Scared to make new female friends because of husband

[Leahxxxx]

Hi, I’m wondering if anyone else has this problem, or if I could get some advice please.

I’ve been with my husband a long time. He’d always been very respectful towards me, never spoke of another woman etc. Then a couple of years ago things completely changed.

A young guy started working for him, and his attitude suddenly changed. He suddenly started talking about other women, on television or people we knew. Telling me who he thought was attractive and so on. This got worse and worse until he was telling me how attractive my friend was, how he’d fancied her for years and would love for us to have a threesome with her.

I was so shocked, and I basically gave him an ultimatum, to stop it or I would leave him. He said he was only messing around etc but I didn’t like it at all.

He has got a lot better now, even though he will still make the odd comment about an attractive woman on television. The problem is now, I’m worried about making new friends incase he ‘fancies’ them or makes comments about them.

I’ve always been really social and we both used to hang out with big groups of friends, but I’ve found myself not doing that since his behavior.

He promises me he won’t ’act up’ or make any comments etc if we get back to how we used to be ( hanging out with groups of friends ), but I just don’t know if I can take the comments if he does start up again.

The guy who worked for him was a lot younger ( more than 10 years ), so I feel maybe he was showing off, trying to act young in front of him, and it got out of hand. I really don’t know. The guy works alone mainly now so my husband barely sees him, which has coincided with his improved behavior.

He will 100% cheat on you. If he hasnt already.

My ex was the same suddenly after a new guy at work started arranging work nights out. He was shagging coworkers and their extended friend groups

Do you fear he would cheat ?
just fancy them ?
or embarrass you with comments ?

are you sure you want to stay in this marriage ?

That’s very immature for him to go along with this younger idiot.

You’ve given him an ultimatum and he got better.

Maybe initiate a discussion about how hurtful it was and remind him that he wouldn’t like it if you commented on other men etc.

Remind him of your ultimatum and add in that if he does it in a forthcoming social gathering you will leave immediately.

Best of luck

You can’t stop how he feels or isolate yourself because of his behaviour.

If he’s going to cheat it won’t just be because you put woman in front of him.

Make it clear to him the consequences if that does happen but work on your own self esteem/ confidence & friendships.

Enjoy life and make friends without the man dragging you down.

I'm sure none of your future friends would want to be around the lech of a husband, anyway, so no need to inflict him on them.

You will never be able to trust him again. He sounds pathetic.

Sorry OP I think the relationship has reached a dead end.

Doesn’t this give you the complete ick? The fact that you now need to manage him, so that nothing inappropriate happens I.e staying away from your female friends, do you think it’s right that you will doing that for most probably the rest of your life?

Please don't stop yourself making friends. You may be grateful for a support network in the future.

They don't have to meet him, but if you're really worried at some point you could always quietly say 'I would introduce you to my spouse, but for the fact he gets a bit silly around my friends.'

I know you shouldn't have to play dirty, but sadly his idiocy has put you in this unsettling position.

Your husband aping his younger colleague - well, it doesn't exactly make your husband look good, does it?

Harking after his youth, impressionable, frankly gullible - not much of an adult, is he? I'd be worried he'd do a Gwyn Evans / Greg Davies and say something completely unacceptable because - 'banter'.

"He promises me he won’t ’act up’ or make any comments etc if we get back to how we used to be ( hanging out with groups of friends ), but I just don’t know if I can take the comments if he does start up again."
How has he reacted to your loss of trust in him?

You can't see existing or make new female friends because you fear your husband will want to have sex with them?

Would you want this for your daughter?

I don’t think he would cheat. I just don’t want him ‘fancying’ another woman and making comments etc. The friend he said he fancied before, is the complete opposite of his ‘usual type’ so I was really surprised when he mentioned her. Before I may of had a rough idea of who he’d be into, now I have no idea.

Yeah this behaviour is way too normalised these days. Honestly you should go off on one about how you'd love to shag his best friend and see how he reacts. Any reaction other than a sincere apology for his behaviour is a red flag.

Have you asked him exactly what this shit house behaviour was about and how he expects you to feel about it? I think it merits that discussion if you're staying together.

I had an ex who did this… mentioned having a threesome… I said I’m relieved you’ve brought this up… I’ve been wanting one… watched his little face light up then told him I would want it to be with his best friend 😆😆😆 that he was stunning the happy little look fell right off his face… I was over him the instant he said it, so gross… but enjoyed denting his ego before I said my goodbyes

You're trying to protect women you've not even met yet from your husband because you're (rightly) worried about his behaviour. Huge red flag.

Even if he's not saying things like that, he's still thinking them.

For the people suggesting that she ogles other men to make her partner jealous...

The guy will probably just suggest a threesome with them...

With a dh like that you really need some good friends!

Chances are he will have cheated already. Got away with it and become complacent which now he's had a telling about, he's tightened his belt as to what to say around you.

You can make new friends and enjoy their company without involving your husband.
You need to be firm with him about how his behaviour towards you and other women has badly aggressive how you feel about relationship.
It's up to you whether you want to stay with him. Only you can make that decision.

You've given up the wrong thing - you shouldn't be limiting your social life to manage the man. He's not worth it.

Go back to socialising and dump him if he behaves poorly.

I'd be Immensely concerned if she contemplated fighting fire with fire, or lowered her standards, playing games of tit for tat-He might well presume it's perfectly fine because, after all, he could quite simply justify, that she's guilty of the same 😥Consequently building a rod for her own back, at the very least 🙏

So immensely true

Wow brilliant. I don't think I'd have the presence of mind to say this on the spot even having heard it! Amazing. You are a witty wonder.

I think you're right he won't cheat (you know him better than any of us) but is there such a thing as male menopause, midlife crises? Watching too much 2.5 men and thinking women don't mind? Hope it passes and he gets over the lad mentality again. It sounds like you've had a vg relationship up until these things.