My DH thinks the best thing about us ./me is the sex

[whatisforteamum]

We've been through loads together in 38 yrs.
Menopause and opposite work patterns put paid to sex in the last 3 yrs.
So we've had lots of conversations where I say I'm unhappy and he mentions sex.
Little effort from him and some sloppy habits.No I'm not perfect.
Last night we had a heart to heart where I ask him what he likes about me.
He said the sex.!!
I know it's part of a marital relationship however I work hard, we've had 2 adult dcs together.
I feel a bit offended tbh.
Am I being too sensitive and should I be glad he tries to sneak a peek of my naked body and still fancies me.
I just feel used.

Did you use him to raise these DC ?

You’re allowed to feel however you feel. Your feelings are valid. It is a bit rubbish that he sees you as a bit of sex object. However, maybe you need to speak to him about how this has made you feel and how that’s the first thing he goes to and not any of your personal qualities.

Yes, that is very insulting. He sounds thick.

I would feel really offended. Obviously sex is important to him but he should be able to say what he likes about YOU!! And if he can't after knowing you for 40 years.... you know where you stand at least

It sounds like I've jumped through many hoops and juggled many things to be seen as a means to an end.

You mention he brings up sex in every convo where you talk about the issues, it sounds like he's doing the same thing here in some clumsy attempt to raise the same issue again. Totally misguided

He really sounds ... blunt.Is he even curious why your sex drive's gone down? Made any attempts at intimacy other than sex and not heading to straight to bed?

No.
He is clueless and only equates sex with love.
Obviously I was a willing participant over the years.
I just feel sad that sex was my unique selling point.

I’d be offended that the only thing he up thinks is worth it is the sex.
Not the work you’ve put and are putting raising children , looking after the house house, the mental load, the care and attention to his needs etc ... Nope just the sex.

Id feel totally taken for granted tbh.
And completely unloved and unseen.

What a twat

It would make me reassess everything tbh.
Like is he ever

• taking your needs into account when there is a decision to make
• Does he care about you - not in words but in actions. How?
• listening to your pov and taking that into account, incl changing his stance?
• actually bringing something to your life or are you just there to help meet his needs?

I feel that we are different personalities.
Myself driven to workaholism,I exercise try to stay in shape plan for the future. New clothes.
Him unmotivated, unhealthy unwilling to try anything new or unable to show affection anymore.
His misogyny over the years where he expected tea on the table he has learnt where the oven is.

Newlife2025 no he isn't.
He was v considerate for many years.
Helpful kind guy.
I know people change and he doesn't do anything for me now really.

Sex may mean intimacy for him. So it might not be as cold as it sounds.

I have heard this before.

Sex might mean intimacy for him but it's pretty pointless if it doesn't mean intimacy for the person he wants to have sex with. It's also not really intimacy if you haven't any curiosity towards your partner and what they want

Sex might mean intimacy for him but he shouldn’t reduce intimacy to sex!!
If he can only offer intimacy in the way of sex then you have a big issue on your hands,

“Menopause and opposite work patterns put paid to sex in the last 3 yrs.”

There is no intimacy.

Have you not spoken about the lack of sex life in the last three years? Are you both happy to be celibate? It doesn’t sound like he is to be honest.

Issues re dinner on the table etc etc are separate and should be dealt with separately.

I’d be put out at that. Maybe it’s not quite what he meant but it would be hard to hear that and not think that after 38 years together the thing he appreciates most about me is that I have a hole he can put his dick into.

Issues re dinner on the table etc etc are separate and should be dealt with separately.

I don’t agree.
Sex disappearing is often part of a pattern, one that includes the whole way one presents in the relationship. Aka intimacy, Caring fir the other person, communication, attraction etc etc
And that’s even more so when any issue the OP brings is met with ‘but sex….’ Aka HE clearly is making the link between the two of them as if not having enough sex means he is entitled to stop being kind etc….

I’m not disagreeing, just thinking it might be a question he found difficult to answer and that was the best he could come up with. He could certainly try harder!

So basically, he is disengaging from the relationship.

Either after 38 years, he can’t be bothered to make the effort or he doesn’t feel he needs to.
Which then is unlikely to make you want to rip clothes from him - caring for the other person, being kind etc…goes a long way to help maintain intimacy (and therefore sex).
But also could explain his answer. That’s what there is left for him.

Emotionalsupporthamster my thoughts exactly.

I wouldn't stay with someone who rejected me sexually for 3 years.

Even if there was a reason.
Menopause takes many womens sex drive tbh.

For me I would feel unloved if dh said that. I have medical issues which one day will put the end to our sex life (probably earlier than most) and I am sad about that.

But I know my husband loves so much more about me, than just being able to put his penis in me. Otherwise I would feel that as soon as sex left, his feeling for me would leave.

Thankfully my husband is a caring individual.

It's the sort of thing my DH would say in answer to a direct q but he also regularly tells me all the other ways he loves me so I take it in the spirit it's intended. Tbh it's also one of my favourite things about him!