After infidelity - when did you decide to leave or stay?

[Absolutenoidea]

Found out my husband's infidelity 1.5 months ago and one book I read suggested giving it at least 3 months before deciding to leave or stay in the marriage and how long did it take for you? At the moment my gut tells me to leave because it's too much. Of course either way would be hard but I feel staying in this marriage would require a lot more work than quitting. He is truly remorseful and this was like a wake up call for him as he's been assessing every single thing that has happened to his life and part of me is interested in all this and understands him a lot better but another part of me is thinking who cares, damage is already is done and nothing can undo it.

Plus how do you know when you have healed? It is not like that you wake up one morning and realise you are fully healed. Been reading lots of books, watching lots of Youtube videos, doing individual as well as couples' therapy and I wonder when it gets easier? Guess I am not as angry at him as before, is this a sign of healing? I just get extremely sad and lonely at times. And all those advices, they have their each opinion so I am a little confused about all the mixed messages. Do I have to go through every single thing until I decide which works for me the most? I really wish there was someone telling me what to do, what will happen, what is the best for me etc.

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry your going through such a tough time. All of your feelings are totally valid. The healing process will take as long as it takes, and your husband will have too stand by you while you go through all the motions of greif, knowing that he's done this to you. 1.5 months is super early days, so give yourself credit that your maybe not as far as you thought you would be, finding out about an affair is really traumatic, and turns the world as you know it upside-down and it makes you question everything. I've been here. Eventually, should you decide to stay with your husband, it will become less of a constant thought, and more of a remembering every now and again. No one can tell you what you should do with your marriage, this is your one and only life, this is now for you to decide if you can see yourself happy with this person down the line. It's not an easy choice OP, but I feel this is going to be purely down to how he decides he's going to pick up the peices and regain your trust.

Good luck and hugs OP 🫂 xx

Ducks in a row first OP .
You need to protect yourself in case you can’t reconcile.

in my experience, once you forgive, eventually, they do it again and will assume that you will forgive again. in reality, its never the same, lack of trust and wondering what theyre up to at all times. would never forgive cheating ever again, i deserve better

Most relationships end 2-5 years post discovery. Something as high as 85% I think. There is a reason for that.

I'm nearly 2 years after i found my evidence, we are still together, I still think about it. I love him but not in the same way as before. I chose to stay because at that time the though of starting again made me break.

I was a knackered shell of a woman doing everything while my husband had it all!!!
He has shown regret/ remorse - they all do once caught. His actions have backed up what he has said.

I know a number of divorced people and not all of them happy. I am fully aware the grass isn't greener & I don't want to throw away nearly 30 years.

We are 50/50 I have been reborn, I have lost weight, gained my life back and regained confidence. I could walk away tomorrow and I still might...

I have seen people here refer to the Affair Recovery industrial complex and I can see why.
There are now tons of experts whose careers rely on telling people that if they do xyz penance and analysis and forebearing from doing what their instincts say then their marriages can be saved. All of their advice seems to me to massively oversimplify.
The general advice in advice columns on staying with a partner / not varies hugely depending on whether the couple has children or not.
The “think of the children” split.

For me it would come down to my tolerance threshold - how I would feel if my husband had another affair? Could I survive that?

If I felt I was relying on promises from the adulterer that might not be worth anything or on stalking my partner’s phone whenever they went out - just to be sure - or on some random “affair expert’s view” I don’t think I could do it.

I packed his bags on finding out. I was unhappy already and had my stuff sorted.
Two young dcs and a mortgage. I bought him out by remortgaging the house. I was working ft and it was a struggle. It's paid off now.

I left the day I found out, but I was not that invested tbh

It is very early days, there is no rush to do anything.
I spent the first 6 months going between staying and going.

When it came down to it, i am happier with my (very remorseful) husband. We'd been together 30 years and he had a 6 week affair.
I believe he won't do it again and we have a future together.
Staying requires work though, I rarely think of it 2 years later, and am happy with my decision.
Only you know if you want to try, but you are very early on.

I caught husband having cheated mid August (read a message on his phone after serious red flags in his behaviour) and left in November dangerously close to a breakdown.😔

We were together 26 years, 16 married and have a 6 year old. Why did I leave? He broke my heart, shattered my world, and it nearly cost me my mental health. I was so devastated, so broken, so shocked and rocked to my core, I wasn't taking care of our daughter's emotional wellbeing. He didn't show any remorse to start, he was cold and indifferent, and it was only when I started formulating a plan to leave did his behaviour change - not all of good, and some of it downright scary.

I left because for me everything was gone, thrown away and discarded by him cheating (I'd warned him where his friendship was headed and reiterated to him cheating was an absolute end of marriage for me, and he did it any way). 😭😭

I'm in therapy and still broken, but I hope at some point I'll stop asking myself what I did wrong, did to deserve it, what I could have done differently or not done, to stop it from happening. Fact is, my head knows the answer to all of those is nothing because he was going to do what he wanted and neither I or our family or our life together, was a factor. 😢

Don't make any rash decisions, feel what you feel and take care of yourself - all of this is incredibly hard. X

@LastOfTheWinterWine I'm 7 years down the line and could have written the same in all aspects and no I don't think you ever feel quite the same again - if someone expects to 100% feel the same and fully healed as such I think they should leave, because the chances are you won't - you see them in a new light- and in my case it's always in the back of your head- you simply don't think about it constantly or let it affect your day to day .

It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity so I'm afraid you've just started.

You don't have to make a decision, he broke your marriage vows, you can go at any point, even years later. You can apply a watch and wait strategy to see if this change he speaks of will actually happen.

I know a few people who have stayed together. They talk of acceptance (not forgiveness) and how they are happy with their choice. It most definitely changes how you view your spouse but that's not always a bad thing.

Your choice needs to be centred on what make YOU happiest. Not other people and certainly not him.

I'd go to surviving infidelity website for ongoing support. They are amazing. Posters there will help you unpick all of this whatever you decide.

Good luck

I had a conversation with him the evening I discovered but knew I wasn't going to reconcile. I kicked him out two days later.

And I'd do it again.

I wouldn't even consider staying with someone who'd cheated on me.

But you need to do what is right for you.

It is hard, I am so sorry. Take some comfort that he is remorseful. Mine lied about it and carried on after I knew. He was angry and never wanted to talk about it. Your mind eventually stops getting triggered but takes a while.

I think it’s unhelpful to compare yourself to other people. Some women can make a decision to divorce immediately and stick by it, whereas other people are paralysed by the stress and trauma, so can’t do anything major and might need to just sit it out for a while and take a breather. There is no shame being in the second category. I was!
You have a lot to process but it will all become clearer. You don’t have to leave straight away. Do what suits you x

I was also very much in this second category, still am as can't seem to go ahead with divorce😔 I know we're not getting back together but for some reason unknown to me, I can't divorce.

Today I've been in floods of tears again too🙄😢

Hope you have a good weekend x

Hmm. It depends on how you feel, OP. The above is true ime too, but once can be 'forgiven'; twice it's time to leave.

Personally, I would advise doing a lot more digging and seeing what you can trawl from your memories and frankly, a little snoop work to see if this IS the ONLY occasion. Only you can make the call on this.

Are there other indications such as wanting marriage counselling, being entirely open about where he's going/who with etc? My anger towards one of my ex's meant that we couldn't resolve matters and separated for 6 months. Lo and behold, after I'd paid attention for those 6 months to see if he'd 'behaved' and I felt calmer, some time passed...I felt funny, dig some digging again and he's dlept with an escort the night before we were due to meet to discuss reconciliation: one last 'fling', the bastard.

Watch, wait. It is hard at times to know whether a gut feeling is paranoia, tbh. But because I'm now a lot older, my gut is almost always right. Bide your time if you need to to make the right decision for YOU.

I second I found out he was gone. I'm not joking. I know myself and that's not something I can accept. The blatant disregard of my feelings, knowing they don't care about me the way I do them plus there's noway I want to live that kind of life. I'm not knocking people who do try as it's incredibly difficult.

Life really is too short to sign up for long term misery. I knew it would hurt like hell at first and it did. But a few months down the line I was completely free. He's now been married and is now divorcing and shacked up with one of his new OW.

I'm married to a great guy and he's honestly my best friend. We are planning children. But I can tell you if I found out my now husband cheated he would be gone too. I won't tolerate it.

Simple: you never heal. The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies, only from the one you love.

What did your husband do to show he was truly remorseful?

Honestly you will never fully heal. What he has done has changed your relationship forever. You might be able to get to a stage where you can put it away in a box and not look at it, but it will always be there. Sometimes logistically the reasons to stay can outweigh the reasons to leave, but only you know whether you can live with what he’s done buried in the middle of your marriage for the rest of your life. It’s not easy and it can eat away at you. Remember this is not your fault and do what is best for you and your mental health. We all deserve to have peace of mind and living without it is awful.

I have said before I am very wary of the multi million pound reconciliation industry. Betrayed spouses feverishly devour the content with the hope their marriage might be better than ever like some of it suggests.

I think we need to reframe how we look at infidelity. It’s not just an act of betrayal but calculated emotional abuse. Lying, gaslighting, smearing the spouse. There’s often engineered arguments to justify it and exploitation of the fact some women cannot financially leave.

Theres no other industry that encourages you to work with your abuser, to trust someone who is untrustworthy, and to explain away ongoing emotional abuse by navel gazing about someone’s childhood. Joint counselling is not recommended where there is emotional abuse and therapists keep quiet about the high risk of ending up in a fake reconciliation.

The more you read reconciliation material the more confused you’ll get, that is the nature of it. Instead remove the infidelity label and ask yourself if it’s in your best interest to stay with a liar.

Everyone is different, what they need and want in terms of actions to show remorse is again different. Me, I wanted him to acknowledge what he'd done - he couldn't say it out loud, even when I asked, he wanted to know why he needed to say it. I wanted him to see how much he'd hurt me, how worthless he'd made me feel and the life I'd built with him. I wanted him to do those things by sitting with me in the discomfort of my hurt, I wanted him to show me his soft side, to hold me and say he was sorry... Not once did he ever do any of those things. He didn't centre anything around me and me healing, whatever form that took and I needed, it was all just about him and how much pain he was in, what he would lose if I left.

I hated being told this but... No one can tell you what to do, it has to come from you and be about you. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's devastating and agonising, numbing at times too.

Sending you a hug x

I'm almost two years down the line and it feels like my heart breaks on repeat every day. I adored my husband, I felt like it was a love story. What he did to me is the stuff of nightmares. Our 11yr old daughter had only woke up from a coma month earlier. She couldn't even walk and was in nappies.

This x