Is DH taking advantage of me?

[Gillybean9]

I don’t know if this is peri menopausal feelings, SAD or genuine feelings towards my DH but I feel so low atm in our marriage.
He's very loving and fun to be around. We have been married for over ten years, together for a lot longer, have a small child.
I own my own business and am quite successful though very stressed.
We have a good lifestyle, numerous holidays, nice house, nice cars. Everything is paid for by me, pretty much.
My husband works for me - it was only supposed to be a temporary gig. That was just over three years ago. He’s paid well. He has a company vehicle. Everything paid for.
His contribution to the house is 35% of the mortgage per month - an arrangement I made as he was struggling each month. He pays for the gas/electric and 50% towards the weekly shop and he pays for his own phone, netflix.
I pay for everything else. His vehicle insurance. His fuel. I buy 90% of our child’s clothes.
its difficult having him work for me and he brings a lot of stresses back home to me. Trivial things that I needn’t know about. I want him to find another job. He knows this. But hasn’t applied for even one.
I put the deposit down on the house. I pair for the kitchen, the bathroom, all of the furniture. He bought the tv.
he makes out that he’s skint but I don’t know where he spends his money.

i pay for our holidays.
i book and arrange everything - he doesn’t arrange anything at all.
if there’s work to be done in the house, I have to find a tradesman and pay.
we’ve had a leaky gutter since the start of December. It’s not caused damp and mould in the house.
Ive sat on it waiting for him to solve but he hasn’t. These things are always left to me.
he always jokes about the perks he has being married to me.
I think I’m being taken advantage of.
i send him jobs that I think he could go for, but he won’t. He wants to change his career and I’ve told him to volunteer at various placements that I’ve found for him. I told him I’ll support us even more financially whilst he retrains but he just won’t do anything.
I’m 40 now.
Am I being ridiculous here. Am I being taken advantage of.

So you’re married and have separate finances? I don’t think you are being ridiculous you are clearly unhappy. Have you been open and honest with your husband?

Yes @Gillybean9 I think you are, absolutely. He works for you so he has it easy, he contributes less than 50% and leaves all the big expenses to you. Why would he work for anyone else- no other boss is going to give him the leeway you do. I'm afraid no good deed goes unpunished Op - you gave him a temp job and now he's got it too good

Oh yes. He's taking the piss.

Can I come and work for you?!

Sounds like he has it easy. You're wanting a partner, not an extra dependent.

Does he do a good job at work?

Do you challenge him when he "jokes" about these perks? I'd be pointing out that you don't seem to get any benefits at all. And that this seems rather unfair when you're the one with 24/7 responsibility of being the sole adult in the relationship who organises and provides everything.

It sounds like you need a very honest conversation where you lay it out, put a timeline on things, and make it clear that if he doesn't pull his finger out then this will end in divorce.

He does a really good job, really good tbh.

I find it odd that he works for you rather than you running the business together tbh. If my DH was also my boss and paying me so little that I couldn’t contribute equally to family finances while he paid himself enough to lord it over me, i’d look for a new marriage as well as a new job! Where is the partnership here?

So no reason why he couldn't do just as good a job working for someone else?

He's clearly capable, but he sounds fundamentally lazy - in the sense that he's happy to coast through life with you as his Mummy. He earns his pocket money by working for you, you organise the house, you do the childcare, and the life admin. All he has to do is wake up in the morning and bless you with his presence - at work and at home. Your sexual attraction to him must be boundless!!

No wonder he thinks he's got perks and is in no hurry to change his cushy life.

Why should she turn her business into a partnership? Her H working for her was only supposed to be temporary, not long term. It's clear OP is not happy about him working for her, because he's not kept his end of the agreement.

If you want him to contribute more financially, pay him more…

It's not really clear the difference in financial contribution between you both from your list. I think in my house the list of his contributions would amount to more than 50% of total costs or close to 50%.

It's also not clear what your difference in income is.

Or why you don't want him working with you.

Lots of info missing for workibg out if you are unreasonable or not.

Pool all your income, pay bills and have equal spending money from what's lefts each. No more arguments, joint expenses come from joint account, personal from spending money.
Do the same with home jobs and chores, list them out and divvy them up so its fair. Include mental load, so holiday booking etc Say one person gets holiday admin, the other car admin. Something like that so its fair. Make him aware his jokes aren't funny and the relationship is struggling so needs to change. Ultimatum time.

Husband and wife should equal join money.
What each persons puts into household expenses should be a percentage of their pay. It's the only fair way.

Company vehicles- insurance & fuel used for work should be a business expense surely?

Owning a business and working together- you need to separate work from home. Don't discuss work outside of working hours.

You doing all the mental load of running the home is another thing entirely

What's the split of cooking/cleaning/childcare?

I think if the sexes were reversed in this case OP would be told to LTB for not having joint finances, but because they’re not the comments are more favourable to OP.

I think if you’ve been together that long, and have a child, you probably shouldn’t be counting and dwelling on % contributions, if you are, there’s very possibly more wrong in your marriage than this and you’re deflecting.

he makes out that he’s skint but I don’t know where he spends his money.
The last time I heard this it was from a lovely man trying to tell me that his son had a gambling problem.

Sadly if you divorce he will go for 50% of everything you have, everything you have worked so hard for.

What did he work as before you employed him ?

Absolutely. And the same would be true if you were a man and he a woman.

Honestly does he do a good job or is it all home socialism?

Capable people manage wherever they are. Pisstakers don't.

Just to clarify a few points (my op was written in a rush)
I have an established business with three other business partners. This was set up and running prior to my marriage.
DH was self employed previously but the contract he was working on had been headed up by someone who treated my DH unfairly and he became very depressed at work.
to get him out of the situation immediately, I offered him an adhoc role with us that I created for him which was meant to be temporary until he found other work. That was 2022.
the job is flexible in terms of he goes to the gym most days before he goes into the office, he shares school pick up and drop off with me to suit our schedules, but there are times his workload is heavy.
I could, however, make a saving in the business and absorb his duties within another role.
i won’t, because then hasn’t got a job.
I don’t want to work with my husband. My job is high stress and I want to keep it separate from my home life.
i have explained this to him numerous times.
He, however, comes home and offloads to me about work - which is something couples do. But when you work together it’s hard to listen but not absorb.
when they work for you, it’s even harder.

he gets paid really well for the role I have created for him. He gets paid £38k
he doesn’t have the pay for a car, insurance or fuel.
There was a time when I first started my business that he was the breadwinner. I still contributed 50% to everything, equal amounts, despite him getting payed around a k a month more than I did.

for the past few years, he has found himself short at the end of every month. So I said I would pay more on the mortgage.

hes a great dad. He’s great at home. We share the load in that sense - he does the laundry, I cook, we share bedtimes and school runs etc. we both clean.

I want a career change but I can’t afford to study or earn less than i do now as he couldn’t cover the costs.
he wants a career change (though isn’t making moves to do anything about it, has just talked about it for the past seven years) but I have offered to I financially support him whilst he does this.
i think it just hit me that I would love to be in the position to be offered financial support to pursue my dream. It would never happen.
but I’m offering it him and he’s not taking it.

i think overall it’s the complacency that bothers me. And then I think if I have to take the lead in life admin, finances, the least he could do is call a tradesman in to fix my guttering. Or paint the ceilings that need doing (decorating is also left to me - either do it myself or pay someone)

"My guttering"? The way you speak it doesn't sound anything like a marriage partnership but like multiple business transactions. I can understand you bring annoyed about his complaceny and lack of being proactive but it seems like it's more the money that you are concerned about. I find it an odd marriage when there is his money versus your money.

The answer, which you already know, is Yes.

It’s not all about the money if you’re Rachel Rich. What are the pros (to you) and cons of the arrangement?

It sounds like he is paying about 40% of your overall outgoings? How much do you earn compared to his 38k? Presumably about 55k in order for that to be a fair split with no-one taking advantage of the other?

He sounds as though he is taking advantage of you. What do your business partners think?

It doesn't sound as though he's doing a full-time job and it's actually taking the Mickey if he's going to the gym when he should be working.

If he would just shut up in the evening then would you be happy with him still working for you or would you rather a different scenario?

Do you want to stay with him? I think if you divorce him he will take you for absolutely everything he can get.

Yes, be careful you could lose a lot in a divorce.