would help you to understand more about your financial position. Also don't forget about CSA - again someone can point you in right direction, but isn't there some kind of calculator to help identify what mght be expected?

I understand that your anxious and scared about the future, but it does sound like you are finding lots of obstacles to justify not being ready to leave.

By identifying each obstacle and then looking into it and getting more understanding, you can break down/remove the obstacle, one step at a time.

You've mixed me up with someone else

The solicitor seemed to think he could get 50/50

I've looked into fiances and would be entitled to universal credit. If he gets 50/50 then I wouldn't get any maintenance. It would be a struggle but I assume do-able. It's the initial money needed that I'm trying to save

You said you've saved 6 months rent - use some of that as a deposit and then pay the rent as you get paid? Or can any family members give you a loan?

He won't go after 50/50, he'll just use that as a threat - it's what these men do. Do you really think he's going to want to lug his pathetic, drunken arse out of bed to look after a child?

You said yourself he moaned about just taking her to school. Point out to him that if he gets 50/50 he'll be having to do everything for her all by himself. If she's sick he'll have to pick her up from school, he'll be doing the school run and cooking for her every day etc. and be in sole charge of her half of the week. He won't want that.

Don't let this be the reason you stay.

I have to pay 6 months upfront as I don't have a guarantor and it's the only way around it apparently. My family are financially worse off than me, so none of them can help unfortunately.

I really hope it's just a threat and he moves away because I don't want him in the same village. He's unpredictable, so who knows.

How can making it, “formal” create issues? If you want to protect yourself and your child, the BEST thing you can do is engage with services. These professionals see abusive men call their victims, “crazy, abusive, mentally ill” all the time. It’s part of their script. It’s called DARVO and it’s very easy to spot.

Let me put it like this, if at some point in the future he tries to take you to court for child contact, it will look infinitely better for you if you have gone to these services and asked for help. It will show that you are doing everything you can to safeguard your child and have been cooperative. It will show that you recognised you needed support to escape an abusive perpetrator and then it will be your word, and the word of all the services you engaged with for support against his. If he tries to paint you as crazy you will have confirmation from your GP that you came for help because you were being abused and this was causing you anxiety. It was your abusive relationship that was causing you anxiety, not that you were mentally ill. If you engage with women’s aid, the court would see that you were indeed a victim of abuse who needed support to escape that relationship. Engagement with services is seen as a positive in court. Trust me, I’ve been there. I know how it works. The more evidence you have by making it, “formal” the better.

Stop making excuses for why you won't engage fully with services like Women's Aid. You know he won't want 50/50 he can't even be bothered with the bare minimum, you're just looking for reasons to stay in the hope he will magically change.

And you don't need 6 months plus deposit if you have a permanent job surely, if you work full time your payslips will be enough for a landlord.

You're not taking action because you want to stay with him. But he won't change. Meanwhile your kids are suffering.

I see what you're saying. By "formal" I mean I don't want to go to the police and then fight him in court. However I do understand about the other services. It's one reason I want to speak with Womens Aid, I have also done an online chat with them before.
I have had doctors appointments and mentioned things are difficult at home. I have really high blood pressure and the Dr was asking about my stress levels.

He's taken our child to his parents for the weekend. No discussion. I mentioned dinner earlier and he said that he'd be at his dad's and taking our child. I asked how long and he said fri- Sun. Usually I would go with him. He's said I can come tomorrow for the weekend. Then sent a load of messages that I'll never set foot in that house again if I ever talk about him to his family. He said I'm miserable and eye roll and everyone can see it. He doesn't think about the fact I've probably been shouted and sworn at before I go quiet.
Our child said they'd miss me and didn't want to go but was happy when I said if be there tomorrow. I asked what time I can go over and he said that he'd text me to tell me later 🙄 I just want to see my child over the weekend and feel I have no control 😥

This is what I hate. He's decided he's taking our child for the weekend, didn't ask, discuss or mention it in advance. Just decided he's taking her and I can't do anything about it. He's been talking nicely to me the last few days, then as soon as I say I don't want to be away from my child and that I'll come to his parents, it's like he regains control and then starts insulting me/saying I'm nasty etc.

Have you read this book op?

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

If not, I highly recommend that you do. It will help you get some clarity on his behaviours and why he purposely does it. I would read the whole thing whilst you are alone tonight. Not only will it enlighten you but it will fill the void of missing your child by way of distraction.

You want to understand his behaviour because you feel it will somehow make it easier for you. Knowledge is indeed power but you need to understand that his behaviour is nothing to do with you. You could be any woman. He would act the same. The problem doesn’t lie with you. There’s nothing you could do, be, say, provide, no way you could act or not act what would change his behaviour. It’s not because he doesnt love or value you. It’s because he couldn’t love or value any woman. He doesn’t see women as real people. They are things for him to control and manipulate in order for him to gain something. That could be money, a maid, sex, attention, a cook, childcare, adoration, etc. And it’s always because it makes him feel powerful. That’s who he is. It will never change. And it’s not your fault nor is it possible for you to fix or change him. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I sense the distress in your posts. But it’s time now. You have to do this before your child is irreparably damaged psychologically and before you drop dead with a heart attack due to the stressful environment you’re living in.

If you’re working full time, speak to your work about what’s happening and ask if they could give you an advance to cover the extra money you need. Then they can take it back a little each month from your wages. Some workplaces will do this to support a staff member to escape domestic abuse. Alternatively, could you get a loan? These are options. Also, if you are going into social housing you don’t need a guarantor. You just need to be able to pay your rent, which you can and you need to show that you’re a priority by providing evidence, like you’re receiving support to leave from women’s aid.

No, you're not together. For him it's a convenient set up where you are the only parent because he's enjoying himself in the pub night after night. This is a very unhealthy situation for yourself and your child to be in. Why are you so bothered about whether you are together or not? He's a narcissist, you will never win his game, don't even engage. Go Grey Rock, he'll soon get bored, he might even leave. In the meantime, concentrate on building up your strength and resilience to leave him for the sake of your child and your mental health.

OP, I really feel for you. I’ve been going through similar and wondering when I’m going to shake myself out of it.

It’s easy to say ‘just leave’…Not so long ago I would have been one of those people.

In my case, we don’t even have children together. I was highly independent before I met him. Now I find myself going through the same cycle of sh*t time and time again, but nothing feels ‘bad enough’ to leave, other than me being constantly unheard, unvalued, and feeling ill.

It sounds like you’re getting your things in order. If you can bear it, I would urge you to not go to visit his family, I think that will speak volumes to him and to them without you saying anything. Show him he’s not in control this time and spend the weekend focusing on yourself, some time out. Don’t worry about your daughter, he’s with his family not alone, so I’m sure she will be looked after

You might also benefit from reading the book I linked in a previous comment.

In terms of, “bad enough” what will that be for you? Do you have to wait until he punches you 5 times, full force in the face to justify leaving? Or does he have to SA you? Does he have to take all your money and leave you with nothing? Does he have to psychologically damage you to the point that you feel you’re going insane? What will it take for you to believe it’s bad enough to leave?

Let me tell you something, the first time he was abusive to you, it was bad enough. Ask yourself why you’re waiting for that bad enough moment? You can leave any relationship any time whether there’s abuse or not. You can leave any relationship simply because it’s not working out for you and this relationship is making you ill. I’d say that’s bad enough.

Please read the book

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

And contact women’s aid for support to make an exit plan. There’s a better life waiting for you once you’re free of this abusive man.