Am I silly for feeling upset at not being invited?

[Bluewhitefloral]

I went to a baby group every week on mat leave and made some lovely friends, and we don’t see each other as often now as we used to with going back to work.
I will usually see some of them every couple of weeks in smaller, different groups depending on who is available on our days off. Some things I have arranged and other things have been arranged by them.
I asked one of my closest friends in the group if she is free this week to come to a baby class on our day off (I would have put it to the wider group later on) and she said that a few of them were meeting up for lunch in a cafe with a play area for the kids that day but we could do the class before that.
I had no idea about the lunch as me and my DD hadn’t been invited.
I immediately felt like I’d been left out and I told my friend I didn’t know about that and I hadn’t been asked. She said it hadn’t been put out to the wider group and a smaller group had been created recently as three of the girls do a fitness class together and my close friends DD goes to nursery with two of the mums kids so they see each other more and she has told them about wanting to get out the house more etc . But I think they have met up a couple of times at least when they know I’m off on that day, and I haven’t been asked. My friend said i’m definitely welcome and it’s not like the way I’m thinking as it’s not an exclusive group, but then why not just ask me if I’m free?
I just feel really shitty because I thought I had made some decent friends who wanted me there, and I’ve made the effort to arrange things to meet up with them.
I’m suffering massively with my anxiety atm so don’t know if I’m really overthinking things or if I’m right to feel like this? Just wanted some opinions on whether I’m being a crank or not!

i think it’s an oversight. The fact your friend has said as much and then invited you suggests that’s the most likely explanation. If she had been cagey about inviting you, then there might have been more to it.

Its hard to keep track of everyone’s days off. And if people are juggling work, young kids, it easy to overlook others- especially if you’ve been out the loop.

I’d be feeling the same as yourself OP however my advice is to go with a smile on your face and treat it as an open invitation

It's obviously not an oversight as they all get on well and have several things in common- kids going to same nursery is a big thing- so they wanted to meet up together.
Don't take it personally. Like you say, this friend is still saying you're welcome to go. But be aware they may still stay as a closer group because of the commonalities.
You can't be besties with everyone.

I'm always worrying about this kind of thing! I've probably made someone feel like this accidentally and would probably feel the same as you if it happened to me.

The reality is that you can't invite everyone to everything - it's just not practical, so you end up making smaller groups naturally where there are other things in common.

I’ve tried to justify it to myself that I can’t be invited to everything but honestly it’s really bloomin got to me!
I think because I’ve asked all the people in this group to play dates at my house and just thought we did have a closer bond that they would obviously ask me. And I’ve realised that if I hadn’t have asked my closer friend to come to the class I never would have known about them meeting up?
I’ve always had a fear of not being included in things but now my DD is also involved it’s hitting even harder. She goes to nursery but not with anyone I know so the baby group mums and babies are the only ones we do meet up with.
I feel so pathetic being so down about it and wish I didn’t let it affect me like this!

Within every friendship group, there is always at least one smaller group, sometimes there are splinter groups. You talk about the wider group so I'm guessing there's quite a few people in a WhatsApp chat; it isn't realistic that everybody in the group is equally as close with each other.

Rather than thinking of the friendship groups, think of the individuals. What is it about each individual person that makes you want to be closer to them? Is everyone in this small group somebody you would want as a friend or is it a few you'd like as friends and others that you aren't fussed about? Some combinations of friends fall together (e.g. like the three people you mentioned who share a fitness class) so it would be weird to add someone who doesn't share that bond because the dynamics are all off and you'll be left out of the conversation.

In short, don't focus on whether you're part of the inner circle. If there's one or two people you want to be closer with, you'll need to chat to them more one-on-one, find a common bond (not just the baby group) then invite them out for a coffee if you find the conversation flows well. If the conversation isn't flowing, accept that they will only be a part of your outer circle and that you might be invited to large events (e.g. house party) or low effort activities (anyone up for drinks tonight) but you won't be invited to more intimate events and they won't go out of their way for you.

I can see why you think that way but if they go to the same nursery they will probably have a separate group chat for that, that gets updated more often ('has anyone been sent Lily's hat home by mistake?' 'Can someone please tell nursery I'm stuck in traffic but will be there in 5' 'watch out for spots, there is chicken pox going round' etc etc) so some stuff probably gets posted there...I think it's likely to be that, rather than 'oh I don't want to see blue white so I won't ask her'. Still stings but I'd turn up and say how nice it is to see them and how you'd like to do it again.

I think sometimes you have to put yourself in the spot. Your friend has said you are welcome so go along, this should then lead to you being invited to anything regular in that smaller group.
Don't assume it's anything more for now. Sometimes plans just get made when someone else isn't there.

I know you are anxious but think, you asked x friend to the baby class and not another. Someone else might have felt left out by this? sometimes it's not that deep but our minds trick us!

I totally understand @Bluewhitefloral - I’d be upset about this- even if was an oversight.
it sounds like you’re the type of person who would worry about including everyone and making sure people don’t get left out, but sadly few people are that thoughtful. Annoyingly, there’s usually only 1 or 2 people in a group who are.

i think most people are thinking of themselves, so can be quite thoughtless. It sounds like the WhatsApp group has grown organically for innocent reasons- 3 in an exercise group, then your friend is added because she bumped into them.

i think you should just invite yourself along and they’ll include you.

People can be a little unthoughtful.

don’t over think it or become difficult, just a bright and breezy “oh that will be fab ok”, go, be lovely and they’ll remember you next time. I would advise against being difficult as this could create tension.

this will happen a lot and it’s an oversight or casual conversation and organically grown from there. Just one of those things x

I'd be hurt and feel the same as you.
I wouldn't go on this meet up though, I'd feel it was a guilt invite, as she didn't ask you when you first suggested meeting up. If you hadn't said 'oh, I wasn't invited to that' she would have happily met you for baby group then waved you off to go and have lunch with the rest of them without you? Thats really awkward, it would have made much more sense if when you had messaged she had said, 'hey, we are planning a lunch, do you want to do baby group together then all go to lunch together?'
I'd try not to make a big deal out of it, just day 'oh thanks, not this week but love to go another time' and wait and see. If they want to invite you to the next one they will and you'll know more where you stand without embarrassing yourself.

I'm sorry though, people are shit and it sucks to still be feeling on the periphery of things when you are an adult. I know I am socially anxious but things like this just make me want to curl up and hide away.

I would not attend; it's so awkward to push in where not invited.

If you want to see people, invite them to something you organize. Don't hijack someone else's event.

It's a tricky one, as you said yourself you chose one friend to ask first with the intention of asking others later.
I would imagine they made plans while they were in the same place (either the fitness class or nursery) & probably a really casual hey guys do you fancy grabbing lunch on Wednesday? & didn't even think about the group chat!
It's difficult with a larger group as you'll never please everyone (& from experience can waste a lot of time trying to find a time & place that suits everyone!) and smaller branches are inevitable for people with common interests.

Imagine if it was the other way around and you asked friend 1 first and she said yes. But you hadn't yet invited everyone else. Friend 2 mentions something and then friend 1 says oh I'm going out with blueandwhite that day sorry, but she did say she was going to invite everyone.
You were an oversight - but there's a strong chance you'd have done the same by inviting just one then planning on inviting the wider circle later.
It's what happens when you're juggling babies, work, household chores, bills etc.

You've been invited just go!

Or as she's not the one organising thought that the organiser had contacted everyone, and that blueandwhite didn't want to/couldn't go.
Because like the OP said she invited her friend then was going to ask the others, it seems an odd way to do invites but also like that's the way this friendship group do it!

Id be hurt but know i was overthinking it.

Its just proximity theory and the fact they see each other more so its easier.

Compare
Organiser: Hey guys want to meet tues at 10
#1 Yes sure.
#2 yeah sound goodight be 10 mins late
Organiser 👍

To

Organiser: hey everyone, want to meet tues at 10
#1 sounds good
#2 yes me too... but can we do 11?
#3 ohhh id love to can we do a Wednesday though if not feel free to go withoute ☹️☹️☹️☹️
#4 yes i can... does the cafe have good vegan options for little tove???
#5 love to join - on a similar note is the venue gluten free for octavia??? She had a flare up at the last soft play as some awful child brought crumbs into soft play area soooo thoughtless!!!
#2 so we are meeting at 11 right???
Organiser 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

Go to the cafe and have a nice time.

I get it, but they have other things in commkn, nursery being a big one! You’re always going to get people who connect more than others in a wider group, that’s natural and not a reflection on anyone else. As time passes the baby group will be replaced by other more proximate connections, only really lasting connections will endure. I’d focus on getting to know the nursery parents or other local parents who do the same things your DD does.

I think you should go to the lunch. It was an oversight.

I wouldn’t go. They have made a mini group and that’s fine, not everyone has to be involved.

@Bluewhitefloral I used to feel exactly like you when my DC were young. Incredibly anxious and oversensitive about friendship. If people met up without me, especially if I had made an effort with them, I actually felt pain at being excluded.

Now, years later, I really wish I'd been more relaxed about it. You're not excluded. You see them, they turn up when you invite them. They like you. They may have closer friendships but that doesn't matter.

My very strong advice is, enjoy the social life you have. Try to control anxiety and neediness for friendship as it always backfires and makes people less likely to feel relaxed around that person. If others meet up without you, try to genuinely not care and be able to say, 'How was the party? Did you have fun? '
It's fine to let people know what you too would like to get out of the house more, or to meet up more, but not seem like your happiness depends on it. That makes people back off as having small children is hard enough without the burden of being responsible for another mum's happiness.

As soon as I stopped caring if I was included, I got invited more.

A huge over reaction, you don’t have to be invited to every single meet up, it’s life that groups of friends meet separately! My 2 closest friends often meet up without me and I often meet with one without the other. It changes nothing within a friendship. Just move on and enjoy the next meet up. Would I go to this one as I’m clearly an afterthought, probably not!

I understand where you’re coming from - it does hurt but try and rationalise what’s happened (which isn’t no-one likes me, I’ve been excluded)- write down the facts - it does help. And then put your best foot forward for the lunch.

Try to control anxiety and neediness for friendship as it always backfires

That. Going by the detail in your friend's explanation, you clearly made her feel awkward and guilty. If you continue to do that, you're going to find yourself less welcome because your friends don't feel relaxed around you. No-one wants to be guilted when they plan a meet up.

Unfortunately I speak from experience. I was that person in my final year at uni, and it didn't end well 🙁

I'm not sure why you'd think a smaller set from within a large group aren't allowed to meet up when they've formed a closer connection? It sounds like there are plenty of others in the main group, are you upset that they weren't invited too?

Just turn up and get involved. She said you’re welcome. I’m sure they’ll invite you next time if you make it known you want to be included.