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Original poster

Advice. Girlfriend stood me up

45 replies

Jonnybruss · 31/01/2025 10:08

Hi,
I just need some advice.

Last Friday my girlfriend (of 2 1/2 years)had arranged to go out with her friend for her birthday with another couple of friends.

She said her friend would be going home at 9.30pm as she has a small child at home and could I pick her up (so she could come to mine for the rest of the weekend)

I agreed, at 6pm that evening we spoke and agreed she would let me know when he was leaving so I would leave and collect her from her house.

She always sends a message or two when out, where they are etc.

However nothing this time. 9.30 came and went. I considered calling her but her phone is always on silent. It got to midnight with me still sitting waiting.

I messaged to say I was tired and going to bed. I did try to sleep but I was worried.

At 1 am I got a message she was home and had a great night, she only apologised to say she didn't mean to stay that long.

I was hurt, felt used, abandoned all the bad things. Her friend who's birthday it was went home at 10pm

I picked her up on Saturday at 3pm, she had slept till 1pm. We got to mine and by 5pm she was asleep again, no apology or explanation.

On Sunday I finally raised the issue. She said she was drunk (4 pints, not much for her) she said I should have called.

I explained that being stood up is horrible and that I had sit waiting to pick her up till midnight. Her friend had gone home at 10 so why didn't she call me then? She got another pint she said.

So we made up and I asked for better communication.

So she had another night at a friend's overnight arranged for the same Friday. She told me last week it was rearranged for 2 to 3 weeks time.(this was said last week)

So this Thursday we were having tea and I asked what she wanted to do this weekend. She then tells me she is going to her friends on Friday till Saturday afternoon.

So again I felt I had just been abandoned, she never told me till Thursday night she was going her friends.

So I admit I went into a bit of a rant today.

Two weekends in a row being one with no communication and one with less than a day's notice and only because I asked her what we were doing.

Her response was she feels she cannot win that she can't make plans (I have never stopped her making plans).

I have tried to explain I think there should be communication as to what and when her plans are and I shouldn't be taken for granted.

I was hoping that after standing me up last weekend she might have put us first this weekend instead she made plans to go to her friends overnight. I am now being made to think it is my fault I I shouldn't be raising any of this as an issue

I love her very much but feel I am going insane....help!!

OP posts:
Peaceandquietandacuppa · 31/01/2025 10:18

Have you made some kind of agreement to spend every weekend together? If not, maybe your expectations don’t match her expectations?

With the first example, her behaviour wasn’t great. But maybe she didn’t know how to say ‘no’ to seeing you, when she already had plans. As a people pleaser I have been in this situation many times! Are you being a bit pushy when it comes to spending weekends together?

I don’t think she is unreasonable to want to see friends. But if your ideas of a relationship don’t match or it feels one-sided from your part, you need to have an open conversation about it.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 31/01/2025 10:20

“I was hoping that after standing me up last weekend she might have put us first this weekend instead she made plans to go to her friends overnight. ”

prime example - you’re expecting her to mind read when you both might just have very different expectations.

Original poster
Jonnybruss · 31/01/2025 10:23

Hi,

Yes the default is we spend every weekend together unless one of us has plans

Sorry to be clear on the first example. She wanted me to pick her up because he said she was coming home when her friend left. I am fine with her going out till late, I will just do my own thing.

I have also never stopped her seeing her friends and never would

OP posts:
Original poster
Jonnybruss · 31/01/2025 10:25

Hi,

Of course that was an assumption made out of hope. I will plead guilty to that

OP posts:
stampin · 31/01/2025 10:31

She said she would let you know when he was leaving. Who's he?

Just5fiveminutes · 31/01/2025 10:33

Last time I experienced this sort of behaviour, my partner had been cheating.

Cut your losses and go before she gaslights you into a broken man.

Gingerkittykat · 31/01/2025 10:48

How long have you been together?

BMW6 · 31/01/2025 10:51

Gingerkittykat · 31/01/2025 10:48

How long have you been together?

Read the opening post!

Gonk123 · 31/01/2025 10:56

How often does she usually make plans with her friends. Is it normal to have two weeks on the trot going out. I can’t think that she would drop ready made plans because you felt abandoned the previous week but I get that you may feel a little insecure if it is unusual behaviour. See if she checks in with you like normal this week - you said she normally does. If she doesn’t and things feel different then maybe all is not as it seems.
where did you pick her up from on the Sunday at 3? Her friends - the one who left before her?

ChristmasFluff · 31/01/2025 11:06

Sounds to me like she's stopped caring about your feelings, and is then being manipulative and deflecting when you point out how her behaviour is affecting you.

I mean, fair enough getting drunk and forgetting to text/call, then falling asleep the next day (I's assume she was lying about only 4 pints and was hungover). But then not telling you this weekend's plans when by default you spend the weekends together.... Yeah, she doesn't give a shit.

I'd be preparing to dump her - 3 strikes and all that. I get the feeling the 3rd strike won't be long coming.

Original poster
Jonnybruss · 31/01/2025 11:10

stampin · 31/01/2025 10:31

She said she would let you know when he was leaving. Who's he?

Sorry typo. When she was leaving

OP posts:
Original poster
Jonnybruss · 31/01/2025 11:13

ChristmasFluff · 31/01/2025 11:06

Sounds to me like she's stopped caring about your feelings, and is then being manipulative and deflecting when you point out how her behaviour is affecting you.

I mean, fair enough getting drunk and forgetting to text/call, then falling asleep the next day (I's assume she was lying about only 4 pints and was hungover). But then not telling you this weekend's plans when by default you spend the weekends together.... Yeah, she doesn't give a shit.

I'd be preparing to dump her - 3 strikes and all that. I get the feeling the 3rd strike won't be long coming.

Possibly. It's all getting put back onto me.

I have even tried explaining that if I had done that the accusations of an affair would have soon followed

OP posts:
Original poster
Jonnybruss · 31/01/2025 11:15

Just5fiveminutes · 31/01/2025 10:33

Last time I experienced this sort of behaviour, my partner had been cheating.

Cut your losses and go before she gaslights you into a broken man.

☹️ I think it might have broken me already

OP posts:
Original poster
Jonnybruss · 31/01/2025 11:16

Gingerkittykat · 31/01/2025 10:48

How long have you been together?

Two and a half years

OP posts:
Original poster
Jonnybruss · 31/01/2025 11:19

Gonk123 · 31/01/2025 10:56

How often does she usually make plans with her friends. Is it normal to have two weeks on the trot going out. I can’t think that she would drop ready made plans because you felt abandoned the previous week but I get that you may feel a little insecure if it is unusual behaviour. See if she checks in with you like normal this week - you said she normally does. If she doesn’t and things feel different then maybe all is not as it seems.
where did you pick her up from on the Sunday at 3? Her friends - the one who left before her?

Usually she spreads plans around so we very rarely have two weekends apart.

I picked her up from her house at 3pm on the Saturday

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 31/01/2025 11:22

Jonnybruss · 31/01/2025 11:13

Possibly. It's all getting put back onto me.

I have even tried explaining that if I had done that the accusations of an affair would have soon followed

Show quote history

Honestly, it sounds to me as if you're being treated badly here. I would be inclined to end the relationship.

In fact, I suspect perhaps she's treating you like shit because she wants you to end the relationship because she's too gutless to do it herself.

ChristmasFluff · 31/01/2025 11:24

Jonnybruss · 31/01/2025 11:13

Possibly. It's all getting put back onto me.

I have even tried explaining that if I had done that the accusations of an affair would have soon followed

Show quote history

The thing is, you are assuming that this is a communication problem. It isn't. It's a 'she doesn't give a shit any more' problem.

You should not have to explain decent human behavour to another adult, and when you find you are doing that, the relationship is already over. You just can't accept it yet, and she is not decent enough to tell you clearly. Probably because you are still convenient to her in come way.

Original poster
Jonnybruss · 31/01/2025 11:27

ItGhoul · 31/01/2025 11:22

Honestly, it sounds to me as if you're being treated badly here. I would be inclined to end the relationship.

In fact, I suspect perhaps she's treating you like shit because she wants you to end the relationship because she's too gutless to do it herself.

Show quote history

Her wanting to end it had crossed my mind.

I just don't belive the too drunk to remember about me waiting to pick her up.

She has been very drunk before that she can hardly type a word without a typo, but she never forgot about me

OP posts:
stampin · 31/01/2025 11:27

Do you have future plans OP? Holidays? Moving in together?

Are you at that stage where you get really serious or it just peters out?

Gcsunnyside23 · 31/01/2025 11:27

ChristmasFluff · 31/01/2025 11:06

Sounds to me like she's stopped caring about your feelings, and is then being manipulative and deflecting when you point out how her behaviour is affecting you.

I mean, fair enough getting drunk and forgetting to text/call, then falling asleep the next day (I's assume she was lying about only 4 pints and was hungover). But then not telling you this weekend's plans when by default you spend the weekends together.... Yeah, she doesn't give a shit.

I'd be preparing to dump her - 3 strikes and all that. I get the feeling the 3rd strike won't be long coming.

Wow did you strain your back with big jump? Yeah she should have gave a heads up she didn't need a lift (that's not standing someone up btw) and she's made plans on Fri which she told him on the Thursday. Who's to say she didn't make the plan that day.

Original poster
Jonnybruss · 31/01/2025 11:28

stampin · 31/01/2025 11:27

Do you have future plans OP? Holidays? Moving in together?

Are you at that stage where you get really serious or it just peters out?

Yes plans are moving in, marriage kids.

OP posts:
ImNoSuperman · 31/01/2025 11:29

Getting a pint at 10pm doesn't result in getting home at 1am. When she had 3 between 6pm and 10pm. A small lie is still a lie.

Another overnight that she just mentioned after this? Sounds like she's met someone else to me.

Gcsunnyside23 · 31/01/2025 11:29

Jonnybruss · 31/01/2025 11:15

☹️ I think it might have broken me already

Show quote history

It's broken you? She stayed out a bit longer last weekend and having a girls night at her mates house this week and then spending the rest of the weekend with you. Honestly op I mean this kindly, you should make plans with your own mates too so your not waiting around on her. But she's doing nothing wrong and if anything you're pushing her away by being so overbearing. Can I ask what age you both are? Not to be rude but to get a better idea of relationship dynamics

Original poster
Jonnybruss · 31/01/2025 11:33

Gcsunnyside23 · 31/01/2025 11:29

It's broken you? She stayed out a bit longer last weekend and having a girls night at her mates house this week and then spending the rest of the weekend with you. Honestly op I mean this kindly, you should make plans with your own mates too so your not waiting around on her. But she's doing nothing wrong and if anything you're pushing her away by being so overbearing. Can I ask what age you both are? Not to be rude but to get a better idea of relationship dynamics

Show quote history

I'm 53 she is 35.

I don't see how I am being overbearing.

As I said I don't put any restrictions on her going out ever.

I'm not telling her she needs my permission.

If she had wanted to go out all night on the Friday that's fine. She was the one that wanted picking up

OP posts:
RoachFish · 31/01/2025 11:33

It sounds like she might be feeling a little claustrophobic in your relationship and it does sound a bit too full on for me too with the expectation of spending every weekend together and it has to be the whole weekend. This last weekend you spend one night with her, and presumably you will do the same this weekend. You say you haven't spent last weekend with her, but you did. Just not Friday-Sunday, but Saturday-Sunday instead.

I think you need to back off a bit if you want this to continue. It could be that she is coming out of the honeymoon phase and she is realising she needs to also keep her friendships alive. It doesn't really mean that she doesn't want to be with you at all, she just wants her weekends to be a bit more balanced, but if you get angry and push her into spending more time with you now she will most likely just retract more.

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