Worried I'm not posh or rich enough for him.

[Flamingo878]

I'm seeing someone that I really like and he seems to be really into me as well.
He has a great job and I work a minimum wage job, I also live in a housing association house.
I know he comes from quite a posh background. I'm just worried he will judge me for this or will decide that I'm not for him.
We are getting on great but I just feel intimidated by him in a class sort of sense and I hate feeling like this as he has done nothing to make me feel this way. He is so lovely.
Don't know what I'm asking here , I guess I'm just s bit embarrassed for him to come to my house even thought it's in a nice street etc.

If he had an issue with your job/where you live, then that wouldn't be someone you'd want to be with.

I really hope he's as lovely as he seems 😊

Bite the bullet and get it over with. So you can continue with peace of mind.

It's mostly likely he already has an idea of your circumstances and doesn't find it an issue.

You like him. Don't let concern about the social difference create a problem where there isn't one. Work on your self-confidence. He may come from money but you will have other attributes to bring to the relationship.

Love is love. I was you once. We’ll be celebrating our 35th anniversary in April.

I suspect your insecurities about your circumstances are more likely to put him off than the circumstances themselves. Confidence is attractive - you can’t easily change your situation but you can try and learn there’s no shame in your background. It’s part of who you are, and he must like you!

I grew up in children’s homes, and had a total shit show of a childhood/early adulthood. I’ve dated men from all different socioeconomic backgrounds, it’s never been an issue tbh - I don’t doubt it would be would for some people, but nothing would get started with those people in the first place. I also have friends from lots of different backgrounds and cultures. People overall care far less about this than you think.

I think you’re all being a bit rose-tinted. I’m sure it’s all lovely at the moment, but in 10 years when you’re disagreeing about whether to send the kids to private school and you’ve had a decade of exposure to his family and friends, I suspect some weariness will be creeping in.

You can make it work but you’ll need really solid self-esteem and assertiveness not just romantic notions about love conquering all.

Spending your life feeling inferior but grateful is not a recipe for happiness.

Who’s to say they don’t have similar values though, despite differences in background? Not all ‘posh’ people who could easily afford it choose private school, whereas people who really can’t afford it make sure it will happen as a priority.

I’m not saying that difference in income and background may never cause any issues, but I feel like longevity is more found in things like core values aligning, and similar goals for the future.

However, this is all speculation on my part as I haven’t been on a date in years 😆

This is a you issue. Get some counselling to work on your self esteem whether you stay in this relationship or not.

If you really like him then, as a pp says, bite the bullet, invite him round and show him who you are.

Maybe he is a mature, caring person who likes people for who they are not what they have. And that would be amazing.

Just relax & be yourself. He's clearly attracted to you & no doubt already knows that you don't have the same type of job etc (unless you have lied about anything) & is still interested.

Not everyone is shallow & materialistic. Give this guy a chance & don't let your own insecurities and the things in your own head spoil something which could turn out to be wonderful for you both.
I hope it works out.

I wouldn't maybe go this far but I honestly think relationships are easier when there is a broadly shared background or cultural references. I know quite a few couples where there is a big gap in that respect and it seems to create ongoing issues, resentments and niggles. I'm from a plain working class background and although I have materially and educationally moved into the middle class, I absolutely know that I am not evolved enough and have a bit too much of a chip on my shoulder to be able to move smoothly and not be judgemtal/resentful/feel less than if I moved too far away from my own roots. But that's a me problem in some ways, not everyone feels like that.

Well, it will either work out or it won’t, so I really wouldn’t worry about it!

However, I do think that there are fewer barriers to a successful long term relationship if you’re from similar backgrounds. There will be things that he thinks are completely normal and ‘to be expected’ that will have you scratching your head, and vice versa. But you probably won’t know what those are until you encounter them.

Just enjoy it for now!

It's an unspoken thing in the uk that most people stick to the same social class when dating so I can see how this feels odd and unfamiliar with you in a similar way to how people of different races might feel.

You could mention in passing it's funny we have social class background differently I haven't dated anyone like you before have you dated anyone like me - from a place of curiosity not insecurity critically as your class is as good as his remember that. But it would stop the topic being the elephant in the room

You can nornally tell fairly quickly if class difference is an issue or if someone will look down their nose at others based on perceived class differences.
Most aren’t judgey pants but you will get some. You will tell soon enough if you can mesh with him and his family/friends (the latter is important as he could be class blind but they may not be).

Never be embarrassed of who you are .

I have felt intimidated being with a man who has a lot of money, even though I have a decent job and own my home, so these feelings can happen regardless of circumstances. He will already know what you do for a living and where your house is. Any decent man will be interested in you as a person, not what you do or do not have.

I am in a relationship with a man who's a full-time carer for his son (ie no job at all) and he lives in a housing association house. I don't have a problem with it and we pay for ourselves when we go out, mainly because I'm not comfortable with men paying for me.

I had this in reverse. Despite me not being especially posh or from a wealthy background, the man had a "thing" about me being posher than him and it was clearly a source of resentment and insecurity. I found it very annoying, as he had made assumptions about me that he wouldn't let go of. I really beg you to just let this go and take him as you find him.

I do get OP. I have been pursued for a couple of years by a man who although from a pretty normal working/middle class background is a very wealthy self made businessman who owns a chain of local cafes/food outlets.

He’s a lovely guy but I just know our lifestyles wouldn’t match. I’m live a simple laid back life and I’m not materialistic at all. I’m not intimidated by wealth but the sort of high end restaurants etc he frequents is a million miles from where I want to be. And I wouldn’t let a man bankroll me so even if these places appealed to me, I couldn’t keep up anyway

Don’t worry about outdated societal expectations, I had a BF I wasn’t white enough for once. I’m mixed race, there is absolutely nothing I could do about that.

I ended up married to a public schoolboy whose family were wealthy landowners, old money types. I’m mixed race, family were poor. So I was raised with some East Asian aspects and some English aspects. Both my parents insisted on good manners.

Honestly don't feel weird about it. A lot of men love being the rich saviour type and as a female "posho", men would often rather date someone wowed by it! Sadly it doesn't work the other way around and poor men often resent women trying to date them...but there we go. I think there are loads of studies to show men often "marry down" (don't mean that in a patronising way at all but not sure how else to say it) so it is really more common than you'd think.

He might be judging you or not but you need to be proud of yourself and where you are in life regardless of him.
Are you much younger than him? Is he divorced? I'm asking because those things might make a posh guy more openminded to accepting socio-economic differences than a guy looking to start a family with someone who will fit in with his family and friends. And if there is a big age gap then he is doing the cliché thing and class difference might be part of the whole dynamic.
I think a guy would overlook it if he really likes you or you're so beautiful or young for him, or this is just a fling.

Your identity shouldn't be based entirely on where you live or what you do for work, and for the most part, men are not known for choosing women based on these things.

Are you kind? How do you make him feel? What are the things unique to you that attracted him? There will be something about your personality that he likes. Start from there. Nothing kills attraction quicker than lack of confidence.

The only thing that ever matters is being kind and decent. That is what true class is - if you both have that, you are compatible. I know people from all social classes, both the very rich and the other end of the spectrum and one thing I have learned is that if someone treats you differently because of what you have or are, they aren't worth the knowing.

OK, he's got a better-paying job than you, but in what way is his background 'posh'? I mean, I'm asking whether this is your possibly subjective/wrong perception of him?

I'm always intrigued by people's perception of "posh" - do you mean well educated (not necessarily uni)?