Husband gambling, how can I protect our family

[tigerpug]

Desperate for advice but also terrified and heartbroken so please be gentle with me.

Husband has admitted he has gambled away most of our savings - everything at his disposal. He isn't being honest either, I know there are additional credit cards also. We had joint savings accounts and he told me he had put the money into long term savings accounts with other banks.

We have been together 20 years and there has never been an instance where I worried about him taking money. I don't think he gambled until fairly recently, but I can't say for sure. These savings were a result of many years of hard work and being cautious with spending. I don't work - I stayed at hone with the children because he travelled so often) but I had a hand in making this money for our family because of property renovation through the years, amongst other things.

All we have left is our house (in both our names, mortgage free), his pension, and our children's Junior ISAs, plus a little money that was in our savings account that he hadn't gambled.

The question is this - way can I do straight away, and in the medium term, so ensure my children and I are financially as secure as possible? If he agrees to place the house in my name does that keep it safe? Or as a joint asset, is it liable for any debts he has run up and can't pay off? Any sensible (and kind - please) advice would be welcomed.

I can't sleep, I feel like my world has been smashed apart.

I would seek legal advice asap because you could potentially end up losing everything here.

I would also send him back to his mother.

Do you know the full extent of his losses?. It may well be that there is more that will come out. I would also get support for your own self: are your family helpful in this respect?.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this OP. Unfortunately there’s not really anything you can do re. the house, you can’t switch it into one name to hide it because it is his debt and these companies know all of the tricks.

All you can really do now is make sure you’ve got the full picture of what you have and don’t have, make sure he uses Gamstop to prevent any further gambling, seek legal advice and think about whether your future includes this man.

I don't know the full extent. I know there is more than he initially confessed to. In the last week I have tried to separate finances, tried to secure passwords for the Junior ISAs etc.

I have spoken to a family solicitor who says divorce is the only way to secure finances, but the damage that can be done in a week, let alone the months of finalising a divorce, could be enough to mean my children and I lose the house.

I have also spoken to a property solicitor who said even if the house is placed in my name, debtors can take whatever they are owed if the debts exceed the value of 50% of the house.

The CAB suggested a 'notice of disassociation' but the family solicitor didn't know much about this.

I don't know who else can help me with advice. Was it just a bad solicitor perhaps? The issue is that this legal advice has come from my small pot of remaining money.

I feel closed down emotionally, I am too scared about losing my children home to even factor in how I feel about him, and what the future may hold there. My priority will always be my children. Thankfully I have an amazing group of friends and family who are supporting me and the children.

You’ve had good legal advice already OP. The solicitor you spoke to is correct, you can’t hide assets to avoid paying back what is owed, and correct in saying divorce & then notice of dissociation is the way.

The order is important, you’d struggle to argue for dissociation while still married- especially as you don’t work or have an income so you are tied to him both legally through marriage and reliant on him financially.

You must be reeling OP. I would try some gambling charities, they may be able to offer advice. It's a legal minefield I'd imagine.
https://gamfam.org.uk/for-the-family/
https://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/
https://www.gamblingcommission.gov.uk/public-and-players/guide/page/organisations-that-can-help

Its utterly terrifying and I can't believe that there is no protection for my children or for myself - everything can be taken from us by someone who can't be trusted, who is behaving irrationally, and we have to sit and watch it happen with only a lengthy divorce to turn to. I am devastated.

You see a solicitor. You ask he signs everything over to you. You divorce. He has spent his share.

Has he acknowledged he is wrong and said he will change OP? If he has then you can sit with him and watch him do Gamstop, this will prevent him using his accounts or making new ones

How did you find out?

Sadly, especially with secret gambling, there will be more debts come to light.
He may have borrowed off of family, friends, or advances at work.
It would be a good time to run a credit check

Do this if you can.

If not file for divorce immediately.

How awful this must be for you OP.
You sound strong though. Find your fire and act. You are the only way out of this for yourself & your dc.

No advice; just wanted to send a hug and say I'm so sorry for what you're going through xx

I agree with the PP about a credit check

My advice would be a credit check immediately. I also agree with others, the debt he's admitted to, is probably the tip of the iceberg. Unfortunately, without him being honest and disclosing exactly what debt there is, you are in a difficult position. I am assuming a credit check would flag up, if he's taken loans out against your home etc? I would seek help from some of the gambling charities, they will have seen this issue time and time again, and may have better information. Sadly, it may be the only way to protect yourself and children is to divorce him.

MNHQ are checking my previous message before it can be posted, but yes I have asked him to do two credit checks prior to us sitting down to go through this mess.

Secure what you can immediately and try and find out how much of a hole he’s got you into. Make it clear this is just fire fighting, it does not mean you are staying with him. If you find he has gambled again, you will throw him out immediately. If he does not come clean about the reality of the debt, you will throw him out immediately.

Credit check. For both of you.

Change all passwords and make sure you have stopped him accessing anything you can (accounts in trust for kids etc) make sure these are in your name.

Full access to all bank accounts - make sure you have online banking set up on your phone so you can see all transactions. If he has his own account you need visibility. For now he moves his salary to be paid into an account you have full access to.

He hands over all cards. Give him cash for day to day expenses.

Sign up to Gamstop & Stepchange for debt advice.

Ulitmately I would divorce, but for now do as much as you can to secure what you can, before you make your decision and he realises it’s over. It might make him more reckless if you kick him out immediately

And do a credit check for yourself to see if he's taken anything out in your name.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your children, what a horrendous situation.

How much did you have in savings that he’s lost?

I think this is excellent advice. If he fails to agree to any of it, he has to go.

To be honest, while I sympathise with addiction, I would divorce anyway.

Leave. Now. Secure what you can and get out.

I've been there OP. I was with a man who almost bankrupted me before I found out the full extent of his addiction. Thankfully we weren't married so it was easier to leave. It took me years to recover, years, though. He's not changed either. He's done the same thing to other women too and was always bailed out by his parents. Now they can't afford to bail him out and he's looking at prison time last I heard.

In my experience gamblers will never change. Just protect yourself and your kids.

This is all excellent advice, I am making a list of it all and will compile and action myself what I can, and insist on him doing the rest. I am so grateful for this help, I really am.

All that matters are the children, and for now that means financial security. That's my only priority.

I would rather not give an amount, I can't even think about how much, its too bad for me to focus on.

As difficult as I know it must be OP you’d really be best trying to keep him on side and work as a team to make sure you can see everything & know what’s going in, where everything is & what has been done.

I do understand why posters are saying “if he doesn’t comply then throw him out” as I’d feel the same but as you don’t work and are entirely dependent on him financially what would you do if you did ask him to leave and he agreed? How would you pay the bills?

Keeping things amicable while you get your ducks in a row is your best bet for now.

Thank you all. Im not even angry. I am completely numb, which I think is a coping mechanism. I haven't thought about long term decisions. I just want to know I have been given the truth. Then I can start to protect what is left. I am staggered by how little I am protected.