Am I silly for feeling upset at not being invited?

[Bluewhitefloral]

I went to a baby group every week on mat leave and made some lovely friends, and we don’t see each other as often now as we used to with going back to work.
I will usually see some of them every couple of weeks in smaller, different groups depending on who is available on our days off. Some things I have arranged and other things have been arranged by them.
I asked one of my closest friends in the group if she is free this week to come to a baby class on our day off (I would have put it to the wider group later on) and she said that a few of them were meeting up for lunch in a cafe with a play area for the kids that day but we could do the class before that.
I had no idea about the lunch as me and my DD hadn’t been invited.
I immediately felt like I’d been left out and I told my friend I didn’t know about that and I hadn’t been asked. She said it hadn’t been put out to the wider group and a smaller group had been created recently as three of the girls do a fitness class together and my close friends DD goes to nursery with two of the mums kids so they see each other more and she has told them about wanting to get out the house more etc . But I think they have met up a couple of times at least when they know I’m off on that day, and I haven’t been asked. My friend said i’m definitely welcome and it’s not like the way I’m thinking as it’s not an exclusive group, but then why not just ask me if I’m free?
I just feel really shitty because I thought I had made some decent friends who wanted me there, and I’ve made the effort to arrange things to meet up with them.
I’m suffering massively with my anxiety atm so don’t know if I’m really overthinking things or if I’m right to feel like this? Just wanted some opinions on whether I’m being a crank or not!

I get this! I had a lovely group of mums just like you, I thought we were super close then accidentally find out they had all booked to go camping together (with their husbands kids etc) and didn't invite me. To say I was stunned is an understatement. It's been years and we're still friends but I never really got over it and still occasionally think about it. They 'didnt think id want to go,...' but never even asked. So these situations do cause upset and I think the only thing you can do is move on from it but maybe with the sad realisation that they may not have been as close as you think. Good luck x

Try to chill, this absolutely isn't personal and as your dd grows up this will constantly happen (school mums, birthday parties, group holidays etc). This is just something that happens in groups, some people get closer than others (you'll also do this without realising). They'll all have been at nursery so started a little group based on that, then all gone to the exercise class and then started to arrange lunch after that because it makes sense. At no point will anyone have thought, or said "don't invite BlueWhite". People will make deeper friendships because they've more in common, and that's not a slight on you or DD.
In our nct group 2 girls got so close that they ended up godparents for one another, they see each other every few days and are like sisters now (9 yrs on). I see them twice a year and love it, they're funny and kind and I enjoy their company and vice versa, but we have busy lives and not as much in common so it's not more regular. That's ok. I've got other friends I see more often from the children's school, from my past and from work. Everything those girls meet they don't say "thank God it's just us, well done for not inviting doughnut".
You need to get on top of the social anxiety because when dd is older she'll say "so and so is having a party and they haven't invited me" and you need a supportive answer that makes her realise, sometimes we aren't invited and it's OK. If you tail spin into worry and stress, she'll develop the same anxieties. I have a friend who does this and whoever meets up without them is seen as causing deliberate hurt. It's turned their 9 yr old into a real stress head, constantly checking who is invited, who isn't, why, mummy why aren't you trying harder to be friends with xyzs mummy so she invites me. It's really unhealthy. Take a deep breath, go to the lunch and enjoy it, build further friendships in other parts of your life, continue to spend time with the baby group girls that you like and have things in common with and remember everyone is just trying to live life and they all have their own anxieties (some people hate big group socialising, hence build splinter groups for example). In ten yrs you'll probably only see one or two of the group sporadically anyway....

I went through a similar thing with my first baby. I know how you feel. It’s awful to be left out. My youngest is now 10 and looking back on that time I can see I felt anxious and insecure about these new friendships. I placed a lot of importance on my relationships with my fellow new mums. But you kind of get thrown together by circumstances and in the end might not have that much in common. I felt like I needed them because I was navigating this new and uncertain time in my life. I think what you are feeling is not uncommon. Motherhood is like being hit by a tidal wave. It changes who you are and the responsibility of caring for your child leaves you no opportunity to get back to who you were before. I would say don’t feel bad. I don’t think they meant to leave you out. It’s hard now but it won’t always be. I’m 10 years down the road. I’ve remained good friends with 2 of the 5 people in my group and the rest have drifted off. I’ve made new great friends at work, other baby groups and through school and you will too. But for now don’t let them get under your skin. Try to remember you are still the awesome person you’ve always been and things will get easier. Try branching out to new groups on your day off. Swimming was a good way to make friends for me because it’s usually a small group with lots of chances for interaction.

But it’s not a ‘mum’ group. It’s a ‘fitness class’ group. It’s unlikely you were deliberately excluded, so I wouldn’t sweat this. In a year or two, once everyone is back at work and the kids are in nursery it will seem like an irrelevance. Remember, these are not your real friends. If you’re lucky you’ll hold onto a few of them, but once you start looking closely you’ll come to learn that all you have in common with some of them is that you have babies the same age and you live close to each other. Cast your friendship net wide, and focus on friends who genuinely share your interests and passions, not just people who have similarly aged children.

It's a horrible feeling, takes you back to being a kid feeling left out of friendship groups.

But it sounds like these three have a sub group due to a common hobby and kids going to same nursery. So they can discuss relevant stuff on there without boring the wider group and then have got into the habit of arranging stuff on there. It's not deliberate but it is perhaps a bit thoughtless. I would definitely go along as it integrates u into that group and next time they will hopefully remember to include you.

I do think it's unreasonable to expect friendship groups never to change, some folk not to grow closer etc.

But it’s not a ‘mum’ group. It’s a ‘fitness class’ group. It’s unlikely you were deliberately excluded, so I wouldn’t sweat this.

Agreed. And nice pun. 😂

Smaller groups are just easier when it comes to organising things, especially if they physically meet at fitness classes or nursery so can discuss dates informally without the complications that come with inviting lots of people.

I think you should go to the lunch as your friend has now invited you. Not take it personally that you weren’t initially included because lots of others were left out too. Seeing them will reassure you that they still like you - probably just couldn’t be bothered with the faff of putting the lunch idea in the main group chat as would have got more complicated with trying to agree dates more people could manage.

Don’t overthink it and just go along; I think it’s fine for people to move on to smaller meet-ups especially if they do a class together. Keep being open to meeting up
and suggest something yourself if the opportunity arises.

She said it hadn’t been put out to the wider group and a smaller group had been created recently as three of the girls do a fitness class together and my close friends DD goes to nursery with two of the mums kids so they see each other more and she has told them about wanting to get out the house more etc

I do sympathise. It’s not nice to know that people you like are choosing to meet up without you. You’re bound to feel sad about it. But your friend did explain that they’d formed a separate group that didn’t include you and why. And those reasons weren’t a reflection on their view of you and presumably you will see them all when you meet up with the larger group. Large friendship groups often have sub groups. You spoke to your friend separately about this, so you two could be seen as a sub group.

There’s no malice to it, no ill feeling. In fact I thought it was refreshingly good willed of your friend to be so candid and not give you a load of BS and say it was a one off, blah, blah.

Just accept that you won’t be invited to everything (people seldom are) and enjoy the times you all get together.

Don’t be hard on yourself. This is a great opportunity for you to have a think about what you want your daughter to learn about friendship.

FWIW I think we can’t have too many friends. Not numbers on social media, actual friends. People we enjoy spending time with and value. And I think it’s important to have separate friendship groups. Mainly because that will bring diversity that makes life more interesting, but also sometimes things go wrong and if that happens with the only group you have, you’re on your own. And when that happens it’s more difficult to form new friendships (for lots of reasons).

If you think it’s a good idea for your little girl to have broad horizons and lots of people who are fond of her, do the same for yourself 😁

I think you need to reframe it - you weren’t excluded, just not included which is a hugely different thing. To be fair you were only inviting one of this group to go to a class with you so if another member of the circle heard about that they might feel purposefully left out. Would that have been your intention?

You also need to accept that if these women are seeing each other at nursery every day and going to fitness classes together they will naturally become closer and seeing each other will be part of their regular routine. Unfortunately for you it usually is a case of out of sight, out of mind so don’t take this personally. For what it’s worth I think most women feel a bit like you do at some point when trying to navigate motherhood for the first time so don’t feel too bad about it. I guarantee you will look back in the near future and wonder why this affected you so much.

As above, there is a massive difference between being excluded and not being included.

3 out of 4 (you being the 4th) meet without you... excluded.
3 out of ten meet, you're one of 7 not invited.... completely different