i feel so stuck and lost in my marriage

[neveryoumind987]

hi all,
me and DW have been together since our early 20s, now in our mid 30s. for the longest time i feel like i have been so unhappy. she isnt a bad person, theres no abuse, but i feel very lost and trapped. i can recall so many times over the years ive felt unhappy or fantasised about leaving, i think if im being totally honest with myself we got married because i had sort of given in to that i probably wouldnt leave and things werent THAT bad.
i know she loves me deeply, and i have tried so hard to love her back, but i just dont.
since having kids she has become more moody and difficult, and im ashamed to say this but having kids made her gain a lot of weight, she weighs about 30kg more than i do and i just dont find her attractive.
things got really bad last year and we agreed to go to counselling, i really did try but i just couldnt open up about how i felt and whilst there is little conflict, there is no passion or pleasure there, i dont enjoy her company and cant stand her touching me.
the two things that literally keep me up at night are how hurt she would be if i left, and my kids, i have 2 children 5 and 7, they are my absolute world and i cherish them with my whole heart. im terrified of breaking their hearts too and ruining their childhoods.
they see me happy all the time, but im acting and its not how i feel inside.
i dont know what to do. part of me says, kids deserve happy parents and that staying here is me giving up on being happy for them and to see them every day.
the other part of me says, i have a duty to live this life. its all down to choices i made and so they're mine to live with.

i was really hoping to see if anyone will share their experiences of if they have had the same experiences and what made them choose what they chose and if i can get any advice or even reassurance.

hi all, thank you so much for the input so far! this is helping me to start organising thoughts. one of the things that seems to be coming up a lot is the balance of physical attraction, as many people have said, what we do and dont find attractive is deeply subjective, there is a difference between treating someone like a second class citizen for their appearance and finding them attractive. this is someone im supposed to share intimacy with and dont enjoy it because im unattracted to her.
one thing that i think seems to be more apparent in my mind also, from following what people are saying is that i see a sort of sliding scale between physical attraction and love, the stronger the love the less the need for that physical side and so an absence of love becomes more apparent.
to be fair though my main issue is about my kids and coping with a break up thats centred around them. im probably going to get a roasting from someone for blowing my own horn here but i think im a really good dad. i do anything that needs to be done, from emotional support to practical stuff big and small. this morning i was the one that got up again, got the kids fully ready for school, finished my sons homework wiht him, did my daughters hair in the way she asked it to be done, got breakfast sorted and fed the dogs and still had time to mess around and dance with them before i set off to work at 8.
they are everything to me, but i have to pretend to be happy around them a lot of the time. im good at pretending, but the idea of the damage that a separation could do, the uncertainty of it, is terrifying.

There are many forms of love—romantic, passionate, platonic, and respectful. From what you’ve shared, it’s clear that you don’t feel romantic love for your wife, but what stands out even more is that you don’t seem to feel even platonic love for her. That, I believe, is the real issue in your current situation.

Platonic love can be a strong foundation for both a relationship and successful co-parenting. However, from your words, it sounds like you feel something closer to revulsion toward her. It’s easy to pin that on physical changes like weight gain, but if there were a deeper emotional connection, I doubt her appearance would have this strong of an effect on you.

Right now, you are living a lie, and that kind of dishonesty—both with yourself and with her—will take a serious toll on your mental and emotional well-being. From what you’ve said, it already is. You only have one life. Your wife only has one life. Do you want to wake up in 10 years feeling the same way?

It’s also unfair to her. She deserves to be with someone who truly loves and values her. Staying in this relationship out of obligation denies both of you the opportunity for real happiness.

You need to have an honest conversation with her. She may already suspect the truth. She may even be open to discussing a co-parenting or cohabiting arrangement that allows you to remain living together at least until they’re a bit older.

As difficult as this situation is, the separation from your children will become more manageable as they grow older. Right now, they are still young, but parenting dynamics evolve over time.

You owe it to yourself, to your wife, and to your family to face the truth head-on and be honest with her.

Children are very resilient. As long as you are consistent and priorities them I'm sure they will be fine. You can't pretend forever. I think it's less damaging to do it now rather than later. What worries me is that because you are pretending it might come as a surprise and blindside your wife. I certainly wouldn't be bring her weight or attractiveness into the equation. Her losing weight isnt going to change the way you feel about her or how you feel about the relationship. I think for now you need to think how you can tell her you are unhappy and want a divorce in a way that's going to cause the least amount of hurt and animosity.

Attraction and a healthy sex life is a massive part of a relationship. Bodies change after birth but weighing 30kg more than your husband is not a result of pregnancy.

no you are completely right in that wouldnt bring her weight into it, she knows its been a barrier but i have never rubbed it in her face or made her feel bad for it, and i wouldnt use it as a foundation on leaving her, its a factor in it but not the reason.
i dont know that she would be totally blind sided, i act happy and full of energy until the kids go to bed, then sort of withdraw, im not unpleasant to her but i just become more withdrawn in herself.
its hard because for many years ive held back on doing this, despite feeling this way for the longest time because i know she'd be utterly crushed, so theres a heavy layer of guilt too.

Why are you doing your a wife a favour by caring for your children , getting them up and dressed , homework , take them to school etc? This is just part of parenting that happens every day.
I think there’s more to this than your admitting. Script springs to mind

sorry, how do you mean doing her a favour?
i was writing that as an explanation that i do my share in the parenting/house, its not a favour to anyone, its as much my job. how do you mean script?

What did you love about her originally?

i honestly dont remember, we got together when we were in our early 20s, and at first i was very attracted to her and she was fun and vibrant, but that sort of ebbed away within a few years, but i dont think i knew any better and thought it was normal. when i look back over years and years, it has been a relationship that i have found quite unfulfilling, but its what ive known for so long.
the reason i am there now, i know deep down is about my kids.

This is reading to me as if your wife could be depressed.
When did this all start to go wrong?
Do you have historic unresolved problems?
Is there a lack of trust?
If you would like to try and salvage the marriage you need honest communication and importantly listening to make your final decision

Is there any possibility of recreating a sense of fun with her? Easier to do as the kids get older. How old are the kids? Any chance a bit more freedom for you and her to have more time?

Although it sounds like you've felt this way for so long that the relationship is over for you. The kindest thing to do for her is let her know as she's most likely completely unaware she's been living a lie. If you are intent on staying in your kids lives, then it'll be so much easier to do if you have a decent relationship with their mother. So tread gently.

to be fair both me and my wife have some unresolved historical stuff, for her its around her parents divorce when she was a teenager. for me its more childhood issues.
she does struggle with depression but this is generally well controlled. things started to change not overly long after we got together and i do feel like our fundemental preferences in life are different, she is quite happy to use her free time to sit and watch TV, i cant stand sitting down for more than an hour or so and if we have a rare free day, we would want to do totally different things.
we are very incompatible people to be honest, time has made this more pronounced. but we have kids together which makes it hard.

I replied multiple times to another poster but I just wanted to let you know directly that you should absolutely not be shamed for what you find attractive or not. Feelings just are and sometimes we have no control of them in the moment. If you made generalised statement like "bigger women are not attractive " then yes - that would be awful and insulting but you clearly stated your own experience and preferences without insulting anyone.

And yes you're right- there is a connection between love and attraction. If you love and enjoy each other you're more likely to not only see each other positively but also be more intimate with each other which in turn can lead to stronger attraction or like you say, make it less important all together.

Is there a chance you can gently broach the subject with your wife? Maybe she feels the same way? There could be a way for both of you to work on your marriage. It's not only choice between leaving and staying quietly miserable.

If you loved her and were committed her weight wouldn't matter.

You sound miserable, I'm sure she is too. You need to be honest with her, with a counsellor if that's helpful, and start separating as amicably and responsibly as possible.

things deteriorated quite signficantly last year and i did challenge her, we went to counselling for a while and despite a few changes etc i cant honestly say my feelings have changed in that time.

What did you challenge her about? It seems if the root of your issues as far as your concerned is that you don’t love / desire /want to be with her then amount of counselling will help. Is there something you’re asking of her you feel she wont deliver? Or (and I mean they kindly) are you frustrated with her because you don’t love her and feel trapped?

i challenged her, because at the time her behaviour was quite toxic, she was angry and hostile and this was directed at myself and the kids often. i think that i agreed to try counselling but i think what i have learned is that the damage is done.

but i feel very lost and trapped. i can recall so many times over the years ive felt unhappy or fantasised about leaving, i think if im being totally honest with myself we got married because i had sort of given in to that i probably wouldnt leave and things werent THAT bad

Your wife’s current weight or moods has absolutely nothing to do with it because as you said, you were unhappy before you got married but did it anyway. And you had children anyway as well.

You've been deceiving your wife before you were even married and you continue to conceal your true feelings to this day. Why did you bother to go to counselling if you were not going to communicate properly? Your poor wife has probably bent over backwards to try and resolve things with you, and you’ve made it impossible because you prefer deception over honesty. No wonder she’s put weight on or is
depressed living with you.

What you’ve been doing is abusive. It’s absolutely vile and I’ve no sympathy for your cry baby posts. And stop with the bullshit that you’re staying for the kids. The kids are learning deeply unpleasant behaviours from you and I bet the atmosphere in your house is horrible. Is it good for your kids to have a depressed mum?

Men like you stick around for several reasons. One of those reasons is to control.their wife, to emotionally abuse her through neglect and rejection and to blame her for it. Another reason is that although you don’t want her you don’t want anyone else to have her.

You are manipulative and controlling. You challenged her in counselling did you? Don’t make me laugh. You continued to conceal your true feelings even in those counselling sessions. How dare you waste years of this woman’s life because you’re too cowardly to divorce. It’s a reflection on your abusive mentality that you have no problem taking agency away from your wife.

@neveryoumind987 , not trying to minimise your pain or unhappiness given you have said you have been unhappy for a decade. But hoping perspective helps. I have been posting on here for the wisdom and advice and sometimes tough but necessary love of these brilliant women on here -
Im in a 20 year marriage and my H is verbally, physically and financially abusive.

I live in fear sometimes terror sometimes resigned familial affection sometimes numb. I stay for my 15 year old though I doubt if thats just an excuse for weakness, I dont know. The nose breaking in 2008, the nose breaking 2 in 2011, and the other DV in the past (before CPS came home and warned him in 2023 and now the physical abuse isirestrained /kept in check since then, and limited to verbal, sexual and financial only).

Sometimes I think I will leave when DS is 18 , sometimes 21 - sometimes I know I will stay till I die . Reading on here keeps perspective , sometimes I even give advice.

If I ever left, I think the main reason would obv be the physical violence incidents in past, I dont think one ever forgets or forgives that - however, objectively I can see that while my husband was definitely 'good looking' when we met , hes now heavier and partly increasingly bald - it hasnt made a difference to sex as I couldnt respond to him in bed right from the very early years fully - perhaps my body knew way before my intellect caught up that I was in a dark place when I was with him. His looks are the least of my problems - in fact, if we had been good friends and one in spirit and heart - I doubt the ageing would have changed anything.

why if she has been angry and hostile unreasonably in the recent past, would you lead with weight rather than that in your initial posts. If you were wanting validation that a woman becoming overweight is sufficient reason to leave her and choosing a bunch of internet strangers to test that theory out - I am sure there are various online groups that are like minded, just dont see MN as the right choice though. However, if I have gotten it wrong and your intentions were not to see if weight was reason enough for a great guy to leave - I apologise, perhaps I am too bitter and cynical about men in general and that is unjustified.

Please for the love of god, leave your wife.

You are doing an absolute disservice staying with her if you don’t love her. Let her be with someone who does.

You can still see your children, but don’t deprive her of a fulfilling and loving relationship because you want to see your kids every day.