Recovering from an emotional affair

[ApplePieTree]

He’s had an emotional affair. And still “cares for her”. He’s prone to obsessive thoughts so it makes it harder for him to disengage. I think we both want to make our marriage work, not least for our children.

Can anyone recommend resources to help work through things? Has anyone any positive stories of marriage recovery after an emotional affair?

Sorry OP but if he still cares for her it's not really ^after" the emotional affair: he is still emotionally attached to her so in effect the affair is still ongoing

If you're both committed to making it work, you might find 'Helping Couples Heal' a useful resource, including a free podcast. If he still cares for her though, he's still prioritising her needs over yours and you'll never be able to repair.
Is he being treated for obsessive thoughts?
I'm sorry you're going through this 💛

Thank you for the recommendation.

He does have therapy, which he says he finds helpful, but I’m not sure whether it’s specialist enough.

If he 'still cares' for her then forget it - no amount of therapy or reading is going to help. He needs to see thay you can have A or B and not something in between. If I were you I'd ask him to move out and tell him you need space to think. Only when he realises what he's losing will he make the choice to fully commit to you.

And then comes the therapy!

Are you happy to be with someone who is only staying for the kids?

No not if he still cares for her over you & his children. Do you really want to be 2nd choice just because of your children? Also Not whilst he still thinks and still prioritising her feelings over yours snd your children. Not whilst he is constantly idealising her as perfect. But it also has to be about what YOU want: Can you really live with the fact he deeply cares for another woman? Can you accept that he was happy to confided in another woman about problems in your marriages? Does he want to give her up? Can he live without her in his life? What is he doing to reassure you you’re more important than his bit on the side? Is that enough for you?

Here is something i found:

1. He might have drawn the line outwardly, but can you bear the idea of him going through heartbreak and pining for another woman when he’s still in this marriage. He says that he needs to process his feelings, but is happy to hurts you every time he listens to songs on unrequited love and the tragedy of having to say goodbye to the woman he loves.
2. Did he come clean with you or was he “caught” so would he have wanted it to become sexual if he hadn’t been caught? Would that be your red line? When he finally came clean, did he constant manipulate the truth, makes it hard for you to trust his character, and hard for you to carry on, since truth is one of my most prized virtues in any relationship.
3. Was therapy his idea or was he resistant to going for therapy. ?
4. How does he provide you with space to hurt and heal, whenever you question him or seek affirmation from him, does he see it as you “lambasting” or “lecturing” him, and not giving him any space. Or does he prioritise your feelings/healing above his own?

Can you put your hand on your heart and know he truly cares about you and only you ? If not it’s mental and emotional abuse of you. You may need counselling to work on yourself.
Personally Id ask him to leave snd give you space to think it might also make him realise what he is willing to give up for a “fling/ego boost with his other woman or maybe she is the love of his life, do you really want to go through the rest of your life knowing your 2nd choice and he wants to be with her, he will end up resenting you and for the same reasons you will resent him.
What would you say if someone was treating your children like this? You are their teacher show then a strong mum.

OP, as previous posters have mentioned, if he "still cares for her", then it's not over. He's still attached to her, him caring for her is putting her needs before yours. He's only with you for the sake of the children. That may change soon too.

He's got to totally cut ties with her, and then work on therapy and your relationship. He can't do that with this other person still in his life, it just won't work.

Put simply, you’re sharing him.
And also demonstrating to him you’re cool with it.

Not something I could do, but each to their own I guess…

How horribly painful. So sorry op.

If it were me, I would turn ice cold and politely divorce him with all my dignity.

Walk away. He does not deserve to have you in his life. He's obsessed with another woman like a lovesick teenager.

Mn is maybe not the best places to ask this.
You're mostly going to get the LTB and that's not what you asked.
There are some excellent forums for surviving fidelity.
He may still 'care' for her - too bad (for him) he will get over this.
. I assume he's complete 'no contact'?
As for staying together because of the children (one of the reasons) what better reason could there be?
Many couples goes through this and come out , better and stronger.

I don’t think many couples really come out of an emotional affair stronger. But over time, I do think you will be able to give it a place and go on.
It just depends if you think he’s worth the difficult time ahead x

Speaking from experience OP, you can come
through the other side.

The first 6 months to a year were really tough for us. Has he cut all contact? This is key. There needs to be no glimmer or hope or 'what if' for him and the OW.

If he's truly committed to making it work, then he needs to really throw himself into repairing your marriage with quality time together and putting you first, rebuilding your trust.

We're almost 20 years on the other side but so glad we worked through it.

Thank you so much and I am glad for you that you worked through things and are happy.

Unfortunately he has not cut contact yet. The other woman lives in another country and has recently started a new relationship. But this is no reassurance to me and I have explained I believe it is essential for him to cut contact in order to give our marriage a chance. It has only been 5 days so far since I found out about the emotional affair. On that first day, I almost immediately asked him to cut contact. I am trying to be patient and hope he agrees to make this decision soon, hoping he starts to see things more clearly.

Currently he is in the middle of a mental health breakdown due to the stress of his situation and strain on our marriage, on top of pre-existing mental health conditions. I would not ask him to leave our home while he is in this state as he has nowhere else to go for support (no other family). It could break him and would certainly damage any hope of repairing our marriage.

We have agreed to work together to keep things calm and as normal as possible for our children while we work things out. We have each signed up for individual therapy and are turning to various online resources and looking into marriage therapy / coaching.

Currently he is so depressed he is finding it hard to be hopeful about his life at all, whether we repair or end the marriage, and he is ruminating a lot on everything negative there has been between us. It is very difficult.

I do appreciate any recommendations of resources to work through this.

A great website is Surviving Infidelity, it has forums for betrayed partners as well as one for those who have been unfaithful.

I'm shocked that he hasn't cut contact, OP, that's the very basic thing he has to do to have any hope at all of repairing things with you.

Thank you very much for the suggestion.

re contact: I am shocked too. He is currently very unwell as I mentioned and I am hoping as he pulls through that fog he will make the right choice.

I feel for you OP, you have alot to deal with. Hopefully, when he gets through his crisis, he makes the right decision for you and your family. If he doesn't, I hope you find the strength to move on. You're the one supporting him in his mental health, not her. You deserve better.

I'd recommend surviving infidelity as well.

I totally understand your need to save this man from himself and his demons but your focus needs to be on healing yourself first.

It's actually very common for the cheat to pine after the AP but I find it's not about that person but the way they made them feel and the plaster they provided. He needs to dig a lot deeper in therapy to work out why he was so broken that this woman filled that void.

Ime you cannot even begin to heal the marriage while he is still navel gazing and behaving like the victim.

By all means keep him close if that helps you process and deal BUT try to get some emotional distance. He does not get to lean on you right now, you have your own healing to do. Surviving infidelity has a strategy called the 180 which you can google and might help you.

Your dynamic sounds very much like he f's up and you rescue. This is not healthy. It's especially not healthy when you're healing from one of HIS f'ups.

You come first. You deserve better.

And he MUST cut contact. That has to happen otherwise when the dust settles there will be no hope for your marriage.

He is bound to have some feelings as they don’t just end. The fact he got into this in the first place means feelings exist,

He has to cut contact though and go cold turkey.

Thank you so much for this very insightful response.

You are welcome, I really have been where you are and totally understand your need to help him, but you matter most. Oxygen mask goes on you first.

How is this working out for you? I'm in a similar situation

Hello and I’m so very sorry to hear you’re in a similar situation.

Here things are up and down.

He has finally cut contact with the other woman.

(Although I discovered that while he was still in touch, in February, he had sent her a Moonpig valentines card like a lovesick teenager (he’s late 40s) which honestly makes me feel so physically sick.)

His mental heath is improving. He is calmer and seeing things more clearly a lot of the time, although there are some irrational outbursts at times. He is making real efforts to show kindness and everyday care to me and our children.

But if I’m upset or angry about his betrayal - which I try to contain but he sometimes hears me crying in another room - he becomes massively defensive and he has not been able to properly apologise for his betrayal.

He is very blameful of me for all the unsatisfactory things in our relationship he holds me responsible for, and blames these things for his emotional affair, instead of taking responsibility for his own part.

It’s clear he tried to stop this thing on numerous occasions but she was like the cat who came back, sneaking back more messages, coming back for more and more, smothering him with compliments and her own neediness.

I am finding it hard to get my head around what happened, both during the period they were in contact and in the months and years running up to that.

i think we are both swinging between hopefulness and despair about our relationship, and not necessarily at the same time.

There is a lot to work through and I am not sure where we will end up. I do think there’s a possibility we will end up in a better place but his current thinking certainly needs to develop first, perhaps mine too.

Wishing you well negotiating the storm.

The resources suggested by others above are helpful, also Marriage Helper and Ester Perel on YouTube.