Recovering from an emotional affair

[ApplePieTree]

He’s had an emotional affair. And still “cares for her”. He’s prone to obsessive thoughts so it makes it harder for him to disengage. I think we both want to make our marriage work, not least for our children.

Can anyone recommend resources to help work through things? Has anyone any positive stories of marriage recovery after an emotional affair?

Hi there, sorry I meant to tag you in my message above, to be sure you see my reply. Wishing you well.

Do you believe he's actually cut contact @ApplePieTree ? Can't believe he had the audacity to send her a Valentine's card AFTER you found out about them 🤢

@ApplePieTree doesn't sound like he's taking responsibility for what he's done to you and your marriage.

How dare he?

And don't bother blaming the OW.

I hope you can find your way through this and emerge strong, safe and secure in yourself. And don't let anyone pull the rug from under you again.

My god, he doesn't give a shit about you, does he, OP.

You can't save this marriage on your own, you can only delay the inevitable collapse of it. How fucking DARE he blame you for his lack of moral fibre and character?

You don't need Esther Perel. You need ChumpLady

You are the only one working hard to repair your marriage and you aren't the one who broke it.

He is the one who had an affair, emotional or otherwise, but he is behaving as though he is the victim who must be supported, cossetted and reassured, while you are supposed to provide all the emotional support and you must never, ever reproach him for his behaviour. He sounds manipulative and cruel.

I couldn't put up with that. The sheer injustice of the situation would make me so angry and upset that I would much rather split up and only have myself and the children to care for, instead of having to pander to a self-pitying, self-centred manchild.

Any updates @ApplePieTree? I’ve just read this thread with interest as it sounds like me in a parallel universe - primarily emotional affair (with phone sex! 👍🏻), OW in another country, H finding it difficult to cut contact, best behaviour for 5 minutes and then endless self pity. I filed for divorce within a couple of weeks of finding out but naturally have had a couple of wobbles here and there, so I’m interested to hear if you guys have worked it out.

I mean realistically there’s no going back for me, mine has revealed himself to be a prick of the highest order. But in a dreamworld…you know how it is. You’re living it.

Hello there

I’m so very sorry that you are going through similar.

Things here are improved in many ways. His mental health is improved. He finally cut contact. He has recently (seemingly sincerely) fully apologised. And he is receiving appropriate specialist mental health treatment for chronic post-traumatic issues. I believe he has chosen to work for our marriage and is putting work in to understand what went wrong.

I am quite up and down in myself. In many ways I feel better than I did before I found out, as various things make so much more sense now. But I am still very very sad and somewhat mistrustful. I am putting energy into finding happiness in my children, friends, my own interests, and to engage as well as I can with the positives we have within our relationship. I am not sure yet where things will end up but I do have hope.

In many respects it still feels like early days, but equally we have already come a long way, both individually and together.

Things I have found useful:

• podcasts and books about relationships. There are some great resources out there.
• taking extra care of my personal health and wellbeing, including making time for my fitness and personal interests and planning enjoyable things.
• personal therapy (online in my case).
• telling a couple of very trusted friends.
• focusing on minimising the impact on our children at home.

Wishing you well in navigating this time.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply!

Completely relate to the part about feeling a lot better than before you found out. It’s the uncertainty and suspicion and self-gaslighting that kills you isn’t it? So when you finally find out there’s a very clear reason for all the problems in your relationship, and there’s absolutely no way it’s your fault, it feels like a huge weight off!

Glad to hear your DH is taking responsibility for himself too, I think that will be key to your recovery as a couple. Affairs like this are always symptoms of wider issues, so him trying to tackle the root cause at his end is really important. My soon to be ex husband has half-heartedly started therapy but I expect I’ll be disappointed with the results. He’s still hiding from me for one thing, so it’s obviously not working very well 😂

wishing you the very best of luck going forward. It’s a brave and true thing you’ve done, allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to give it another go. Keep checking in as I’d love to see how you get on. I hope it all ends up rosy for you ❤️