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Original poster

Do I wait it out or cut ties while he sorts divorce and ex?

43 replies

Mugofgin · 29/01/2025 05:08

So a guy has been messaging me everyday for 5 months straight. We know each other through mutual friends, had gone on a date before but havent seen each other for 15 years. He has been living in a different country for the last year with one of his sons after his wife left him and moved home with one of the sons. He was coming over to see his other son for 2 weeks and we were meant to be meeting up for a date. However when he got here he never made a plan and told me he was busy. I messaged him to see how he was and he said that his ex wife hugged him and told him she missed being a family. He said he was shocked by her doing that and he has mixed feelings and has been up and down. He has definitely withdrawn from messaging so much but still messages. This has been going on for a week. Now I feel conflicted and anxious as I feel like now I could be second option and I am disappointed he never meet up with me as we did get along so well. She sounded like she was really horrible to him and he is a nice guy so may go back because of the kids. This is true as we have mutual friends. Now I don’t know if I wait it out and essentially be there for him or if I say maybe it’s best we don’t stay in touch until he has sorted himself out. We both have kids, both partners left us and there was lies and infidelity, I have co parenting problems So we have been there for each other. I went back the first time to my ex and have told him why it wasn’t a good idea and now I wish I didn’t. I am finding the situation stressful now and can’t work out if the reason he didn’t see me was because of her… I am sure it was though… he did say he felt like an ass about not seeing me… do I message him some like boundaries or just wait it out …. What should I say? Thanks so much

OP posts:
Lesina · 29/01/2025 05:13

Sounds messy and stressful. Wish him well & move on.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 29/01/2025 05:16

Sorry to say but you definitely sound like the back up plan.

Mumbodadhd · 29/01/2025 05:16

Save your sanity, clearly you're not a priority there, plenty more fish in the sea!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/01/2025 05:33

Messaging you for five months straight !. Cut your losses now because you don’t need such a man with all this in your life . Raise your own bar from the current sub level it’s at.

crackfoxy · 29/01/2025 05:44

Move on.

AcquadiP · 29/01/2025 06:01

Mugofgin · 29/01/2025 05:08

So a guy has been messaging me everyday for 5 months straight. We know each other through mutual friends, had gone on a date before but havent seen each other for 15 years. He has been living in a different country for the last year with one of his sons after his wife left him and moved home with one of the sons. He was coming over to see his other son for 2 weeks and we were meant to be meeting up for a date. However when he got here he never made a plan and told me he was busy. I messaged him to see how he was and he said that his ex wife hugged him and told him she missed being a family. He said he was shocked by her doing that and he has mixed feelings and has been up and down. He has definitely withdrawn from messaging so much but still messages. This has been going on for a week. Now I feel conflicted and anxious as I feel like now I could be second option and I am disappointed he never meet up with me as we did get along so well. She sounded like she was really horrible to him and he is a nice guy so may go back because of the kids. This is true as we have mutual friends. Now I don’t know if I wait it out and essentially be there for him or if I say maybe it’s best we don’t stay in touch until he has sorted himself out. We both have kids, both partners left us and there was lies and infidelity, I have co parenting problems So we have been there for each other. I went back the first time to my ex and have told him why it wasn’t a good idea and now I wish I didn’t. I am finding the situation stressful now and can’t work out if the reason he didn’t see me was because of her… I am sure it was though… he did say he felt like an ass about not seeing me… do I message him some like boundaries or just wait it out …. What should I say? Thanks so much

"He said he has mixed feelings and has been up and down."
Run for the hills, this guy doesn't know what - or more importantly who - he wants.

Joystir59 · 29/01/2025 06:19

Move on and move up in your expectations OP!

Lurkingandlearning · 29/01/2025 06:40

feel like now I could be second option
judging by his reaction to the hug and what his wife said, I think you probably always were. It didn’t take much for him to withdraw, did it? I don’t mean to be unkind and he may not have consciously seen you as the second option. While he thought there was no chance of restoring his marriage he thought you were an option. Getting involved with someone before they have formally and perhaps more importantly, emotionally ended their marriage is always going to be risky. I think you will save yourself a lot of heartache if you leave him to it

Original poster
Mugofgin · 29/01/2025 07:07

Lurkingandlearning · 29/01/2025 06:40

feel like now I could be second option
judging by his reaction to the hug and what his wife said, I think you probably always were. It didn’t take much for him to withdraw, did it? I don’t mean to be unkind and he may not have consciously seen you as the second option. While he thought there was no chance of restoring his marriage he thought you were an option. Getting involved with someone before they have formally and perhaps more importantly, emotionally ended their marriage is always going to be risky. I think you will save yourself a lot of heartache if you leave him to it

Thank you that was a very valid point jt didn’t take much for him to withdraw… or maybe he is not being completely straight with me about it either.

OP posts:
PointySnoot · 29/01/2025 07:13

Nope - wish him good luck and move on.

He's not divorced yet and it doesn't sound as if he's sure he wants to be. Very telling that he's not decided that he's actually single before trying to line up the next relationship.

Bibi12 · 29/01/2025 07:17

Why on earth do you want to "wait it out"?
Why do this to yourself? Don't you want to be someone's first choice? Are there no other men where you live?

You barely know this man, it's so easy to leave before you entangle yourself in this mess any further.

sometimesmovingforwards · 29/01/2025 07:22

Proceed if you love drama.

User7288339 · 29/01/2025 07:25

Definitely move on,
easy to have a pen pal relationship when he’s back in the country where he lives but when he came over for two weeks he didn’t make an effort to see you once.
Actions speak louder than words!

Original poster
Mugofgin · 29/01/2025 07:26

PointySnoot · 29/01/2025 07:13

Nope - wish him good luck and move on.

He's not divorced yet and it doesn't sound as if he's sure he wants to be. Very telling that he's not decided that he's actually single before trying to line up the next relationship.

They have been seperated for a year after she left him and moved away. He has vented about her but yea guess there has been some red flags about it in hindsight

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 29/01/2025 07:28

You’re wasting your time with this on the geography & messaging only for aeons alone! Raise your bar!

3peassuit · 29/01/2025 07:28

Too messy. I’d back off.

category12 · 29/01/2025 07:28

Why would you wait to be someone's rebound?

If he even splits up with her.

Just move on, it was nice to have his attention but it's all a bit unavailable and drama-laden.

If you're ready for a relationship, aim to meet someone living in this country who's been actually single for a while.

mnreader · 29/01/2025 07:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

HeronWing · 29/01/2025 07:45

So let me get this straight — the last time you met this guy was fifteen years ago, he lives in another country and is still married, though apparently separated, you were going to go on a date with him (why?) when came to the UK for a holiday to see one of his children, and then he just didn’t get in touch, and when you did, he said his wife had hugged him and he has mixed feelings?

For this you were going to ‘wait it out’? Honestly, OP. Give yourself a firm talking to. He’s an overseas pen pal!

Sidge · 29/01/2025 08:10

What’s the point of him?

You’re a pen pal. He’s in a different country. He’s not fully extricated from his marriage. You haven’t even seen him for 15 years!

Give it up love. Find a real live man nearer home that’s free to date you.

Original poster
Mugofgin · 29/01/2025 08:43

HeronWing · 29/01/2025 07:45

So let me get this straight — the last time you met this guy was fifteen years ago, he lives in another country and is still married, though apparently separated, you were going to go on a date with him (why?) when came to the UK for a holiday to see one of his children, and then he just didn’t get in touch, and when you did, he said his wife had hugged him and he has mixed feelings?

For this you were going to ‘wait it out’? Honestly, OP. Give yourself a firm talking to. He’s an overseas pen pal!

Yeah sounds crazy really. He is meant to be moving back though as when they separated one kid stayed over with him and the other come back home with her

OP posts:
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 29/01/2025 08:54

It doesn't sound crazy. It IS crazy.

category12 · 29/01/2025 09:00

Mugofgin · 29/01/2025 08:43

Yeah sounds crazy really. He is meant to be moving back though as when they separated one kid stayed over with him and the other come back home with her

Show quote history

Isn't it pretty likely he's just daydreaming out loud and taking you along for the ride?

If he was serious, he'd have made an effort to see you. But when the opportunity came to make it real, he made excuses.

He's a timewaster.

PointySnoot · 29/01/2025 12:57

Mugofgin · 29/01/2025 07:26

They have been seperated for a year after she left him and moved away. He has vented about her but yea guess there has been some red flags about it in hindsight

Show quote history

Everyone has 20/20 hindsight and it's so easy to look back and spot things that weren't immediately obvious at the time.

A friend of mine has a very good mantra for dating: separated does not mean divorced, but feel free to get in touch when you have a decree absolute and a clean break financial order in place!

TwistedWonder · 29/01/2025 13:06

He’s enjoying the attention and distraction but if he wanted to, he would have.

Either accept he’s a penpal or bid him farewell and move on

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