After infidelity - when did you decide to leave or stay?

[Absolutenoidea]

Found out my husband's infidelity 1.5 months ago and one book I read suggested giving it at least 3 months before deciding to leave or stay in the marriage and how long did it take for you? At the moment my gut tells me to leave because it's too much. Of course either way would be hard but I feel staying in this marriage would require a lot more work than quitting. He is truly remorseful and this was like a wake up call for him as he's been assessing every single thing that has happened to his life and part of me is interested in all this and understands him a lot better but another part of me is thinking who cares, damage is already is done and nothing can undo it.

Plus how do you know when you have healed? It is not like that you wake up one morning and realise you are fully healed. Been reading lots of books, watching lots of Youtube videos, doing individual as well as couples' therapy and I wonder when it gets easier? Guess I am not as angry at him as before, is this a sign of healing? I just get extremely sad and lonely at times. And all those advices, they have their each opinion so I am a little confused about all the mixed messages. Do I have to go through every single thing until I decide which works for me the most? I really wish there was someone telling me what to do, what will happen, what is the best for me etc.

A faithful mindset usually leads to faithful intentions.

Im sorry this has happened to.you OP.

I left after 4 months. When I found out he was still seeing her (despite telling me over and over again that he had cut all contact).

Something inside me shifted and I honestly couldn't stand him being any where near me.

I knew then that there was no comimg back. I realised that in a nutshell he didn't care about me let alone love me as he was still lying and deceiving me.

The first few months were tough, but ive never been happier.

Good Luck.

I 'tried' for 2 years, but in the end I just couldn't 'get over it' or relax in our relationship knowing he had my back & 'was there' for me.

I had said something or asked something and he blew a gasket saying he just wanted to forget about it ! Put the whole thing to bed! He was fed up of going over things/me bringing it up etc. he wanted to 'put it to bed'. I saw red & said that the whole problem was that he had put her to bed!!🤬

separating was very very hard as we had a business together & he actually screwed me there too.

i should have just ended it when I found out.

the thing that MOST upsets me is how much it changed ME.

my close friend stayed with her DH, well took him back after he went to lube with the OW & it didn't work out. All their family & friends etc knew & it wasn't easy, but many years later. They're retired & living a great life, happy.

so there really isn't one right answer, but just do what you think is right for you. Not anyone else!

it's shit, I'm so sorry you're going through this xx

I am also 7 years in, and I agree with this. In some ways, I wish I had left, and I think I would have left if I had known 7 years ago what I know today. There have been a long series of decisions to stay over the years, so the decision for me has never been done and dusted, but that is me. I wish you much more honesty and decisiveness in your life, whatever you decide.

I left after two months finding out there was ‘something happening’ and immediately on discovering that what he was claiming was not fully sexual had been fully sexual. My life is immensely better as a result- not just in having a far more wonderful new partner. But having had the freedoms to explore and transform myself, and also losing a toxic mother in law! But I know separation can be a hard road for some (and it was for me for the first 18 months).

OP, most people who come on here in this situation seem to be asking with the hope that people will say it’s possible to get better. But you sound to be like you are actually wanting to be told it is fine to leave.

so if that is it, then yes it is totally fine to leave. And you can do it at any point. Your husband is totally responsible and has messed everything up. It doesn’t matter if he is remorseful or if you are part through some big therapy journey. You can decide you are not doing it anymore now or in a month or in three years.

I guess one way to think of it, is to accept that your next 18 months at least is going to be disrupted, and painful regardless of your decision to stay or go- either through separation, moving out, divorce— or through trying to reconcile and forgive. (I agree with others that 1.5 months is absolutely nothing unfirtunately). The question is after those 18 months do you want to be in a lifelong relationship with this person, or do you want to be free, with a blank canvas?