How to Deal with an Overbearing Friend?

[emogs]

I have a friend who revels in being a socialite. What drives me round the bend is her tendency to bombard me with photos and videos on WhatsApp when she is out (especially if there are people there who I know as well). And even if I've ignored her posts on the night, once she's clocked on that I've seen the posts, she'll send me more or make comments about what a great night it was. I don't know whether she does this to make me feel left out or because she really wants to share her enjoyment with me (a bit of both I think, though the former more than the latter maybe!). As she is always bending over backwards not to miss out on anything, another thing she tends to do is invite herself to places, and I know that if she would find out that I was doing something with another friend or friends, she would have no qualms about tagging along (although ironically she has complained to me about other people doing this!). She seems oblivious to the fact that not everyone likes her or that she may seem pushy, and her lack of self-awareness makes it all the more difficult for me to know how to deal with her behaviour, which is, quite frankly, getting me down a lot more than it should!

Turn off the notifications for her messages and don't tell her your plans. Doesn't seem like a problem. If she's getting you down, stop being friends with her.

As we live in the same village and tend to turn in the same social circles it is not that easy to ignore her and she has an uncanny ability to find things out. A group of us had a meeting at the pub to arrange a fundraiser the other night and although I waited until she was talking to someone else before booking a table for the coming weekend she was obviously listening to me with one ear as she asked me about it later, although thankfully she won't be around this weekend otherwise she'd be gatecrashing our night out, no doubt about it! It really is a pain.

Why are you calling her a friend if you find her pushy and lacking in self-awareness?

I think it'd time for a sharp comment. 'Mind your own business!!' etc.

I get how difficult things can be in a small town, but you need to learn to stand up for yourself and use skills to get you out of situations. I moved to a small town and learned the art of - not replying while someone else suddenly did, smiling and waving and then sitting on a completely different table than usual, saying 'well excuse me! I'm not entirely sure how to answer such a question....!!' or getting up and going away - anything really, to keep myself safe. I didn't want to waste my time talking to people that bored me or I didn't like and I had to learn how to respond to chippy behaviour or things that crossed my boundaries.

I recommend it - use any skill you can think of in the moment to keep yourself safe with this lady, and definitely turn off the texts. If she asks, say, 'well you do send so many don't you! and I've been busy lately...'

You owe her nothing and if she irritates you, you need to stand up for your peace of mind. There's always going to be a stone in the road. It is your task to swerve it.

Good question. If we didn't live in the same small place and didn't turn in the same social circles then it would be much easier for me to distance myself from her. She can also be good company (although my OH would disagree!) and is never moody, so she does have some redeeming qualities.

One thing she is not is chippy - in fact she is so thick-skinned that she thinks that my OH (who can't stand her) is being jocular when is in fact he being quite sarky/scathing to her face!

But I do agree that I need to get the message across about the texts etc, although knowing her, if I were to say something like 'I can't keep with all your messages' she would probably respond with a laughing emoji or something like that!

This is a classic "Wendy" situation.

I think she's twigged you for being "nice" so you're now her audience and she's dominating you and trying to take over your life. How long have you known her for?

There's quite a few "extrovert" types like this, they can be ok if you're on the fringes of the group but once they're embedded in your life they're an absolute nightmare, like an abusive partner or bully.

She can see you're too polite to call her out, so now your social life is hers. If you snap and tell her to F**k off then she can play the victim.

Don't underestimate this situation or you may end up being Wendied or forced out of your own friendship group.

Use tactics like @something2say to ease her out. Don't reply to messages, mute, read and reply, don't give her specific information.

Block her if she continues. What's she going to do about it?

I suspect she gives vibes of 'I'm everywhere socially and involved with everyone, if you upset me I'll ruin your life" which may be why you don't want to upset her?

I found when these "extroverts" tried to take over my social life/Wendy me they often got very very nasty when they felt rejected (she might even send messages to your OH or other friends about you).

You need to stand your ground, don't give in. It's good you've got an OH there and on side, who doesn't like her

There'll be LOADS of people she's done the same thing to...

Just grey rock her, focus on other things or other people or your OH, don't rise to the bait or give her information. Can you engineer so you just don't see her in person for a while?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4172589-have-you-ever-been-wendy-d-and-how-have-you-come-out-of-it

Wendying.

I have a friend like this.
Always wants to know what l am doing and who l'm doing it with. If l ignore her messages, she will ask me to my face so l can't avoid answering. So bloody intrusive. And yes l have been Wendy'd by her more than once. She is kind hearted in a way but l feel there's always an ulterior motive - like there is always something in it for her.
Drives me mad.

I've known her for about 30 years now (living in the same village, children the same age, partners even related!) but it's only in recent years that she's started to be more full on, although during Covid she was actually quite good company as we would go cycling together etc and of course she didn't have a busy social life to boast about!

I'm really not worried about being bullied out of our friendship group as we have all known each other for so long, and if she did bitch about me I'm quite sure that they wouldn't pay her much heed (my OH definitely wouldn't take any nonsense from her)! I have in fact witnessed her response to someone (outside the group) who didn't respond as enthusiastically as she hoped to her constant texts etc - 'She's a bit snobby - she only sees you when she wants to' she said, without realising that the other person had confided in me that she found the constant messaging a bit odd and intense, especially as she didn't know her that well.

If she does try to muscle in on my friendships with other people, I would like to be able to try and explain the situation to them without them thinking that I'm the toxic one, if that makes sense, especially as she can come over as very friendly.

But 'grey rock' - that's a good one (had to Google it though!). She's just messaged me now actually, asking me about my son, though I just know if I answer her it will lead on to something else that will be all about her and her amazing life again! Sigh...

This exactly! If they were out and out nasty people if would be easier to ignore them but because there's that element of friendliness it makes it more difficult (and when I have tried to explain this about her to some people they have looked at me as if I'm the bitchy one!)

If you feel she's not going to damage things for you and your social position is established and strong I'd just ignore and do exactly what you want to do.

If she asks about "whatever" just don't reply. Your OH and others (her partner too) probably know what she's like so you don't need to be the fall guy.

I think some people go through life phases when they need lots of attention/validation and need an audience and someone to listen to their stream of consciousness.

It may also be an anxiety/ND thing, where she needs to just let loose on someone in an intense way?

It's really really not your problem, she'll have to find another outlet. If she gets upset she'll have to self-regulate.

This actually reminds me of someone who was at a dinner event I attended.

She was "essentially" polite and there was nothing exactly offensive she did.

but every single aspect of the conversation was steered towards praising herself, or bigging herself up.

Eg - she was asking me how much I worked out, then pointed out her workout routine was better than mine and the gym had asked her to be an instructor 🙄

She wanted to talk about her appearance just like you'd expect an ok looking well dressed 53 year old to look.

She said her husband (who OF COURSE was so attracted to her in her casual clothes) didn't like her getting dressed up and going out.

I wasn't sure if was male jealousy, suspect he didn't want to get caught up in her competitive attention-seeking routine (!).

It wasn't actually damaging just kind of funny and a good night overall, but I would NOT want this individual as my close friend messaging me.

This was a Meetup for new people btw.

We were hardly the most glamorous of audiences!

So I think that the fact that she was a local woman who had to find a new group of randomers to talk AT meant that her old friends were probably a bit sick of her!

While I'm not worried about my position within our old friendship group, I am worried that she is on a mission to gazump some of my other friends, especially prospective ones.

For example, she has made friends with two acquaintances of mine (although admittedly she did know one of the husbands already from his previous marriage) and has been on holiday with both couples respectively (although one of the couples are socialites themselves).

Also, at a recent event, she obviously clocked my quite lengthy conversation with a woman we both know who has asked me and my OH to join herself and her husband on an organised walk. If 'Wendy' finds out about this, she will be on it straight away, saying that she would like to join us, and in case this happens I would like to think of a way to explain her behaviour to the other woman without coming across as bitchy or paranoid! (any suggestions?)

Re. Wendy's husband, he has told my OH that it's wonderful that she is so sociable and good at making friends, so obviously he can't see through her (actually they are very well suited). But yes, she does sound like the woman you mention, just more insidious. And now I've got it out there I'm starting to realise just how creepy the whole situation is!

Grey rock also means putting her on an information diet....give zero details about your plans. If she asks face to face or demands - always be very vague and non commital - 'not sure yet' - never any reasons with a 'No'.

Zero emotional energy in her company - you want her to think you are boring and dull so she leaves you alone.

If you need to test the waters with others and minimise risk of coming across as a bitch / drama queen - you can say something like 'Oh I find her quite intense / confusing / full-on' - enough to raise a flag.

But dont ignore your gut.

Leave it a while before answering, or even reading her messages. Maybe the next day. If she challenges it, then say that you don't always look at your phone immediately. be neutral in your replies " looks like it was a nice evening". Don't volunteer information. Don't ask questions. And if people question it, just say that you don't always have the time to answer Annabel as much as she needs or that you are naturally quieter than her.

@Burish has it, really!

I often do this anyway, but recently, after she'd attended an event where I knew quite a few of the people present, once she'd seen that I'd seen the messages the next day (and before I'd even replied) she sent me even more comments and photos.

I know that she has done this to other people as well, so at least it's not just me. I also know that other people aren't likely to question me about not replying to her or whatever as telling them about it would be an admission of neediness on her part, and she doesn't want to be seen as vulnerable and/or unpopular.

Archive her messages and only respond every couple of days, hopefully she will focus more on someone else, she sounds exhausting but from what I have read not particularly malicious just full on and full of exuberance

If she's this full on and does this to everyone, then hopefully muttering something about 'she's quite intense" will help others who are overwhelmed to quietly back away a bit. It's a warning, in a pleasant way, and will leave them not feeling as isolated in the situation as you are.

She doesn't do it to everyone as I mentioned to a mutual friend that she was messaging me a lot and the friend replied that she rarely messaged her but that she suspected that she had 'her people'.
This is probably true, as 'Wendy's response when I once told her that I was independent and content in my own company (hint hint, not that it worked!) was that she was always meeting up with or messaging somebody or other, saying it as if this was something she was immensely proud about! 😏 But at least I'm not the only one she pesters!

I've now told her that I've muted my messages on WhatsApp for a while as I need a break and she instantly replied saying sorry and apologising if she was being a nuisance. How do I respond to that? Would 'no probs' suffice?

No you don't reply. Just leave it. You have to mean it.

Actually I did reply, mainly because I didn't want that possibly passive aggressive 'sorry if I'm being a nuisance' hovering over me! Although I didn't say what was probably expected of me by telling her that she isn't being a nuisance, I said that my intention had been to explain why I wouldn't be replying to messages during my WhatsApp break, which she replied with a 👍. Maybe I shouldn't have replied, but I felt better afterwards.

I had one like this. Had to put her on an information diet (love that phrase). She dominated the conversation when out with friends too.

Oh yes, and everyone (including people she hardly knows) gets to know all about her and her family, whether they are interested or not🙄
In the past, I have made the mistake of telling her some of my plans or what I've been doing (partly because I wanted to show that I have a social life too - pathetic I know) but from now on, an information diet it will be!