Do I wait it out or cut ties while he sorts divorce and ex?

[Mugofgin]

So a guy has been messaging me everyday for 5 months straight. We know each other through mutual friends, had gone on a date before but havent seen each other for 15 years. He has been living in a different country for the last year with one of his sons after his wife left him and moved home with one of the sons. He was coming over to see his other son for 2 weeks and we were meant to be meeting up for a date. However when he got here he never made a plan and told me he was busy. I messaged him to see how he was and he said that his ex wife hugged him and told him she missed being a family. He said he was shocked by her doing that and he has mixed feelings and has been up and down. He has definitely withdrawn from messaging so much but still messages. This has been going on for a week. Now I feel conflicted and anxious as I feel like now I could be second option and I am disappointed he never meet up with me as we did get along so well. She sounded like she was really horrible to him and he is a nice guy so may go back because of the kids. This is true as we have mutual friends. Now I don’t know if I wait it out and essentially be there for him or if I say maybe it’s best we don’t stay in touch until he has sorted himself out. We both have kids, both partners left us and there was lies and infidelity, I have co parenting problems So we have been there for each other. I went back the first time to my ex and have told him why it wasn’t a good idea and now I wish I didn’t. I am finding the situation stressful now and can’t work out if the reason he didn’t see me was because of her… I am sure it was though… he did say he felt like an ass about not seeing me… do I message him some like boundaries or just wait it out …. What should I say? Thanks so much

Such a different kettle of fish dating as a solo mum with all these factors. guess it’s a lesson to be learnt thanks

You really are a mug, bin him and move on, he's a waste of space, he's just yanking your chain, nothing wrong with being single, sit it out until you find someone who makes you his priority, not his option.

In a nutshell, he still loves her and has feelings for her. Mix that with him feeling guilty for the children and missing them, he won't be thinking of you. You're not on his list of priorities and you won't be for a long time if anything does happen in the distance future. Back off from him, allow him space and for him to contact you when he feels ready. She sounds like she's playing emotional games and has him at the click of her fingers. You'll get hurt if you get involved at this moment in time. I've been in a similar situation and it wasn't a happy ending for me.

I bet his wife doesn't even know they are separated! When he goes back he'll say something like 'yeah, we tried to make a go of it, but we're still splitting up', so you'll carry on messaging (sexting?) him.

It doesn’t feel like he’s emotionally untangled from his ex and the divorce yet. And it is way too soon to be finding the relationship stressful - you should be enjoying yourself and having fun at this stage.

I would step back from the idea of dates. Continue a friendship if you want to but layer anything onto it.

Move on. Life can be difficult enough with adding him to to mix.

You seem to have a lot on your plate with your own split / divorce. There is no rush to 'hitch up' again surely. By all means stay friendly with this chap but I wouldn't regard him as boyfriend material at this stage. Give yourself and your children a chance to breathe and heal. 'Chap' sounds as though he needs to do the same. Who knows what the future may bring. I wish you luck.

From my observations it never ends well being involved with a married man, and this one has got DCs in the mix.

Walk away and let them repair their relationship and family.

I think what you do is stand back and let this family see if they can work things out.

I don't think he's ready to move on if one hug and a few words from his ex wife is making him react like that. I think I'd call it a day and cut contact. Find someone who is focused on you and you alone.

He had the chance to see you, but he didn't. That speaks volumes to me. I think he liked the idea of you but could not face reality. You deserve much more.

So I'm in a similar situation but I'm the wife. We are divorcing, still living together and he's been talking to another woman.
This has stirred up a lot of confusing feelings for us both.
We know we are not right together but weirdly it's actually opened us both up to finally talking about everything that's happened. Which is not something we have managed before and is very emotional when we do.
I'll be honest I do think the woman he is talking to is mad to have got herself in the middle of this. I wish for everyone's sakes they had waited till we were no longer living together. X

To be perfectly blunt, messaging every day is not a relationship, you've built dreams and hopes based on nothing. He didn't even make firm plans to see you. Just tell him you can see his life is quite complicated at the moment, but you hope it all works out. Then cut and run.

Thank you, yes this! I still have lots of healing to do and have to be a rock for my children. If it is meant to be it will be

Also it’s been really nice to have someone who can understand what it’s like going through this so maybe he was just meant to be in that season of my life for a reason as he has increased my self confidence and we have had some deep conversations so nice to see men can actually communicate on this level

Yes I do need to keep in check what is actual reality and what is fantasy

I am sorry your going through this. My ex had an affair and now my little kids are involved with her and it has so complicated our co parenting etc. so I guess I have also been on that side too. You definitely need time to heal after divorce