Husband gambling, how can I protect our family

[tigerpug]

Desperate for advice but also terrified and heartbroken so please be gentle with me.

Husband has admitted he has gambled away most of our savings - everything at his disposal. He isn't being honest either, I know there are additional credit cards also. We had joint savings accounts and he told me he had put the money into long term savings accounts with other banks.

We have been together 20 years and there has never been an instance where I worried about him taking money. I don't think he gambled until fairly recently, but I can't say for sure. These savings were a result of many years of hard work and being cautious with spending. I don't work - I stayed at hone with the children because he travelled so often) but I had a hand in making this money for our family because of property renovation through the years, amongst other things.

All we have left is our house (in both our names, mortgage free), his pension, and our children's Junior ISAs, plus a little money that was in our savings account that he hadn't gambled.

The question is this - way can I do straight away, and in the medium term, so ensure my children and I are financially as secure as possible? If he agrees to place the house in my name does that keep it safe? Or as a joint asset, is it liable for any debts he has run up and can't pay off? Any sensible (and kind - please) advice would be welcomed.

I can't sleep, I feel like my world has been smashed apart.

Realistically I think you need to find out how much the debt total is compared to the value of your home. Make sure he can’t rack up any more debt in your name Then long term plan is to leave.

For arguments sake he owes £200k and your home is worth £500k. Sell the house.

You take your £250k share. He is left with the remainder once debts are paid. You’ll have to downsize and go back to work. It’s a horrific situation to be in, but you will be safer out of it. He will take everything you have.

I would start looking for a job just now, to be honest. Make sure he can’t touch any of the income.

how do you keep a H on side when he has been lying and lying and is probably going to keep lying?

how do you keep a H on side when he can't even be honest with himself let alone with his wife?

He is a huge liability and continues to be a huge liability to the OP and her DC.

I think we are meeting this week, and will aim to get some straight answers and visual proof of the damage.

You’re right, however OP has no income of her own and so she is dependent on him right now.

Keeping it as “friendly” as possible at least allows OP to gather as much evidence as possible so she can fully understand the situation and what kind of scale things are at plus hopefully being able to watch him do Gamstop etc.

We met, he says he is being honest with the amount of debt (which is more than he previously mentioned), and he has agreed to send regular updates on credit card debts etc. Whether or not any of it is true remains to be seen. We will speak to a solicitor together to work out how best to separate assets so I can keep whatever is left safe. However, this is due to be a lengthy process, and so I presume that in the meantime I just have to hope that no more money is lost.
If only there was a piece of paperwork that could be signed this week to divide and safeguard our house and any remaining money for the children. I can't believe I have no protection at all.

Everything we have is at the mercy of someone I don't trust, and I think I will have many months of sleepless nights. This is truly awful, I still can't believe it.

I’m late to this thread but so sorry you’re in this situation. It’s horribly familiar to me and it makes me furious how precarious it leaves people affected by others’ gambling.

Definitely contact Gamcare if you haven’t already. They offer support for women affected by others’ gambling, financial advice and can connect you to one-to-one counselling too. (Caveat, I’ve never found the helpline helpful as it’s very much set up to support gamblers and their interests. One adviser told me I should probably just try and find it in my heart to trust my husband. It later emerged it was something he lied about. And the counselling obviously depends if the practitioner is the right one for you. But the women’s support group was great.)

He needs to access support too. But that’s his choice.

Do ALL the credit checks, and keep doing them. If he doesn’t cooperate, he’s hiding something, even if he has a fantastic explanation. Addicts are great liars 🫤

I hope things are improving for you, and you’re finding good advice and support. But look after yourself. You say the kids are the most important thing here and I totally get that - I feel that way too. But have also had to look after myself. It’s a devastating process. If it helps, think of it as modelling healthy self care to your kids. How would you want to see them looking after themselves in such a situation? Give yourself time. It’s a grieving process. You’ll find your way through it with support and time.

Sending solidarity and strength

This was such a comforting message to read. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

It's only been a few weeks since this all happened, so it's still early days. In some ways I have been able to push ahead (bank accounts, organising the money thats still left, asking for regular credit check updates etc), and have found some real moments of calm in the last week or so. I feel much stronger than I did. However, I am acutely aware that I am no further forward in protecting myself - I still have no control over, or protection from existing and future debts that may or may not have been run up. We are due to meet with a family solicitor next week to get advice on how best to secure the money and assets that are left for me and the children. I already know that sadly there will be no quick route to doing this, and so everything feels precarious and worrying. I just wish there was a document we could sign now that would disassociate myself financially, and secure my 50% of everything.

I am still very much tied up in the financial element of it all, so most of my emotions have been pushed aside. It will absolutely feel like grief when the sadness hits. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, and I am so sorry for anyone who has been through this.

I will keep sending updates as I navigate my way through this all in the hope that it can help someone else.