My mother makes me ill

[Iknowitsowhydontiacceptit]

I've known this for a while.

For many years, I've blamed myself - I haven't done myself any favours with messing up several times in my life and causing a strain on our relationship.

Growing up, she was smothering, but gave the impression of being very hands on, loving and emotionally invested in us, but it never rang true. For all the 'love you's I still felt unloved.
I just simply cannot pinpoint exactly what she did that made me uncomfortable; I was never hit or shouted at. Both my parents were quiet.

Have my own kids now and realise what unconditional love should be like. She has lots of friends who think she's wonderful - I'm the only one that finds her difficult and unsafe it seems.

Have read lots of books on emotionally distant and narcissistic mothers, but still seem to blame myself..

I panic and feel ill if she calls me, and it impacts the rest of my day, seeing her is worse. I feel allergic to her. Have had lots of therapy and tried to find strategies to help, but she can still get to me.
No matter what else I've accomplished in my life, I can't seem to get a handle on this, emotionally.

Would love to go no contact but can't for the next 2-3 years (long story), so would love some advice on making it through to the other side.

I get annoyed with myself because I've researched so much on this -and hopefully I'm not stupid- yet I can't make sense of it..
Sorry for waffling.

I agree with every single word of this. I didn't grow up with this kind of mother/family but I have close friends who did and it is entirely clear to me hearing this that something is seriously wrong. A normal, healthy mother doesn't make their children feel sick, feel alert or on edge. It's unthinkable to me!

I can only conclude that the people quick to criticise the OPs of posts like this are people like the OP's mother who recognise themselves and are getting triggered.

Please listen to your own body OP and the advice of PPs who have been through something similar. Maybe look into getting some therapy as the wounds caused by mothers like this run really deep.

Sending you so much love ❤️.

I have a difficult relationship with my mother and she definitely has the ability to stir up strong emotions in me if I don't manage my interactions with her. She likes routine and throughout my childhood she rang her own mother every Sunday morning when my grandmother was back from church and I now do this too.

I ring her at the same time every Sunday and that predictability has brought me some calm. She knows when she is next going to speak to me and it stops her getting spiky with me or complaining that I 'never call', when I do. I can save up one or two stories from my week in case she asks me about myself. It gives me a sense of control. It's a small thing but it's helped me. I am prepared for her on Sunday mornings instead of never knowing when or how the next contact will go.
Might fixed regular arrangements with her help?

Thank you Whatyousee, that's incredibly reassuring (that I'm not mad..!) and kind.
My husband is brilliant with this - he can see it, which does help..but I'm still prone to questioning myself.

Knowing that others have the same thoughts and feelings about their mothers makes me feel so much less alone in this, though I feel for everyone who does experience it! I do need to protect myself going forwards.

She's just turned 70 Mary, not sure this sat very well with her.
I remembered something today that I'd totally forgotten about. I brought a boyfriend home when I was about 22, and later, he admitted to me she'd been flirting with him..I remember being utterly confused and disbelieving of this, but when I think back, I can see it now..

Thank you Pams, you've done so well. I'm looking forward to feeling 'I'm done'. I don't think (hope) I'm a million miles away. And thanks also for the recommendations.

Thank you Brunette ❤will listen to my body - it's reacting that way for a reason!
I'm going to look at further therapy, feeling far more hopeful and positive now.

And thank you Sandrenals, sorry to hear that. I think in time I might, but even that at the moment will feel difficult...

Thank you to everyone for sharing your own experiences 💐

I agree with everything @AttilaTheMeerkat and @WhatUSeeIsWhatUGet said, and others who went through similar. Anyone who hasn’t been through it, and has or had a relatively normal relationship with their mother, can’t begin to understand how it feels. On these threads there are always people trying to explain away the mother’s behaviour as benign or “she loves you in her way”, invalidating our experiences.
If someone has a visceral negative reaction to being with a parent, the issue is the parent.

My mother died a few years ago. I had gone very LC, then NC but by then she had dementia and didn’t know who I was. Don’t let anyone guilt trip you with “but she’s your mother!” Or “One day she’ll be gone, you’ll never forgive yourself”. They’re talking about themselves and their normal mothers, not about you. I did not feel guilty.

I remember very clearly how it felt to drive away from her house after a visit: feelings of relief, freedom, escape, like suddenly being freed from an airless place and being able to breathe fresh air.

Yes, very well put, thank you!
I too feel the same feeling of lack of fresh air you mention.
How sad (and how conflicting, when I became a mother myself), to have this sensations imprinted in my body by my own mother.

OP. I have been going through exactly the same with my Mother. I had to step away and have minimal contact due to the way she is. I am a grown woman in my fifties with three beautiful DC's but at times i just felt this sadness. When I visit her I come away feeling like I have done something wrong but I realise it isn't me, it is the way she is. She has never had any maternal feelings towards me. My parents were very young when they had me. I have younger siblings who are 10 and 14 years younger then me and they are treated very differently. We are close but my Mother has tried to caused drama between me and my Dsis but thankfully she knows it is my mother just being her. I could write a book but the turning point for me was when I had my own Dc's and I would never make them feel like I have felt all through my life. That i am not good enough.
I was always there for my parents at a drop of a hat, helped out etc. If they needed me I would be around. She is a jealous person and hates the fact I am close with my MIL but it doesn't mean I have replaced her. I told her I love her and I only have one mum, but it goes through one ear and out of the other so I resigned myself with getting on with my own life and to be happy.

Lots of things have happened over the years but the three things that hurt and the turning point was, she isnt nice to my DS's. No reason for it but they are treated differently to my nieces and nephews.

I lost my Baby boy 15 years ago after he was born. He lived for a little while but died after a few hours. I was devastated and just needed a hug from my Mother. After a couple of weeks of being out of hospital, I popped round to see her. I don't know what I expected but obviously I wasn't myself. I just wanted a cup of tea. I sat down at the table and she said, why are you bringing the mood down, if you are going to be like this, then go home. I wasn't crying, just a bit quiet. It was two weeks since he died and the nastiness of her tone has always stayed with me.
She blames my Granparents ( Her parents who have died) for putting nasty seeds in my head about her and this is why we haven't got a Daughter/Mother relationship. It is nonsense. I spent alot of time with my Granparents when I was growing up and they were beautiful people. They loved my Mother and not once spoke badly of her to me. My parents have not helped me once with my DC's, I never expected them to but she will bring this up when I very occasionally see her but they have helped my Dsis and Dbro with my nieces and nephews all the while. They helped put so much my dsis could build her career. It has never bothered me but deep down I knew I had to step away from it all.
Since having minimal contact, I feel lighter, in control. I don't feel guilty. Nothing will change. Do I wish things were different, yes of course but I have the chance to be the Mother i never had to my Dc's. I wish you a happy life ahead of you with your own family. Sorry for the long post, but you aren't along OP.

Wow…..I don’t mean to derail but reading this thread has just brought more comfort than any book or person has before. OP and others, I get you all. I also completely understand the comments made by those with healthy upbringings, because unless you have lived it you can never understand. I’ve tried explaining my relationship with my mother to people for years, being made to feel the bad guy because she’s not invited for Christmas or I’ve had to keep things a secret from her to avoid the shitty comments and criticism. To the outside world my mother is a saint, and since my father passed very unexpectedly she has certainly ramped it up. Listing the reasons why our relationship is the way it is always comes out as petty or that I’m being dramatic where in reality my mother has become a master at the art of death by a thousand cuts. I actually wish she would just do something truly awful, devastatingly awful so that I would finally have a defining moment to go NC.

its exhausting, you’re not alone. The panic when her name flashes up on the phone, even just opening a message as its contents are totally unpredictable. The cutting comments and put downs swiftly followed by a sickly display of affection to gaslight you. Playing you off against siblings, only revelling in misery. I feel on high alert in her presence, going through the motions and hiding every emotion until she leaves. I hate it. I don’t know how to make it better for me so I’m afraid I can’t offer advice there, only solidarity that everything you feel is real and valid.

What a brilliant post, Keepsmiling: I genuinely admire your ability to put into words the "vagueness" of this experience. Solidarity 💚

There are lots of books, as all of you probably will know, about the topic. One recent one caught my eye because of my visceral reaction to the title: "Mother hunger". I felt a "yes, that's precisely it". Haven't read it yet, but saw an interview with the author (I think she's american?) and she gets it. Anyway, sorry for derailing too. But see @Iknowitsowhydontiacceptit: you are most definitely not alone 🙏

I wonder if your mother is faking her feelings towards you, and performing what mothers are supposed to look like, and you're picking up on that?

If you have to get through 3 years of contact I recommend you look into 'grey rock and yellow rock', which are protective communication techniques.
Another technique is 'disinterested scientist', where you imagine you are like a scientist who is studying the person, their communication and behaviours. It allows you to put some emotional distance between you and their behaviour. Play a game where you try to guess what they are going to say next, or what their next move will be.

www.onemomsbattle.com/blog/implementing-yellow-rock-communication-when-co-parenting-with-a-narcissist

@Keepsmiling2948 That has reminded me of something that’s a real trigger for me (in the genuine sense of the word, i.e. a reawakening of a previous trauma). The sound of an old fashioned landline phone. It brings back her talking at me for an hour or more on the phone, all negative stuff, whiny voice, complaining, bitching about people who didn’t deserve it, pass-agg comments that I didn’t call her or see her enough, she gets So Worried about me…. To this day if I hear that phone sound the blood drains from my guts and I get a feeling of dread. And I’m close to retirement age and fairly tough!
You are absolutely not alone @Iknowitsowhydontiacceptit , I hope the solidarity is a comfort and your thread is a source of comfort and companionship to others.

The cutting comments and put downs swiftly followed by a sickly display of affection to you. Playing you off against siblings, only revelling in misery.

God they’re all the same. Like a cat with a mouse.

They really are, aren't they!

I get a lot of "it was just a joke" after I call them out on, frankly, mean comments. "God can't you take a joke?"

Interesting isn't it how one of the common themes also seems to be that to the outside world they are a 'pillar of society' or some other caring role and that behind closed doors they were a different story. It seems so utterly sad. And I agree with the poster above that the child's feelings are always valid, always, it is just so so hard to trust those feelings when they have been consistently invalidated for years. And of course those from more healthy homes wouldn't understand, it probably seems completely alien to them. Take care everyone and I hope that healing comes. x

One of the turning points for me was realising that if I felt so stressed and distressed around anyone else I just wouldn't see that them, I would trust my feelings about it. But with my mum I just couldn't let myself trust what my body was telling me - I was always trying to find ways to change myself or my thoughts or behaviour or feelings - so that I felt OK around her. I suddenly thought "what if you trust your gut? What if she really just isn't very nice?" - wow, what a shock and breakthrough that was for me

it became obvious in my family that I was only required to visit so I was seen visiting them by ‘society’. There was no relationship, they knew nothing about me, only ever talked about themselves unless they were berating me about something from 5 minutes of 40 years ago.

I realised I was ‘in on it too’ The pretence. ‘Let’s make it look like I have a family’. ‘Look everyone, here I am taking my family out’, ‘Look, I have a family like you’. Only I was doing it to for me. So that I thought I had a family.

Sounds like my dad.

Wasn't interested in parenting growing up (unless it was something fun/easy like a trip to KFC or being a disney dad), disappeared a lot, unreliable. No real relationship was built as a result.

However he loves to brag and boast on Facebook that he has this wonderful relationship with me, but in reality he saw me once last year, and isn't interested in any serious topics (medical, general problems), it's all 'oh right', then moves onto next easy surface level topic, but if it's something he can brag about (grades, uni, new house, job, pregnancy), he can't wait to put the phone down and post photos on facebook, making it look as if we have a good relationship and it's all perfectly normal. So weird.

Touché... 🙋‍♀️