Worried I'm not posh or rich enough for him.

[Flamingo878]

I'm seeing someone that I really like and he seems to be really into me as well.
He has a great job and I work a minimum wage job, I also live in a housing association house.
I know he comes from quite a posh background. I'm just worried he will judge me for this or will decide that I'm not for him.
We are getting on great but I just feel intimidated by him in a class sort of sense and I hate feeling like this as he has done nothing to make me feel this way. He is so lovely.
Don't know what I'm asking here , I guess I'm just s bit embarrassed for him to come to my house even thought it's in a nice street etc.

Harry married meghan she is so not posh.

I think you just have to enjoy things as they happen, get to know each other over time, and be aware of your differences and whether they’re things which communication and compromise can work through, or recognise when they are insurmountable differences which are going to be come sticking points over time.

I’ll be honest: I wouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with a man who wasn’t in a similar financial position as I was. I want my relationship to be an equal partnership, and I wouldn’t have wanted to financially carry a man who didn’t also own his own home or have a similar income to mine. Some people feel differently, and some people manage to make financially imbalanced relationships work, but which you fall into is not always immediately apparent, and how you both feel about it in early dating isn’t necessarily the way you’ll both feel in six month’s time, or when you’re beginning to talk about living together and the impact of it on that. Communication and honesty on both sides is crucial.

I'm common as muck and most of my DPs have been posher or richer, some of them legit posh and rich, and they've been lucky to have me! Your self-worth is what matters. It doesn't depend on material shit or social class. It can be very attractive having a wider life experience outside of the posh, rich bubble. That's true richness really. Revel in it I'd say and give less of a toss about such stuff!

I went to university, have a philosophy degree and am intelligent but I'm not rich and I'm not in a professional job.

I don't have a common sounding accent but his is definitely a bit posher than me and his background as well

There's a 5 year age gap because, he's older, and we are both divorced and don't want any more kids

It’ll only ever be an issue if you let it- dh grew up poor and when I met his family I had about two years of jokes about where I grew up how I wouldn’t know about that sort of thing (when talking about money worries etc), they told me since they were worried we wouldn’t be a fit because we were so different. He told me the first time I went to his house they said ‘she’d better not make any comments about the house’. I couldn’t have given the slightest crap where he was from or what his circumstances were- I didn’t give a crap about anything except that his mum is the best cook I’ve ever come across and the food was amazing!!!

Sounds like it's entirely your hang-up. Maybe it'll help you to push on through and see how little it matters to him. Everyone's insecure about something. Poshness isn't intrinsically better and plenty of rich homes aren't nice or happy.

I don’t think your accent has any relevance to anything. I live in London, among people from all over the country and the world and from all different backgrounds: I don’t think any two of my friends have the same accent, and it’s not something anyone gives any thought to.

It looks like this is solely my insecurity issues. He has told me he is very fond of me and just likes my company and the sex is amazing as well!

You've been reading too many Mumsnet threads haha doubt he cares.

I think you're too hard on yourself based on your updates.

I'm not sure you not having a professional job necessarily gives him any kind of class advantage. One of my friends at Oxford was an Honourable, didn't have much money and worked on the tills at Sainsbury's in the vac of her classics degree, and exchanged free accommodation for being a companion to an elderly woman one year. UC but no money, and none of it for the 'gels'. She never 'used' her degree, either.

Not sure if this helps but this sounds like my husband and I when we first met. He is completely non judgemental and has never made me feel bad for coming from less/earning less.

There's a lot of life lessons you could probably both teach one another! I hope it works out for you.

I feel such differences can educate.

It doesn't sound like there's a massive gulf between you two, from your later posts. If he feels at ease with you and you naturally get on with each other, then that says it all. He might not see himself the way you see him. With my situation (where the man thought I was posh), I actually recognised in him a similar background to mine, except I had lost my childhood accent and happened to acquire some other superficially (or what people would see as) "posh" characteristics. He didn't see this, and would make remarks about the upbringing he imagined I'd had, and about what I (or my family, who he never met) must think of a man like him. What they would have thought is "here is a normal man just like those you grew up with"...

It is for him to decide whether you are insufficiently posh or rich. It would seem he does not think so!

Couldn't agree more.

Some answers here feel disconnected from reality. I'm, post-divorce, and I'm seeing someone that I absolutely adore in so many ways. It's been 18 months and it's still going strong. But we don't live together, and have not mentioned that at all. I have no desire to, and I am happy as it is for now.

Living together would raise a lot of questions. He's got a sizeable mortgage and not that much savings. I am mortgage free and have decent savings & pension. At this stage in life (50+), I am not naive enough to think that "love conquers all". Reality is different in my experience.
I also have a professional job and two degrees. He doesn't. But I still love him.

I do hope to stay with this man, but I'm not looking much further than the moment. We have both kids from previous relationships, so building a family is not something that is relevant for us.

To consider different backgrounds or financial situations is being realistic and not naive.

But OP, there's nothing you can do to change your past, or his. So my best advice is to not make it an issue, until it is one, if it ever will be. Enjoy what you have now!

It purely depends on whether or not all these things are relevant to a person, and tbh it really doesn't sound like he cares about any of this shit so roll with it and don't undervalue yourself! For example, I'm a high earner, owned a relatively big house alone, always drove a nice new car and I have never once been concerned whether or not my partner is the same. My friend on the other hand is the same as me financially but had prerequisites that people she dates have to be on the same salary as her, have a luxury car and a lovely big house. She's been single for the majority of her life...

There are way more important things than material possessions and for me how I'm treated has always been the number one priority.

You sound great, he sounds great, so you both have the most important thing in common already 😀

To add to my previous comment, on the flip side, my partner's childhood was picture perfect, whereas mine was a bit of a shit show 😂 so it's swings and roundabouts, just as there are elements of your life that you think should be "better", I'm sure he has his own insecurities as well!

Just because you are dating does not mean he thinks it is long term or he will move in or marry. Unless he is v unattractive then he sounds like he has plenty of options on the dating scene, inc even younger women.

It’s not your financial circumstances that matter, it’s your values. How do the two of you manage money? Are you savers or spenders? How do you view education? How much of family life would be focused on educating the children? How do you view extended family? Are they people you have a nice meal with now and then or are they people you would put yourself into precarious positions for?

the answers to these questions are often correlated with your background, but don’t come in lockstep.

The most important thing to me about people is whether they are kind and decent. Being posh and having money isn't what makes a person worthwhile.

Well, it's also up to the OP whether he's the right match for her in social class or financial terms, surely. She may reasonably have questions about whether he's pulling some kind of King Cophetua and the beggar maid schtik. She may want someone she feels is a more equal match. I agree with @ComtesseDeSpair that I wouldn't choose to carry someone or to be carried.

If he looks down upon you because of your social background and family's access to money, then he's not the man you want.
Does he make any kind of snobby remarks about it? Besmirch your home, your taste, your family, your financial situation?
If not then give him the benefit of the doubt that he likes you for yourself and doesn't care about such things.

I'd be more concerned if there was a big age gap, but there isn't.
I'd be more concerned if you were young and naive, but you don't seem to be.

The issues around shared values, shared interests, toxic families, using money as a form of coercive control are universal so no need to have particular concerns around those as they are things every woman should be aware of.

Have fun and enjoy whatever it is or becomes, get out when it stops being good for you