How to get over a crush

[RainieX]

Hi so I’d like some advice please. I am expecting some negative comments but that’s fine.

I’ve been happily married to my husband for a long time, and we have a great marriage. Our sex life is great. The only problem is, I have a massive crush on another man. I don’t know how to stop it.

He used to be friends with my husband. We all hung about together ( his gf too ) for drinks and nights out etc. My husband ended up falling out with him and we haven’t seen them for about three years now.

I’ve thought about him pretty much every day since. it’s not necessarily sexual, sometimes I’ll just think about what it would like to be together in a relationship, doing boring things together, watching television or walking the dog.

What makes it worse, he’s not a nice man, and not popular at all. He has a very small circle of friends which he is always falling out with. He’s always slagging off other people and is really bitchy. I even heard he said some horrible things about me, how he didn’t think I was attractive and how my husband could do a lot better. The thing is I don’t care, I still fancy the pants off him.

How can I stop feeling like this? I’ve never thought like this about another man apart from my husband, and I feel really guilty for feeling like this.

I deleted him off social media so I wouldn’t see photos etc of him because I thought that may help, but it hasn’t.

Has anyone gone through anything similar? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you,

R xx

There's been a thread about exactly this kind of thing and it's still ongoing...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5236266-mid-life-limerence

Every time you think about him, you're choosing to indulge that thought. Given he's a tosser, what you're doing is a tiny act of self harm... so I'd try and think about what you're gaining from spending so much time thinking about him and how you find healthier ways to fulfil that need.

I had a crush on someone, he was a really decent guy but we are both married. I left the job where we worked together and had to force myself to stop thinking about him. It took some effort but it did pass. I don't think that's the same as what you're going through though....

this is pure limerence op... What you're feeling isn't actually real. You fancy the man and you've completely fabricated in your own head what he would be like as a partner, but in the real world he sounds like an absolute walking red flagged tosser. I bet if you were actually in that position he wouldn't be as dreamy as what you have set him up to be.
It's a pure fantasy. Don't ruin a happy marriage with a good husband as you say just for a deluded fantasy

The thing is I know it wouldn’t work between us even if the opportunity did arise for whatever reason. I’ve told a couple of close friends about this. Nowhere near the truth, basically just about fancying him. They think it’s bizarre as they think my husband is a lot better looking, and a nicer person. So they don’t understand the fascination. Also the fact that he was horrible about me behind my back, should have ended any crush. I do agree it should have, but for some reason it hasn’t.

You've not painted a very nice picture of this man. What is it that you actually like about him?

I wouldn't say it's the same, op's guy is an arsehole!

Yes. Exactly what is it you fancy about him, OP? Objectively your DH is more attractive, you acknowledge that he's a dreadful human being, and he's fallen out with your DH and slagged you off, so it's not his looks or his personality or his charm of manner, so what is it?

So what's the narrative that you have running on your mind? "Poor guy he is seld sabotaging and misunderstood, he only said this because he was defensive.. he only said im ugly to throw them off the scent and out of jealousy.." ?

I think it’s mainly just sexual attraction. I get really nervous when round him, which is ridiculous as I haven’t ever felt like that with anyone before, even my husband when we 1st met. He’s very flirty when it’s just the 2 of us. Talking a bit sexually etc, but when it’s was all of us together, sometimes he’d barely even talk to me, or even give me eye contact. Then the fact I heard he was being mean about me behind my back, it just really confused me.

It sounds like you feel you have naughty intimacy and know a secret side of him, like a bad boy who can be soft and good only with you
....
This is really not true!!

It's just that you've built him up in your head. The sex, you know, would be rubbish, he'd leave you unsatisfied then tell all his friends what a rubbish lay you were and he'd find your least favourite body part and laugh about it at you.

You know this. In your head he's a fantasy. In real life he's a tosser, but you're feeding yourself a narration where he'd be perfect for you. I think you might need to look at your relationship with your DH and be absolutely honest as to whether he's everything you need. If there are areas that are lacking - maybe work on those rather than fantasise over a guy who is so completely wrong.

But what's attractive about the fact that he was a disgusting sleaze when he had you by yourself, and you were literally of no interest to him in company, because then you weren't available for sexual 'bantz'? And then when you didn't shimmy out of your underwear and lie down on the nearest available surface in response to his flirtation, he decided you were unattractive, even too unattractive for your husband with whom he'd fallen out? Ugh, OP.

I think you’re all right. He’d be absolutely horrific to me if we were to ever get together. But why am I still thinking of him when I know all this. Usually if someone acted like that it would give me the ick and that would be it.

His flirting 'tender moments' with you isn't his real sweet misunderstood self it's totally in line with him being a cunt and a terrible, backstabbing friend. How about bunjee jumping or ice skating for a bit of excitment? Someone here advised to read smut,try it? I am totally serious.

Yes Ive been through something similar. What you need to do first ( prob not) but assess your financial situation, as with a break up it will get a whole lot worse. And its depressing living in rooms. Kids will hate you ( so all that bunkum about not divorcing the kids isnt entirely true). You will feel sad fir about ten years or more and wonder if ut was worth breaking up your happy home for a bit of rough. If I was you I would go for counselling urgently because it will be worth it. It sounds like someone p*** you off years ago and its still gnawing at you. Go for counselling as no one in their right mind would break up a family for a wrong un.

This happened to me a while back. I'm completely over it now and when I look back and think about it, I wonder why on earth I felt like that because now I think how bazaar it was. Like you, I too was married for a long time when my head decided to go cross wired. I've come to the conclusion that it was my age and hormones, being in an otherwise happy, nothing to grumble about marriage, and being with the same person and only that person for a long time. I just gave myself time, kept it to myself, and didn't act on any of it. It was hard because the feelings seemed so real. Don't feel guilty when you think about him and imagine scenarios with him, you can't help that. But do try to distract yourself and have other thoughts and keep yourself busy doing other things. It will take time, but once you acknowledge that it will pass with time, you will be better equipped to deal with the feeling. Good luck.

All the emotional energy you are putting into this man, turn it around and put it into your husband/marriage.
Every time you think of him, do something nice for your husband - a nice message, a hug and a kiss, cook something he loves etc.

You need to divert and distract yourself from these irrational thoughts about someone who doesn’t sound very nice at all. Otherwise you’re in danger of sabotaging what sounds like a lovely marriage.

If anything ever happened with this man he would 100% pump and dump!!

He sounds like a douche and you sound like you have a pretty good life that’s maybe got a little boring?

So you are having fun his fantasy as he’s a ‘bad boy’ and would create a little drama. In your life.

Psychopathological attraction. It happens when our pathology matches with the pathology of another person AND this person reminds us, subconsciously, one of our parents. Our nervous system detects this and falls into obsession/limerence.
Does he have common traits with any of your parents?