My mother makes me ill

[Iknowitsowhydontiacceptit]

I've known this for a while.

For many years, I've blamed myself - I haven't done myself any favours with messing up several times in my life and causing a strain on our relationship.

Growing up, she was smothering, but gave the impression of being very hands on, loving and emotionally invested in us, but it never rang true. For all the 'love you's I still felt unloved.
I just simply cannot pinpoint exactly what she did that made me uncomfortable; I was never hit or shouted at. Both my parents were quiet.

Have my own kids now and realise what unconditional love should be like. She has lots of friends who think she's wonderful - I'm the only one that finds her difficult and unsafe it seems.

Have read lots of books on emotionally distant and narcissistic mothers, but still seem to blame myself..

I panic and feel ill if she calls me, and it impacts the rest of my day, seeing her is worse. I feel allergic to her. Have had lots of therapy and tried to find strategies to help, but she can still get to me.
No matter what else I've accomplished in my life, I can't seem to get a handle on this, emotionally.

Would love to go no contact but can't for the next 2-3 years (long story), so would love some advice on making it through to the other side.

I get annoyed with myself because I've researched so much on this -and hopefully I'm not stupid- yet I can't make sense of it..
Sorry for waffling.

Ditto.

I actually feel dizzy if I listen to her for too long.

She talks non stop and 90% of it is veiled (or overt!) criticism of people who are her friends or relatives.

Once I was driving her somewhere and I thought I would hold back on saying a word until she asked me a direct question or until she stopped talking. She didn't stop for 45 minutes.

What is she doing?

Why the 2/3 years are you living with her or is she providing childcare?

You may well find your relationship improves when you have more space and aren't reliant on her if either of those conditions above apply.

Op there’s so much there, I’ll be honest, nobody, possibly not even you, will ever know why you feel this way, or why you’re the only one who doesn’t see her as a loving mum. I have 4 sons, one craves hugs, the other HATES them, really really doesn’t appreciate or approve of them. Everyone is different. Maybe her type of love wasn’t what you needed, you needed something else that she didn’t lock on to and couldn’t understand. I was say the reading material might not suit your personality, the blaming of yourself which probably isn’t necessary because who doesn’t make mistakes? as these books make you read into everything you’ve ever done and can be very negative- sometimes written by people who’ve had very different problems (I’ve worked in bookshops and am a book blogger and have read a lotttt of self help books, and at times was shocked at the negative ideologies and the constant blame attitude).

The two to three years doesn’t seem fair on your mother or you, I rarely agree with going nc, but having a date for it seems a bit tough tbh

I was also going to ask why you cannot go no contact for the next 2-3 years. That will just give your smother mother another 2-3 years to further abuse you (and in turn your kids because she is harming them in not too dissimilar ways as to how you’ve been harmed). If you live with her move out asap.

Where is your dad here: I ask only as he is not mentioned.

She is not an emotionally safe enough person to be around anyway as you have clearly seen. You also have to let go of any and all hope that she will change because she will not. It’s also not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking.

Your mother op has made you feel
like this and she has no guilt or remorse over how you have been treated. She’s also installed the fear obligation and guilt buttons in you. You’ve also received the Special Training to put her with you dead last. She was a terrible mother to you when you were a child and she’s likely to be just as awful as a grandmother picking favourites and scapegoats or over valuing or under valuing the grandchildren.

Do you have siblings: if so are they treated differently?.

Narcissists have made the terrible choice not to love.

How is the mother abusing OP? I find abuse is a very strong word used way too often on here.
OP may just be a completely different personality to her mother and they have never been able to see eye to eye.

Growing up, she was smothering, but gave the impression of being very hands on, loving and emotionally invested in us, but it never rang true. For all the 'love you's I still felt unloved.
I just simply cannot pinpoint exactly what she did that made me uncomfortable; I was never hit or shouted at. Both my parents were quiet.

It sounds like her mum did everything possible to make OP feel loved, in fact OP found it 'smothering', another person may have found it comforting. For all the 'I love you's' OP still felt unloved......it sounds like the mum tried damn hard to make OP happy and feel loved but it just didn't translate.

Op mentioned going bc in 2/3 years time, the latter detail was missed out.

Think for yourself here.

If anyone is character assassinating the op it is the posters who are undermining the op herself because their childhood experience was not like their own so it’s unknown to them. I certainly never advocate people to disown their families either. I advocate for people to get away from their abusers be it a romantic partner or a relative.

But you are the only one on this occasion that's sees any abuse?
The OP herself didn't mention abuse, what she has done is 'research' a problem she can't quite put a finger on even with therapy.
There is nothing at all to suggest abuse unless OP comes out with the Niagra falls of drip feeds.

Thank you for all the replies.
Wow..there's a lot there.

I don't rely on my mother for childcare or accommodation, I'm totally independent from her (as I should be at my age!). She's not really interested in helping me/interested in my life at all (and that's okay - her prerogative). Usually when she calls it feels strategic - either boasting about something or criticising me subtly. It feels like there's a distinct objective if that makes any sense at all!

A lot of what you said Attila strikes a chord. My sister is the favourite, and my mother likes it most when people don't get on with each other in the family, but still get on with her.

My Dad died a few years ago.

I get that Scrodinger, my signal dropped the other day when she was mid flow, and I was hugely relieved..

And that is precisely why this particular type of abuse is so difficult to recognise; the clue here is the word OPs uses - smothering. These types of women do not make for being good mothers as they see their child as an extension of them. People do rightly expect their mother and father to be kind and loving and so it is horrible when it is not the case.

Your mother does not make you feel unsafe though does she?. You don't feel panicked and ill if she calls you do you?. It is not the OP at fault here; it is her mother.

I get that stayathomer, I often go down a rabbit hole of self-help books in the belief I'll find the 'answer'. Sometimes they help, and sometimes I'm left more confused than before I started

Stop answering the phone/door to her.
Stop visiting her.
It's simple - you don't have to deal with anyone who makes you feel this way.
As you don't rely on her for childcare or accommodation, I struggle to see any reason why you can't just address the situation immediately.

Thank you Attila.

I felt love from my Dad, he was a very different parent. It felt like fake love from my mum, like an empty kinder egg, very superficial. Like I'm on a knife edge - a wrong move and it crumbles.
I'm not sure if that makes any sense whatsoever!!!

Thank you Cynic. Our situation is complicated, but no childcare thankfully!

Odd question but do you think she loved you in a style that she enjoyed even though you didn't?

My own upbringing dm was very loving but only in a way that she needed. So forcing my to kiss her hello and goodbye on school drop offs when I clearly actively hated it shed imply "I need it"

Her way of doing things (including love) was The Right Way and no I can't be an introvert, I'm just a rude teen (eg for not wanting to sit around her and all her friends so she could show what a lovely mum she is).

Possibly Jim, I think she wanted me to be a certain way, and do certain things with my life, and when I didn't that was hard for her.

In her mind, I'm sure she feels/thinks she loves me very much (she has said she does), that's why it's been such a mind f*#k as I've never felt it from her.
But I'm understanding more now..thank you everyone.

You have difficulty being around her because your nervous system goes on high alert waiting for an attack and it drains your batteries. Unfortunately our nervous systems still respond to our parents as they saw them when they were a small child, and this crazy adult was going to harm them or overwhelm them. Part of healing will be accepting that you are now an adult and can keep yourself safe.

Have you read any books by Alice Miller? She writes a lot about this sort of Mother, they might resonate with you. Good luck and trust your feelings, it is possible you were raised not to and now you are having a revolt against that!

Thank you happy and colourbrain.

I feel exactly that every interaction - on high alert..and waiting to be attacked.
Going to read up on Alice Miller tonight, thank you.

This. This is exactly what happens.
I'm in the same situation, OP. You've described perfectly well the feelings of so many people.

Keeping contact to the bare minimum and always checking with my safe people is what I do. Verbalising what I'm feeling or thinking to them. I wish I could have more practical strategies, but that's part of my problem.

What I find really discouraging is that whenever someone, like you, comes and opens her or his heart to share deeply troubling feelings (crazymaking ones, at that) in search of solidarity and companionship, there's always a comment (or many) that brazenly discredits your own experience. The utter ignorance and complete lack of theory of mind astonishes me and, tbh, triggers me because I grew up with an extreme version of that.
All this to say: you are obviously not alone, nor imagining things or exaggerating them. You are not hypersensitive nor self-centered. What I think is that you should protect yourself from this kind of input that is clearly not born out of a humble and respectful curiosity.

What age is she op. I went low contact suits me fine. It gets quite draining. I do visit i just keep it short

I know what you mean, OP, and it's so hard to make sense of. I know all the theory, have done for years, but have struggled so very much to give myself permission to stop feeling responsible for my mother and her unhappiness. I have inched towards forgiving myself for not being good enough for her, and finally with some counselling reached a point very recently when I realised "I'm done". I am no longer going to carry on trying to please her, I've done enough.

One of the books I found most helpful was Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and Bethany Websters work. Then when I went to counselling I was clear that I wanted to work on my relationship with my mum. It hasn't taken many sessions to really feel things shift, because I was ready to change I think.

I wish you well, OP. It's such a painful, shame filled experience, having an unhappy relationship with our mother.