Have you ever been 'Wendy-d' and how have you come out of it ?

[scatteredglitter]

Weirdly think this is happening to me right now with some friends.
No idea how to handle it as it feels so subversive and I feel a bit powerless. Anyone got any advice or experience on how to handle and Wendy ?

Er, what is Wendy?

I have no idea what you mean OP.

Yes I have. A school mum tried to sort of take me over and control me. She asked me where I'd parked and then had an opinion on it. She demanded an itinerary of my day every morning.

Then she started asking herself to things I was doing with my friends and then she started arranging things without me. It was like a weird sport that I hadn't known I was playing.

What I did was arrange to see every friend in the group on a one to one basis and tell them what I felt was happening and because they were my friends they listened to me and were more aware of what was going on. It all worked out fine in the end and she retreated,

Sounds interesting.

I have seen it done to a close friend of mine. It was so odd. Can you talk to other people in your circle of friends to see if they have noticed what you notice? I think you need allies.

In this situation or situations like it, I have concluded that a group of people who allow a Wendy to sabotage an established group member - aren't a group worthy of time anyway

For those asking a Wendy Situation is one where a woman is part of an established group, lets say Mums who meet for Coffee

One member makes a new friend "Wendy"

Wendy invites themselves (or manipulates an invitation) to established group, and from the beginning attempts to ostracise the friend who included them and usurp their place.

A girl called Rachel tried this on me in uni, but any damage she did didn't help her because no one liked her enough

Does it mean someone getting in your social circle when they're not welcome and trying to push you out?

An acquaintance tried this. She targeted me when I was at my lowest, following bereavement and really love bombed me. She then started copying everything from my clothes, likes and hobbies to a point it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. She went through my social media pages and approached all of my friends, trying to ingratiate herself, telling them she was worried about me and attempted to establish closer relationships without me under the guise to create a support network. I am so glad and relieved that my close core of friends were very astute and concerned about this person trying to muscle into my life. They told her in no certain terms that I was one of the strongest people they knew and it was normal to grieve for a while, so there was no need to treat me like some feeble charity case without consulting me directly. It was a real reminder to not ignore any sense of discomfort and red flags, or accepting inappropriate behaviour due to being brainwashed to be kind.

This is fascinating. Is there any reading matter on the phenomenon?

It's happened to me years ago, and I've seen it happen to an acquaintance. In both cases, they first deliberately befriend the target "in" to the Group they want to join, and then slowly and methodically begin the process of edging the target out. The target won't know it's happened until the "temperature changes" and they're suddenly aware that they're out.

In both cases, the Usurper cemented their position by dating a man in the wider Group - both very quickly in serious relationships.

Both Usurpers were both oddly socially awkward (so you felt for them and wanted to help them out) but at the same time cunningly manipulative and able to bring people on side. In retrospect, what seemed like social awkwardness was actually the mask slipping momentarily and one's own feeling of alarm - I suspect such individuals are psychopathic.

Gosh these Wendy women sound psychopathic. I do wonder if the behaviour can be a symptom of certain personality disorders.

@scatteredglitter if you feel it's happening to you, your greatest weapon is being vocal about it. The Wendy strategy depends on the target being silent and insecure enough that they don't speak up. Or at least silent long enough for the Wendy to get close enough to and plant lies in the heads of other people on the friendship group. Tell your friends directly what's happening because it at least puts them on guard in case the Wendy is gossiping lies behind your back. And stop inviting the Wendy to things. Strategically start cutting them out.

Standard narcissist move.

Not exactly the same but has a girl in uni go 'single white female's on me. She made my guy mate into her bf and then when they split up, she asked out a guy I'd just had a date with!

Plus the other things like stealing your hobbies and turning them into a competition ect...

She's just the sort of person that would pull a wendy.

I had this happen as a teen. New girl at school, our moms had met during the summer as they are from the same country. Brought her in to my friend group, and then she befriended an older girl who started hanging around with us, then they bullied me relentlessly, even typed out a big long letter about how awful I was and gave it to me! Teenage girls can be really horrible when they want to be.

My friend group fragmented a bit, but thank Christ my family moved at the end of that school year. Didn't trust female friendships for many years after that. It scares me that this happens to adults as well!

Sorry I never came back to this. Some good advice I guess,
You re right be open and vocal about it.
I m just non confrontational and feel nervous at the thought of a continuous mind game of one upmanship in a friendship
Group. I d rather just step away

Someone tried to do it to me at work with a group of friends I see socially, with partners, quite separately from work. It was really odd. My friends clocked it and blocked it, without any drama.

I've seen the same person try it with others, these types are like cuckoos.

There was a school mum like this at my child's primary school.
She was a very manipulative person.
Caused loads of trouble and I'm sure she enjoyed it.
Speak to the friends individually.

Yes- my life is much better without any of those women in it.

It happened to me at school and was awful. I sat on the sidelines whilst my supposed best friend and two girls discussed weekend plans, sleepovers etc. It was like I was not there, I felt so rejected and overlooked - it traumatised me for years.

I do not have one group of friends and see people individually. No drama, gossip, wendying. So much better than toxic friendship groups.

I had this many years ago in a group of mums. Looking back, they were not real friends but it did hurt at the time as I had hope that we and the children would be in touch for many years.

When I had my second child, one of the mums started being really odd with me, like not replying to my texts, then after a long time, inviting me to do something or asking for childcare. She didn't even get me a present when my second one was born, then gave me something when we met at an another's mum's house for the birth of her new child as it would have been quite embarrassing to give the other mum something and not me. It felt like she was trying to snub me at every opportunity.

I also noticed that a couple of the other mums were a bit odd too. It was all quite hurtful and uncomfortable. I think three of them were definitely talking about me behind my back.

I only kept in touch with one mum from that group, who was a nicer person and I think felt left out too. Looking back, it was just a period of my life and those people were not meant to stay in my life.

When I moved to another area, I made sure I cut all ties with them. I was not interested in playing silly games with them. Unbelievably that people behave like as adults. My advice would be to try to stay in touch with the ones in the group who you feel closer to and who are more decent people and forget about the rest.

If I were you I'd focus my energy on making new friends. Friends that wouldn't succumb to a Wendy.

I did with a group of friends I’d made in my last job. I was there 15 years. We were all colleagues or ex colleagues who met for meals and drinks. Friendly group chat etc.I was ‘Rebeccaed'. She just pushed me out... I was the only one she didn't invite to things. Made me feel uncomfortable when I did join things.. on one occasion she stared at me with real hostility throughout a meal.
Despite being 45 I was just broken by it and retreated. Another woman joined in with it and no one else noticed it was happening. So I just withdrew.
Everyone will tell you Rebecca is lovely! Just delightful.

* @scatteredglitter if you feel it's happening to you, your greatest weapon is being vocal about it. The Wendy strategy depends on the target being silent and insecure enough that they don't speak up.*

^Great advice.

I was, as part of an expat group. All friends, would all meet up together regularly. Met Wendy when she moved in locally. Wendy’s DH worked away a lot. She started get togethers at hers for the mums and toddlers but didn’t invite me, despite me introducing her to everyone. I’m the kind of person who would send out a group text about a park trip or whatever and invariably people would turn up. She targeted her ‘favourites’. Karma got her when she went after the husband of someone else in the group