i feel so stuck and lost in my marriage

[neveryoumind987]

hi all,
me and DW have been together since our early 20s, now in our mid 30s. for the longest time i feel like i have been so unhappy. she isnt a bad person, theres no abuse, but i feel very lost and trapped. i can recall so many times over the years ive felt unhappy or fantasised about leaving, i think if im being totally honest with myself we got married because i had sort of given in to that i probably wouldnt leave and things werent THAT bad.
i know she loves me deeply, and i have tried so hard to love her back, but i just dont.
since having kids she has become more moody and difficult, and im ashamed to say this but having kids made her gain a lot of weight, she weighs about 30kg more than i do and i just dont find her attractive.
things got really bad last year and we agreed to go to counselling, i really did try but i just couldnt open up about how i felt and whilst there is little conflict, there is no passion or pleasure there, i dont enjoy her company and cant stand her touching me.
the two things that literally keep me up at night are how hurt she would be if i left, and my kids, i have 2 children 5 and 7, they are my absolute world and i cherish them with my whole heart. im terrified of breaking their hearts too and ruining their childhoods.
they see me happy all the time, but im acting and its not how i feel inside.
i dont know what to do. part of me says, kids deserve happy parents and that staying here is me giving up on being happy for them and to see them every day.
the other part of me says, i have a duty to live this life. its all down to choices i made and so they're mine to live with.

i was really hoping to see if anyone will share their experiences of if they have had the same experiences and what made them choose what they chose and if i can get any advice or even reassurance.

Get back to counselling and be honest. Perhaps have individual counselling first so you can be brutally honest and then joint to allow counsellor to navigate how you both feel. Even if ends up counselling on how to separate at the end

I agree with @Hankunamatata . I think you would benefit initially from individual counselling. You need to really think about what is making you so unhappy. Is it really your relationship or something external. It's also worth thinking about what will be different when/ if you separate. How will your life change for the better and the worse. Then at least if you make the decision it will have been fully considered and thought out

In all honesty, I found the comments on your wifes weight insulting. She's invested 15 years into you and your family. Her body has given you 2 kids. I'm sure that you don't look the same after 15 years. I know in my case I'm 30kg heavier. But, my husband has lost several teeth and lots of hair in 15 years. He's also gained a few lbs. Time takes its toll on everyone.

I wonder what you are doing to support your wife. Does she have time to go to the gym or work out? Are you involved in parenting and household chores? When was the last time you did the laundry or cooked a meal?

I don't think you should suffer your wife and be unhappy. You only have one life. You deserve to be happy and your kids deserve to see what a happy relationship looks like.

i just want to say that i write about finding my wife less attractive with a great level of humility. its something that i battle with myself and i feel a lot of guilt about it, but its hard when you arent attracted to someone. i absolutely do my share with the domestic jobs, just this morning i got up, put the laundry and dishwasher on, got the kids totally ready for school and breakfast etc and took them to school before work.
in terms of supporting her to go to the gym etc, i have encouraged it, she has joined a gym and i have happily done stuff with the kids in the day on weekends or put them to bed for her to go. shes just not invested in maintaining that. i have never rubbed it in her face about her weight and dont go on about it, but it does remain an issue.
i think counselling would confirm to me what i know deep down, which is that i am married to someone who doesnt make me happy but havent had the guts to leave until it has felt "too late".

What would make you happier?

I don’t know. I don’t want to be with my wife anymore, if not for my kids I wouldn’t be with her now. But it’s if I would hate myself for leaving and what it might do to them and not seeing them every day

If you absolutely don't want to be with her anymore and you are sure your relationship is dead then leave.

I've been with my H for 15 years. We don't always like each other. I think we have both been unhappy in the relationship at times. But, things can and do change.

How will you feel when you can't see your kids everyday? How will you feel when you have to split your assets? How will you feel when your kids are living in a house with another man? How will you feel when your wife is in another relationship? How will you feel about paying CM? What type of accommodation will you be able to afford?

I think you really need to be 100% sure and the counselling will help with that.

To be fair. The only part of that that bothers
me is not seeing my kids every day.
I understand the financial aspects. I’m weirdly okay with that.
if my wife met someone I would be happy for her and it wouldn’t bother me I don’t think
I hate the idea of hurting her. But that would have to happen. Missing my kids is my big fear.

I don’t want to be with my wife anymore, if not for my kids I wouldn’t be with her now. 👀

Give your wife the respect she deserves and leave her. Most women would be truley gutted if they knew this is how their husband felt.

It doesn't sound as if it is a question of IF you leave, more just a question of when and how.
You don't sound as though you love your wife and it doesn't seem very likely that you are going to fall back in love with her. How do you think she views your marriage? Do you think she is happy and in love with you? Will this be a complete shock to her?

Maybe it's best to end it.

Does your wife know how you feel? Or are you play acting being married?

so the children get moved around like chess pieces?

Having children is not an excuse to be overweight and unhealthy. Especially when they are already school age. Unless there is medical problem there are always steps one can take to be healthier weight.

Being honest about not having attraction for someone due to their size is not "insulting ". It's important that OP is honest about his situation so people can give him accurate advice. He didn't say anything insulting, he was open with his own preferences and lack of attraction. We're all different and are attracted to different people/body types. We can't help it!

I feel similarly to you OP. It's all about the kids - not bothered about the relationship unfortunately.

People change, relationships change and to be honest I think having a happy relationship till the end of time is a rarity.

It just comes down to how much pain you are willing to take. Get a hobby, throw yourself into your work etc.

Grass is always greener sometimes.

That's your opinion. I'm not that superficial. The way someone looks doesn't affect how attractive they are to me. My love isn't conditional or dependant on how someone looks or a few pounds or stone. OP feel how he feels but IMO love is deeper than that.

We're not talking about love but attraction. And It's not the competition of who's love or attraction is deeper and better. OP has a right to be honest about how he feels.

He asked for opinions. I gave mine. He and you don't have to like it. I think it's insulting and superficial. If he wants to end his marriage he doesn't need to justify it. I've already said life is to short to be unhappy.

You need to leave before you meet someone else and have an affair. Be the better person before it's too late

30kg is a lot. I'd struggle to find my partner attractive. Not a popular viewpoint but honest.

Sadly marriages fail. Yours has. Try and leave it with dignity for both of you. A mediator can help a civilised separation

Having feelings is not "insulting ". People feel how they feel. He's not going around insulting random women. If he said "overweight people are not attractive " then that would be offending but he didn't say that, he simply shared his own private feelings and preferences and everyone is allowed to have them.
But I guess you are one of those people who try to police other people's thoughts and feelings.

I find it insulting and shallow. I think there's more to OPs' unhappiness. If his wife lost 30kg would he really want to be with her and be less repulsed by her? I'm entitled to my opinion.

OP you've been honest about how you feel and it's plain you have fallen out of love with your wife. You say she loves you deeply so does she have have any idea how unhappy you are? You've had counselling so who instigated that? lf it was your wife imagine she must have had a pretty good idea there was something wrong with your relationship so perhaps it won't be a total shock to her.
I honestly think if you are this miserable in your marriage it would be better to separate as otherwise your unhappiness will start to affect your children and create a bad atmosphere at home. Far better to part ways and co parent successfully together.

I'm sorry you find other people's feelings insulting. However people are allowed to feel what they feel. It's not something they can help and feelings are not a matter of opinions. You are of course allowed to have your own feelings about OP's feelings but seems like you lack boundaries of where you end and another person begins and who's responsible for what. It's literally non of your business who OP feels attracted to or not as it's usually not something one can help and it's very personal and different l to everyone. We're all attracted to different things and that's OK.

I don't think weight is the only issue in their marriage. I also think there is a huge difference between someone who struggles to lose weight and someone who is not bothered to exercise and eat healthy despite being able to. This lack of discipline and care often penetrates through other areas of life and relationship and is just one of the symptoms of bigger problem.

But it doesn't seem there is love in OP's marriage so lack of sexual attraction is not the main issue here.